Today has been rough. Even after cycling yesterday my weight shot up. Something I didn’t see coming at all. I honestly thought weight was going to be way down as usually is, I was going to be happy, and I was going to be starting back on meal plan. Instead..weight was up, I was up sine 4 AM with horrid stomach pain, and I had no appetite or tummy tolerance for my extra snack. All this added up to me being terrified. What I thought I had known about my weight, the control I thought I had over it, was all an illusion. I was shaking.
I went through the day agonizingly. I still ate my meal plan, but it was just going through the motions. Not tasting anything. Not caring. Just wanting the day to be over. Luckily, before that could happen, I had dance practice for my church.
Before dance we always do a devotional and this devotionals topic: fear. We talked about various things, but something really stuck out to me….God is holding your right hand. No matter what…He is there. No matter how high the waves seem, how scary things feel, He is there. He has your hand and He will see you through.
Right now for me my fears are tied up in food and in weigh-ins. Also in my future after graduation. Here is the amazing thing. God is here. In this fear He is here. He knows exactly what foods I am going to crave and face. He knows exactly how they will nourish my body and He knows they won’t feed into ED’s lies but into His truth. He knows the foods will free me. All the while, He is holding my right hand. He is giving me craving for the foods to fuel me. I just need to listen.
And with weigh-ins (which He will give me the strength to only do weekly) He is there. He knows exactly what the scale will say before I even step on it. And I need not fear it. Because no matter the number…He will be there. He will be there holding my right hand. He will be there giving me the peace to overcome ED shouting if it goes up. And the courage to eat more if it stays the same or goes down. He has control of the scale and will give me the courage and strength to overcome any fear associated with it. I don’t need to fear the number, because God knows it and knows how He will help me cope with it.
And for my future. God knows that too. He knows what UTK is going to say. He knows what path I am going to take after grad school. He knows every single step I will take, every day leading up to and after graduation, every moment that is to come for me. He knows them, and He has them. And every day, every moment, every breath…He will have me too. He will be holding my right hand. And I can’t help but thinking….maybe my daddy will have a hold of my left.