Saturday, February 23, 2013

Freedom Friday #10

Welcome to another rendition of Freedom Friday :) I don't have that many treats to share, but trust me there has been a lot of freedom this week. Mostly in breaking some rules of my ED and in being really open and honest with my N about my fears. These aren't food related fears, but fears about the functioning of my body. I am starting to get symptoms of prolonged malnourishment and emaciation that I told myself I would never get. And honestly I get scared....but I will post more about that later. 
I am happy to report after just a week of doing the scarier fruits and starches...I feel a lot more at peace with them now. In fact, I still get mostly scary fruits now and rarely have my one safe starch of green peas :) So anyway, on to the foods. 

First off was something I have managed to avoid with all kinds of excuses, but it is my schools Chicken and Brocolli from the make-your-own stir fry. I got it steamed (which is what they usually do actually), but it did scare me that they use oil on the same area they steamed mine. But as soon as I took a bite that dissapeared not only because it wasn't oily, but also because it was freaking delicious. And it made me excited because my family orders chinese a lot, and now I feel like I can go back to ordering my old favorite of steamed chicken and brocolli. To make sure I don't get afraid of this though, I am doing it again tomorrow. Hoping one day to even do it with rice :) And I need to work on mixing the chicken and brocolli together again. 

 And here is one of those scary fruits I told you about: apples! And to make it even better, I added chocolate peanut butter. Wanna know what makes this an even bigger deal? It was me finally complying with a meal plan change from two weeks ago I felt too scared to start....adding 2 fats to a snack. I have NEVER had to do a fat at a snack and so it really freaked me out. But I finally realized I was trying to play the role of my own dietitian....and that is what ended me up where I am. So with this snack I handed control back to my N.

I don't have a pic of it, but the fats at a snack has actually made me find a new love of bagel with hummus....freaking delicious and been a go-to these past few days. Still scary, but becoming more normal.
Next up isn't so much of a fear food as just a new food I tried and had to share about. I always have almonds with my b-fast and these Blue Diamond Coffee Almonds couple my love of almonds with my love (and I swear reliance) on caffeine. That's right, not only do these taste amazing, but they have caffeine too. So then when ED yells for me not to eat them....I just say..."Hey...I need my caffeine. Nothing gets in the way of me and my caffeine."  They also have Caramel Mochiatto and just Regular coffee flavor, but I went with Mocha :)

This next one just goes to show that people make mistakes. I faced something I told myself last year I didn't like: Grilled Chicken Patty. I had convinced myself it was salty (when really I was just scared of sodium content) and too greasy (reality: I was scared of slight amount saturated fat). Well...N has had this a million times and she knew neither were true and since we are trying to diversify my was perfect time to face it this week. Well, I ate some of it before remembering Freedom Friday and thus you get the post-cut pictures. This may reveal a food ritual I struggle a bit with....cutting things very small. I am not sure why I do it, but I think it is because of this self-consciousness I have about eating too fast so I make all these ways to slow my eating down. But really...I think more people would comment on my tiny morsels of chicken than if I was first one done. Oh and as for the's actually really good. Definitely not salty and not greasy either....silly ED.

Speaking of forgetting pictures....I also forgot due to my fear driving me to get it over with, to take a picture of the salad I had with full-fat dressing. I wanted to go for what I knew I liked and choose Balsamic Vinaigrette  but I challenged myself to a thicker dressing called Sesame Oriental. I did discover I really do like vinaigrette better, but the flavor of this one was really good. So good in fact, that I did something crazy and added a little extra....ED reminded me of this the rest of the day. But here is the thing, I am starting to let ED talk, but not listen to what he says. Don't think you can do that? Let me just remind you of how you can. You know how your N, doctors, parents, coaches...they tell you things sometimes and as soon as they walk away you delete everything they just said. Yeah....well do that with ED. Slightly harder, because he won't walk away...but as soon as his lies come in...just delete them or at least try to. Trust me....deleting five billion times is a lot less exhausting than listening to it.

Oh yes....speaking of ignoring what you nutritionist says....I kind of forgot that my nutritionist wanted me to start drinking Chocolate Milk on occasion  It was a mandatory part of my meal plan at one point, then we moved away from that, but it was never a fear I really got over. So N kept telling me to try it again, and I kept refusing.'s a mandatory part of my meal plan again. Just goes to show you....maybe you should listen to your nutritionist. The good thing is I have discovered the microwaves in the dining hall work really well for heating up chocolate milk....and then I am so concentrated on feeling warm...the fear fades away. Honestly, I don't know if chocolate milk will ever be a thing I reach for as a first choice, but I need to at least be able to reach for it. 

 Here is something I faced tonight as part of my nutritionist challenge to me to do two hot line items: Almond Chicken Noodle Bowl. It was quite scary, because it wasn't what I expected and was really good tasting. It scares me to do things that are all mixed together (unless I do the mixing an ingredient at a time) because I get scared I am getting too much of one ingredient and not enough of the other and thus my cal intake is too high or something. But I am trying to work on thinking of food as nutrients and fuel, not as caloric numbers. I am not calorie counting anyway and don't know the calorie range my N is shooting really it's just uneeded burdens I put on myself. Still though, I conquered this bowl and honestly....I might do it again :) I mean it tasted good....and since it came saved me tons of time.
Oh btw, it's chicken, mandarin oranges, peppers, cabbage, I think I got a bite of mushroom as well, and almonds.

Now moving on to the two HUGE freedom foods I did this week. I mean collosal...I mean things I never thought I would ever face. But I did it. So starting off something I have only ever taken a bite of in my WHOLE LIFE and it was when I was quite little: Peanut Butter Cookies. You see growing up I wasn't allowed to have these and so when I become an adult...well I still had this idea I couldn't have them because of their fat content. So it was just never something I was going to allow myself. Not only did I allow one on Monday night after dance practice, but I had one again on Tuesday despite the fear from weigh-in that day and despite the fact that it was a non-exercise day. Double whammy! But I got through. The taste was and is overwhelming and I wasn't that much of a fan...but the freedom it was worth it. I mean would I do one if it was offered to me...sure (well once I work on the fear some more). But will I choose one when there are other options? Probably not. But I did do it. It was with a lot of support (shout out to Sarah and my brother), but still I did it. And it blew my N away too....her face....the joy and was so worth it :)

The second big's something I have NEVER finished....never been allowed to finish: A whole three musketeers. I don't think I have ever eaten a whole candy bar. Honestly, because I have never seen anyone finish a whole one. My mom only ever herself and only ever allowed me to have at maximum a half of a bar. And 3 Musketeers were the only ones I was allowed when we were dieting. We would freeze them and gnaw on them endlessly....but I honestly couldn't remember how they tasted. Well....last night I decided to face the fear. I was only going to do half until someone (cough, Sarah, cough) let me know that the whole bar was the thing to do. It flipped me out. Well...I did my old routine and put it in the freezer of mini fridge while I went and took my genetics exam. I returned so happy to be done with the exam, I didn't care about the bar. But after was time to face it. The first bite taught me two big things: candy bars should not be frozen and I do not like 3 Musketeers. You see I realized the reason we froze them is its impossible to bite them then so you have to gnaw on them forever. Luckily for me 20 seconds in the microwave fixed that for me. And I finally got to take a bite. Well, this was overwhelming emotionally and taste wise. The bar was just far too sweet. My N says I am just not used to sweet things (apple juice is still too sweet for me) and thus I may not like it right now. But was overpowering. So what was I going to do? I mean I had my brain telling me to not finish the bar for numerical reasons....and now my taste buds were revolting....

Well...I knew there was only one option. I had to finish the bar. First off....I will probably never have one again thanks to the taste and thus I could suck it up this once. But even bigger than that...not finishing that bar, despite not liking would let ED have a slight grasp over my triumph. It would take away some of the freedom I could obtain by finally, for the first time in my life, finish a candy bar. So (as this picture shows) I finished it. And you know what...sometimes the last bite is 100 times harder than the first, but that last can also be 100 times more important.

Did you conquer anything this week? I bet you did! It doesn't matter how big or small it seems....if it meant something to you...even for just a moment...that's enough...that's freedom :) 

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