A Move to Not Be Moved

So for the past few weeks I have been coming back to dorm after dance practice because I don't feel it is a work out enough and been doing twenty minutes of yoga. Tonight...my friend challenged me not to do that...but I just didn't think I could. I hadn't planned my day out that way. Now I had no movement to justify the eating I had done. And anxiety rose, but instead of doing yoga...I just wrote. Quite furiously and fast...but I wrote. I don't know what the rest of the night will bring...but right now I'm not doing yoga...and I guess that's good...Btw, that is my first ever personally edited photo at end :)

Tension rising

I feel the claws of anxiety wringing me from inside

Anxiety rising like steam inside of me

Unbearable pressure rising to the top

I feel myself suffocating

I feel myself start to gasp for breath

I know what will release this

It’s calling my name

Just one sprint,

One run,

One jump,

One crunch

Just some movement will release this all

As I take a seat I feel it continuing to rise

I resist the urge

Hoping, praying, yearning the tension to release

It rises ever more

Boiling over and I feel myself losing control

Losing the ability to resist

The drive becomes a desire, a need, a must

I must move,

I must do yoga

I must dance

I must do any little thing to get this tension out

I feel it peaking

I feel myself about to tip from the edge

My fingers dig into the edges of the chair

Clinging with desperation as the call gets louder

Just 10 minutes

It won’t hurt

It can’t hurt

It will release it all

But I dig in

Feet pressed firmly to the floor

I want to conquer

I want to be free

I want to learn another way

I breathe deeply and clench my eyes tight

It’s like resisting a magnet pulling ever stronger

The voices swirl in my mind of my unworth

You must move,

You must get up

Just one movement,

One small movement

We won’t do as much as before

It will all be better

I dig deeper

I harness the tiny amount of strength inside

I dig deep

I breathe

I clench the chair

Tonight I will not let go

I will not move

I will sit here firm

I will sit here till it all gets better

I will stay here till the pull goes away

I am firm in my stance

I shout “NO!”

Then….silence

Anxiety still present but not peaking

Perhaps I can…

Perhaps I can change my behaviors

Trust my body this one night,

Just once

Next week….I may do different

But just once…

Just for right now…

Maybe I can push through

My hands loosen there grasp on the chair

Pulsing with the pain it took to hold on

To release the call of the enemy I once called friend

My feet relax and I feel the ground underneath

Perhaps I need not move…

Perhaps it can all go away

If I just breathe