Freedom Friday (again on Sat) haha...

Sorry again....my Friday actually was filled with a lot of freedom that kept me from my blog. I ate my FIRST meal in the dining hall with someone....EVER. The first one in my three years here at the university. Have I eaten in the dining hall with people....yes! Have I eaten an actual, big-girl, non-anorexic meal with someone in the dining hall....no. Not until yesterday. And dinner with people you care about....well it takes a little longer and it's a ton more enjoyable. So kind of had to hit the books instead of blogging....but I figure you all would grant me that Freedom.

Shout-OUTS!

Now, before I get to the eats for this week....I wanted to do a shout-out to a dear friend of mine and a courageous, beautiful, strong recovery warrior. She fought ED while we were in treatment together and yesterday was her claiming back her victory. I am so proud of Mary Garner! She kicked major ass yesterday and showed her strength by not only going to her nutritionist appointment but being honest. She went to her therapy appt with the same honesty to. She commited to her meal plan. She took a bold step and told her boyfriend about her eating disorder and struggles. AND  (as if that wasn't kick-butt enough) she commited to spending the weekend with him knowing it would mean sticking to her meal plan. I don't think words can express how proud I am! I know she is strong and I know this is only the beginning of many more freedoms and victories to come. I can't wait to share more of her freedoms on here and some of your guys as well.

Also, shout out to my stepmom who has recommited herself to her recovery too. Also, shout-out to my girl Sarah who is launching her own recovery website. She is amazing and full of such insight, wisdom, and kick-butt motivation that I know this site called Always Together, Never Alone is gonna change lives. You can even check it out and like it on Facebook. Also....though this takes away some of her "free time" I am so proud of her new job :)

Freedom Foods

Alright....now to the freedom foods for the past two weeks. There aren't that many, but that's because I am working on getting honest. On finding freedom by breaking the rules of my eating disorder. This past week that has meant only choosing scary fruits to eat, following my cravings not numbers, and giving up my safe diet foods. But there are some eats to share. In fact....I have a very, very exciting one at the end....so check it out.

 First off is this Fat Free Refried Bean tortilla I brought myself to have. I have a completely irrational fear of sodium that these beans really help me tackle. It was also the first time preparing this without a food scale. This is one of my favorite at-home meals, but I also creep back to using my food scale when I am at home. But I was able to do this using just my measuring cups. I am excited to try to do that at home....but that will be a few months. I apparently (unknowingly) didn't get enough beans for my 3 proteins....but next time you best bet I will :)

 Due to tummy complications and strange auto-immune responses of my body lately, I had to get a new meal plan with more liquid than solid food...which menat I quickly had to get over my fear of juices. Now Monday through Saturday I do juice in the dining hall, but I realized this past Sunday I had no juice options in my room. When I went to the store I (os shall I say ED) honestly wanted to buy the toddler sized juices....but I knew that wasn't okay. Then I stumbled upon these V8 Fusion juice boxes that were on sale. I knew it was meant to be. Sure it was scary, but actually....drinking from a juice box....it made me feel like I was fueling that little girl inside. Letting her know I was going to give her the nutrients she needed, no matter what. And they are dang tasty too :)

As the week continued I was faced with one of my old  favorite desserts from the dining hall: Rocky Road Brownie. As if having a brownie isn't scar enough....let's drizzle it in chocolate and add marshmallows to try and give Jessica a panic attack. Okay, okay...I will admit it does make it taste a little better....but still....can't a girl get eased into recovery eats? I did manage to face it though and it was quite good might I add.












At my session two weeks ago, my nutritionist and I discussed how I was literally only eating one source of protein: tuna. To me, that has become the only "safe" option in the dining halls. I am not sure when exactly other fish became scary, but it did. And my school doesn't offer much fresh chicken. I don't eat red meat for ethical reasons. And I have to watch my soy intake. All of this does limit my protein sources...but if I am honest there is more than just tuna out there. So this past week I worked on diversifying my proteins. I only took a pic of this one....but this is Cod and I also tried Mahi-Mahi. I am thinking of trying a stir-fry item this week, but we shall see. It was nice to break away from tuna...and I honestly can't tell you how this fish tasted, because lately I have been struggling with not tasting my food (a common occurence in recovery I will blog about later). But I did and will continue to face these fish fears.

 This past week I also finally sucked it up and faced an Everything Bagel. Now I am going to use Mary's courage and be honest here. I am going to have to face these again. I used an ED behavior when eating them and scooped off some of the seeds, which is the part of them I fear so much. I did try and taste a little and it was okay, but not the best in the world. I literally have never had an everything bagel before and honestly it has been because in my childhood they weren't allowed and then ED fear kept them from me once I was grown. But...luckily...I am at a school that has a plethera of them and have a dietitian who isn't relenting (aka taking bagels off my meal plan) till I can eat each flavor without panic. Sometimes I wonder if that day will ever come....I sure hope it will.

So moving on to what I was able to face in the past few days. One thing is this roll. Apparently it's called a Portugese Roll. Again, it's one of those things I have seen for the three years I have been here at college, but have never allowed myself to have. And I did taste it. And it was AMAZING! Soft and doughy and good. It's sourdough which is my favorite and most feared but I am hoping it will become more common for me. Sadly though...the dining hall only has these early on Sunday mornings....so it's hard for me to get a hold of them. But where there is a will (or a nutritionist urging you to) there is a way :)

This is from this past Wednesdays and honestly it was one of the hardest things I have done....because in this meal....I had to admit a lie I have been telling myself and others. This is my school's Chicken Fajitas. You all may have seen where I said I had faced them before, but really I hadn't. You see....I have always torn the tortillas down to an "acceptable" size or brought my own Fat Free tortillas to eat the fajita on. But I got honest with myself this past Wednesday. I realized that by not eating the full tortilla...I was holding myself back. If I get to travel out to Colorado this summer...am I really going to sit there and tear a tortilla if we go out and get wraps? No...or at least I don't want to. So why do it now. Why continue a habit I don't want to be a part of my future. Why not start new habits that I want to keep? Well, Wednesday night I did. I filled my tortilla, wrapped it tight so there were no edges sticking out to tear....and ate it all. I will be honest...after there was so much fear and not a lot of pride...but I did it. That's what matters...is I did it. And I will NEVER EVER EVER tear one of the tortillas again. I showed my strength on Wed, and ED is never going to take that away from me ever again. I have a future that I want to start rewriting. I want to start painting a future with behaviors I want to keep, and erase the habits I don't want in my future from existence.

That idea continued into Thursday where I was faced with this reality. One...I knew I had restricted a fat at the dinner due to some kind of fear. I had also failed to get my fruit. Thursday, honestly, it just turned out to be a hard day. The reason....I commited to eating a dessert that night despite the fact that I wasn't going to be active. That scared me to death. I also had commited to no safe starches for this week or safe fruits (thus the banana here). So it was all kind of hitting me that I was actually recovering so I got scared. But still....I grabbed a Valentine Devil's Food Cake Square. I didn't size compare them, I just grabbed the first one I saw. ED was screaming quite loud and it took A TON of support to even take the first bite. But I got a text from my brother asking me to have a piece of chocolate as a V-day treat and pretend it was from him. With that....I closed my eyes, pictured my bubba sitting there, and dove in. It was amazing, and I am so proud that I did it. It was hard as hell. One of the things I have held fast too since I was young is no desserts on non-active days, but with that dessert, with that one bite....I broke that chain. It's gonna take a lot more desserts on non-active days until the shackles and chains are shattered, until the scar of these rules are removed, but this tiny triumph...it was a start.

THE BIG ONE!!!!!!

And last, but certainly not least...is a freedom food I did this morning actually (another reason to delay the post). You see I wrote the good people over at Udi's about my desire to try one of their muffins, but my complete and utter fear (and lack of finances) that was preventing me from doing so. Well, they wrote back and agreed to send me these jumbo muffins. I teamed up with a fellow recovery warrior who also wanted to triumph over this treat. So this morning...we had our Udi's Jumbo Blueberry muffins. Pop em in microwave for about 20 seconds and they are amazing. Really light and fresh and I forgot I was afraid thanks not only to great conversation, but just to the refreshing taste. I did look and fret over the nutrition facts, but I am starting to see that food is more than numbers....it's fuel and something that can be enjoyed. It was really scary to do something other than my normal, safe b-fast, but really these muffins are great. And I still have one left. Not to mention....Udi's sent me even more than muffins. They sent me cookies and granola and other goodies that will be hitting you on many more Freedom Fridays to come. But let me tell you...if you want to triumph over some really good muffins...Udi's is the way to go :)

So that's it for now. I did do some more triumphs today, but you will have to check back next week for that. Don't forget to send me any triumphs you have this week (ED-related or not) so I can share in the celebration. Love you all :)