I've been writing letters to my dad...I just don't share them because they are more for me than the blog world. But with this one...my mind is still spinning...and I need some input..so I'm gonna share. This letter made me realize I almost put my dad in the place of God when he was alive. I had him fill the roles only God is supposed to. Now he is gone and I left feeling like now all I have is God...like somehow God is lesser than my dad. I feel horrible for feeling that way. And yet..I feel guilty running to God because I'm scared that means replacing my dad. I'm confused..
It’s crazy how much I missed you today. Life..it just got hectic. ED took a firm hold of me this morning. Very firm. And I had my mind made up (most likely by him) that no one would make me not commit to lapsing further today. That I had to “take control” back of my weight. This time…I know where this stems from too.
It’s because life seems so out of control right now dad. I still haven’t heard from UTK assistantship. I have lost my passion for Denver. And recovery has become confusing to me. IT has become a mirage I can see, but when I approach, it seems to disappear. I feel scared. Scared because I don’t know what’s ahead. Scared because…well because I have lost myself in these recent lapses.
I may weigh more than I have in past lapses, but I have lost so much more. I feel like shell of the girl I once was. I have lost hope, lost passions, lost dreams. I am so filled and overcome by fear and stress. I feel the world is spinning, life is moving, and it just won’t stop. It won’t stop and I don’t know where it’s taking me and I don’t like it.
These were the moments I would call you. I would call you freaking out and by the end of even a 5 minute conversation with you I would have peace. Who do I call now dad? I realize my recent lapses and clasping back on the chain of the scale have been my desperate attempt to regain that peace. The peace you brought me. I don’t feel I can replace our phone calls, but I can’t make it through life without the peace they brought.
Sure I can type these letters, get it all out. But there is a crucial aspect missing: you. The response. The calm that settled the storm. And yet typing this..I hear you responding. I hear you (and others) saying….turn to God. And I know that is why our conversations brought me such peace. You would bring back my hope, my joy, and turn me to God.
When I heard this being spoken to my heart I felt guilty dad…you know what I thought? I thought to myself: but God isn’t enough, I need my daddy. How horrible is that of me? I somehow placed you above God. Honestly, I feel horrible placing you below God because of how much you meant to me. But I know your heart. Your heart for God and for me. You would never want me to place you before God. Because you would know that one day you wouldn’t be there, but for all of my days God would.
But dad…I want you. I want the physical presence of God here on earth and to me that was you. Your smile, your voice, your unconditional love. I don’t know. It’s like if I turn to God for that peace and strength and love…I feel I am letting you go and daddy I don’t want to. I don’t want anything, not even God, to take your place in my life.
But maybe He isn’t. Maybe my relationship with the Lord will enhance my relationship with you in a weird way. God will fill the roles He was always meant to in my life. The roles He filled in your life too. And through watching me and the Lord’s relationship blossom, you will smile down on me. And you are with the Lord..so by getting closer to the Lord..I will get closer to you.
Why am I scared dad? Why am I scared to turn to the Lord? Why am I scared to say..okay..I guess the Lord can bring me peace now. Why do I feel like that means I am giving up…when it doesn’t? Maybe that’s ED. Maybe it’s because I have to admit I am powerless and that I need God. That nothing on this earth can fill the place of God. That not even you could fill the place of God. But dad…I’m scared of a God that big. I am scared to rely on something, someone that isn’t tangible.
But I can’t keep doing this dad. I can’t keep waiting on your phone call. I can’t keep relying on myself to find peace. I can’t keep plowing deeper and deeper into exercise and restriction in a desperate attempt to force my body to low weights so I can feel in control of my start of recovery. All these things take my control away from me. I know…I know what I should do. I should turn to the Lord. I am just so scared daddy.
I miss you. I miss us. I can’t wait till I see you again. Till I can be wrapped in your arms. Till I can fill your peace. Will you help me daddy. Help me turn to the King. Help me put aside my pride, my guilt, my fear. Help me run to the arms of my Abba Father knowing that doesn’t mean I have let go of you. I can’t even pray to God as Father anymore because I feel it is replacing you. And I don’t want to. I’m so confused daddy…but I need God. Without you here, I need God more than ever. So when I run back to God daddy…please, please don’t be hurt. Know I love you still too. I see you smiling...I hear you whispering..."It's okay. I want you to go to God."