Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Finding a Cupcake

There are two parts to this post. The first I wrote a few days ago…it’s not as hopeful, but is still real emotion. I put it aside and come back today…with the hope. Read whatever parts you want J

Written on Feb 1, 2014
Sorry I haven’t been around the last few days. Honestly things have been rough and I have been trying to self-reflecting. ED was very loud and I knew he would be the one typing any blog post not me. I did stay on meal plan, but that only made him louder. Luckily, I finally had time to journal last night and get my own head screwed back on. I had a lot of realizations and feel I can come back and write now.

I came to realize why I have motivation for one day and then it’s gone the next. It’s because even in fighting for my purpose as I wrote about a week ago, I am fighting for my future…and right now I don’t like the future I see because it’s a whole lot of unknown.

Yes this is me....
Come May I am graduating. Something most people look forward too. Something I was looking forward to too. But now…now I am dreading it. I feel like time is ticking towards graduation and I just want it to stop. Graduating means leaving the safe life I have lived the past 4 years. And I don’t know what is going to happen after. The school I planned on going to, I just can’t afford to take out the loans for. The even better school and job I found I am still waiting to hear back from. And those are the only two schools with the program I want. So if it doesn’t work out with this one…I have to take a year off and just work some fast food job…not what I ever dreamed of my life being.

May and graduating means a lot of loss to me at this point. I lose the comfort of living in a dorm. I lose my job I love. I lose the safety of doing school…something I know I can do and am good at. Those aren’t the greatest loss. The thing I am most scared to lose…is my N. And it's this fear, the realization of losing's gonna be my motivation. 

I then started crying too much to handle, so I put this aside…and I am back…this time a little more hopeful.

You see, my N is part of the school and come May with graduating…school ends. There’s no way to see her anymore. There is no more person to catch me when I lapse over summer. There is no more just make it through summer so can see N again in fall. There will just be me….and my whole life ahead…without her.
It’s silly I know, but I trust her and she is more than a N. In these three years we have been through a lot: the loss of my grandparents, almost getting kicked out of school, getting kicked out of health center, having organs fail, losing my dad. Through it all she has been there. Supporting me, believing in me, helping me. And to lose her (though she does want to stay in touch)…it’s like losing a whole support.

And it makes me mad for all the time I wasted. May is fast approaching and I’m scared even if I work as hard as I can I won’t be ready to eat without her and I will just lapse and end up back where I am. This must be what everyone was talking about. People never regret starting recovery too early…they always regret starting too late.

All this made me write my N an apology letter. Tell her how sorry I was for taking advantage of her and how scared I am to lose her come May. Today we finally had session….and talked about it. She told me there was no reason to give up. Even if I am not where I want to be in doesn’t mean I should lapse. I shouldn’t sit around trapped by the could of, would ofs, should ofs. I should just start where I am and see what I can do with the time we have.

So I am going to try. The first challenge was today. I walked into my appt expecting a typical appt and there were two cupcakes in front of my nutritionist. Cupcakes with spoons and water…I knew what was coming. FOOD CHALLENGE. My N said I just had to do one bite because they had coconut on the top and she knew I hated coconut. Part of me thought…one bite…I can do that. One bite to start this journey again. ED though felt otherwise and just screamed calories, calories, calories. Especially when want wt down tomorrow so will add back snack. ED said it would be better for me not to eat the bite because wouldn’t want to hurt chances of recovery tomorrow. But I am done with tomorrow..I only had today.

So I did it. I took the bite. It was really bland and I hated it. That’s when N told me it was kind of a test. She wanted to see if I meant what I said in letter. By taking the bite I proved I did. She said she wouldn’t have been mad if I didn’t. It just would have shown I wasn’t ready and that way okay. That was my choice. But she was so happy I took the bite…and so was I.

Now I hated it was bland and thus didn’t seem worth it, but there was a story to that too. My N didn’t like it but needed a student opinion. Enter me….student…student with very bland taste…so if it was bland to me…it was really bland.

Still, blandness, fear and all…I am so proud I took the bite. I am scared to start on this committed journey to my N, but I am beginning to see May as maybe a relief too. I can gain this weight, do these challenges, give it my all and if come May I am miserable…if come May I want to go back to ED…I will have that choice. There will be no one to stop me. It will just be me.

Having this option scares me…but also comforts me. I can give recovery a try…risk all the fear…and just see what happens. Live the life I want. Trust my N like I’ve always wanted to. And I’m not locked in.

So for today I did live. I took the bite…the first step. And it led to me choosing the lunch I wanted to. The lunch ED didn’t want but I wanted. I am scared. I am still thinking of the scale (which yes I am going to take a break from once I get back on full meal plan). But I am happy today I am choosing life. Not heart beating, breathing life. But experiencing, smiling, loving life.

My N was right about a lot today, but one thing that really sticks with me is it’s not too late. Sure…I’ve worked with her three years. Sure, I’ve struggled. But it’s not too late. It’s not too late to start. It never is…not until life is over. Every day, every moment, is an opportunity to start.

Also…you never know till you try. I am scared I will hate my body when I gain. I am scared I will gain rapidly. I am scared I will never repair my metabolism. I am scared I will relapse because recovery will be too hard on my own come May. But I will never know these things. Never have the chance to see gains can occur slowly, my metabolism can repair, and the recovery I dream of can be possible unless I try. 

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