Sunday, February 16, 2014

What are you fighting AGAINST

What are you fighting for? What's your motivation? Remember why you want recovery. People keep saying this and it gets me down because nothing...not even my dad have been enough. 

Why do I have to be fighting towards a specific thing? I tried to fight for my dad, that didn’t work out. I tried to fight for Denver, then that dream ended. I can’t fight for UTK as its not guaranteed. And fighting for me? That’s just not specific enough or honestly motivating enough.

But why do I have to find some certain thing to fight for? Why can’t I just fight because I am sick and tired of being where I am. I am tired of numbers swirling in my mind. OF the scale determining my day. Of people telling me I need treatment. Sure there is some comfort in these things because its how its been for so long…but today…another weight up day…reminded me the misery of ED and relapse…it reminded me I don’t have to fight for something..I can just fight against ED.

That’s what my dad used to always tell me. That when I got tired enough, I would break free. When I saw ED as the enemy…I would realize I am stronger than him and beat this. Maybe that’s been my issue..I keep trying to fight for something. Then ED comes in and convinces me that can happen with him. Instead..I need to see I am fighting against something….ED.

I am fighting against the death grip numbers have on me. I am fighting against people crying when they see me. I am fighting against being scared of fruits and vegetables. I am fighting against not being able to eat with my family because my precise measurements and food scale use makes prep take too long. I am fighting against not being able to eat what I want because of numbers. I am fighting against every day being determined by the scale. That’s what I am fighting against. I don’t need something to fight for.

I don’t need to wait to get some motivation that is bigger than my fear of weight gain. I just need to get sick, tired, and angry enough at ED that weight gain doesn’t matter. Am I at that point? I’m not sure. But tonight…I’mm pretty damn close.

I am just scared even this won’t be enough. I am scared to fail again. I am scared to again let my nutritionist down. I want to eat normal. So desperately I want joy. Church today reminded me I want to have a family and be married. I want life. I want normalcy. And ED is robbing me of that. I am just scared I won’t be able to do it. So scared I am frozen. Because I know I can’t do it if I cling to the scale and try and control my weight gain..but I am so scared to let that last chain go. I am scared for some reason to not hold myself back. 

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