Monday, February 25, 2013

A Move to Not Be Moved

So for the past few weeks I have been coming back to dorm after dance practice because I don't feel it is a work out enough and been doing twenty minutes of yoga. friend challenged me not to do that...but I just didn't think I could. I hadn't planned my day out that way. Now I had no movement to justify the eating I had done. And anxiety rose, but instead of doing yoga...I just wrote. Quite furiously and fast...but I wrote. I don't know what the rest of the night will bring...but right now I'm not doing yoga...and I guess that's good...Btw, that is my first ever personally edited photo at end :)

Tension rising
I feel the claws of anxiety wringing me from inside
Anxiety rising like steam inside of me
Unbearable pressure rising to the top
I feel myself suffocating
I feel myself start to gasp for breath

I know what will release this
It’s calling my name
Just one sprint,
One run,
One jump,
One crunch
Just some movement will release this all

As I take a seat I feel it continuing to rise
I resist the urge
Hoping, praying, yearning the tension to release
It rises ever more
Boiling over and I feel myself losing control
Losing the ability to resist
The drive becomes a desire, a need, a must

I must move,
I must do yoga
I must dance
I must do any little thing to get this tension out

I feel it peaking
I feel myself about to tip from the edge
My fingers dig into the edges of the chair
Clinging with desperation as the call gets louder
Just 10 minutes
It won’t hurt
It can’t hurt
It will release it all

But I dig in
Feet pressed firmly to the floor
I want to conquer
I want to be free
I want to learn another way

I breathe deeply and clench my eyes tight
It’s like resisting a magnet pulling ever stronger
The voices swirl in my mind of my unworth
You must move,
You must get up
Just one movement,
One small movement
We won’t do as much as before
It will all be better

I dig deeper
I harness the tiny amount of strength inside
I dig deep
I breathe
I clench the chair
Tonight I will not let go
I will not move
I will sit here firm
I will sit here till it all gets better
I will stay here till the pull goes away

I am firm in my stance
I shout “NO!”
Anxiety still present but not peaking
Perhaps I can…
Perhaps I can change my behaviors
Trust my body this one night,
Just once
Next week….I may do different
But just once…
Just for right now…
Maybe I can push through

My hands loosen there grasp on the chair
Pulsing with the pain it took to hold on
To release the call of the enemy I once called friend
My feet relax and I feel the ground underneath
Perhaps I need not move…
Perhaps it can all go away
If I just breathe

1 comment:

  1. Incredibly powerful, Jessica!! You have a calling far beyond what you can imagine. Trust HIM!! HE has SOOOO Got you!!!