Saturday, February 8, 2014

Testing what's right when ED screams wrong

So I made some big strides into getting back in recovery after this horrible stomach attack and ED is yelling at me about it. Telling me it was the “wrong” thing to do. I know it was right because he is being so loud and because I know it’s what my N would say to do (this is why weekends are so hard…she isn’t around to confirm these doubts). Honestly…one of the ways I know if it’s right or wrong is this process (though it’s EDish in its ways). I ask myself:
  • If weight goes down tomorrow will ED say this is the reason or will he be in shock? Whichever behavior shocks ED and gives him no reason to believe I will lose then it’s right one. It means its behavior that challenges ED belief.
  • If my weight goes up tomorrow will ED say “See your weight went up even though you did x”? Or will he blame this (though it won’t be cause) for why it went up? Whichever behavior ED will blame for weight increase is the one to go for. Otherwise it’s a behavior ED is trying to get me to do to control my weight and keep it low.

Using this method I ended up doing these very scary things and ED is not happy:

  •  I threw out the back-up plan in case I was too scared to do my freedom food tomorrow. I knew if I had back-up plan (aka a safe alternative) and my weight was up tomorrow, ED would make me eat the safe thing and not do my freedom food. This would be going against what my N said. So I didn’t leave ED with any options. I only have my freedom food (a veggie burger) as the choice tomorrow. Doesn’t use the above method…but still a method of questioning whether I am choosing recovery or ED.

  •   I got a serving of prunes closer to what my N wants. I knew if I didn’t then ED would say tomorrow that was to blame if my weight goes down and if I were to gain ED would say I could never eat right amount of prunes because I was gaining eating the smaller amount. Also, I knew whenever I got back up to the 23 g my N wants, ED would scream I couldn’t if I ended up gaining eating the smaller amount (which really is just 20 g). So definitely when I get back on meal plan it will mean back on prunes too.

  • I got two pieces of salmon (my fear food for tonight). The filets seemed small, but I didn’t queston it. I smuggled out two so I would have option. When I weighed them back in my room both were less than 3 oz. ED screamed I couldn’t add to them. That they were just less than 3 oz because overcooked or something. But I did the right thing. I took one of the filets and I used to other to make it 3 oz. I am still very, very scared about doing this and fear I overate the salmon. But I used the above method. Here’s how.   

    •  If I don’t add the extra: if weight down tomorrow ED won’t let me start plan back because he will say it is just because I underrate the salmon. If I gain tomorrow he will say I can never eat 3 oz of salmon, because I underrate and gained. Let me just point out how funny it is that in this way tomorrow somehow I “underrate” when right now ED saying not adding would make it the right weight.
    •  If I did add extra:  if weight down tomorrow ED will be in shock. Hopefully he would be speechless (rare for ED). There would be nothing he could say or blame. If I gain tomorrow he would say it’s because I was stupid and overate the salmon. Either way I think this option gives me more victory. ED can’t blame something if weight down or shame me if weight up. This option makes it possible for ED to be proven wrong, or gives me something to blame (though wrongfully so) if weight up. This way brings me more peace. ALSO…this way allows me to go into N and when I ask should I have added I won’t have regret. I know she will say yes…and this way I will know I did what was right.

These may seem small, but they were HUGE accomplishments for me. I still have a lot of things I need to work on. The food scale has crept back in and I am avoiding foods even when I crave them. I need to work on that. But for now…I am proud of what I did. Perhaps tomorrow I will make a side goal of backing off the food scale use. We shall see. Thanks for letting me share. 

No comments:

Post a Comment