Thursday, January 15, 2015

Beaten Down by a Blessing?

Crazy night tonight! God blessed me yet again. I went Seveir Heights with my new roomies. I honestly didn’t feel that good going. Was tired, tummy hurt, and was feeling down as tomorrow is dad’s b-day and miss him terribly, but I went. I also gave up a serving shift for tomorrow to spend time with roomies, something would never do before, but felt God telling me it was okay and He would provide.

So we get to church and first we win free t-shirts! Then a person I was supposed to meet up with to discuss small groups happened to be interviewing people and asked if she could interview me. I said sure, I mean why not. Then she dropped a question on me I didn’t have answer to: “If the Walk could get you one thing to help get you through this semester what would it be?” I honestly had no idea…and it took me three tries to get honest:

(1) Pillow pet: me trying to be funny, but something in me didn’t feel right about this answer and so I decided to give a more practical answer
(2) Money for groceries: figure this is something I struggle with and something I need and “normal” to ask for
(3) Labtop: honestly…I asked for this because I started to wonder if they were really going to get the items and if they were….then I really did need a labtop, because come the end of this semester I lose my work one. But there was no way it was going to happen.

Service was amazing and moving and then they said they had some interviews to show. Out of the 20 some odd who got interviewed, I was one of 4 interviews shown. It was the clip about the groceries. The 4 of us were then called on stage and told they got what we asked for. I was excited, but also a little let down. The Lord had already been showing me that He always makes a way for my groceries and I felt bad for trying to come across more “needy” than I am and not straight asking for what I needed: a labtop.

Then the surprise of my life. They didn’t get me groceries. No….they got me a $400 gift card to Walmart. It fit with the grocery idea for them, but would allow me to get a labtop. And that way I  could choose it. They also blessed someone with plane tickets, an IPad, doughnuts and corndogs (yes someone asked for that). I was blown away and still am.

Part of me feels guilty. I mean if I had an inkling they might actually get something and that’s why I asked for labtop was that selfish? I mean I am sure there are people in more need of me and definitely people more deserving. I really am struggling with this. I feel bad now for asking. I mean I have a working work labtop right now I am blessed with….and my old one…why do I need another. Guess I need to learn to accept when the Lord blesses me and not question it.

The craziest thing to is the timing.With my dad’s b-day being tomorrow and all. This whole week in my prayer time the Lord has put the word expectant on my heart and told me to expect provision and blessings around my dad’s b-day. Well here it is. I am just in shock and awe.

Part of me is scared too though, because here I have had this huge public blessing. What if I have needs/prayer requests in future. It would be selfish and greedy for me to ask now that I have been so blessed. Guess will just have to ever raise them to God.

Gave the gift card to my roomeis because knew if I didn’t I would go spend it on groceries for the semester instead of on a labtop. But instead I am going to trust in God to provide groceries and try to learn to accept His gift of a labtop.

Why do I feel fear, guilt, and shame. Why can’t I be normal and feel excitement? Why do the scars of my past eating disorder still haunt me as this self-defeat and shame? Why do I feel bad for asking for a need? I also heard some whispers about the way I look that didn’t help, but why does my mind hand onto that instead of the provision? Why do I feel selfish or in any way think I did this and thus have anything to be guilty about?

 I had no way of orchestrating that the person I needed to talk to and had never met happened to be doing these interviews. I would have never done the interview otherwise. I just need to accept that it was completely out of my control and it happened. Someone help me with these ideas….

Perhaps this is my issue below: 

I feel like I shouldn't get this because I am not enough in need and don't feel I deserve it. I feel thinking I deserved it is selfish. But really, it's an issue of worth. I don't feel I am worthy of it. I can make 5,000 reasons why it was "wrong" of me to get this. And now I feel bad for feeling bad...o geez. 

1 comment:

  1. You are so very special and are one of God's beautiful children. This gift was a blessing and it is ok that you received such a gift. YOU DO deserve good things and are worthy of them being given to you. Each and every day is a struggle to remind ourselves that we are allowed to want and strive for happiness. As you slowly accept, understand, and realize that YOU are WORTHY, each blessing and gift that God offers to you will get easier. Do not feel guilty about answering the question honestly. Your needs are just as important as the next person and you asking for something DOES NOT mean that you are not appreciative or aware of the blessings that you already have. As the quote says above (although easier said than done) try and let go of the guilt and accept the love that GOD gives to you. On this day,especially as you mourn the loss of your dad, I wish you love, comfort, strength and peace. I will also pray that God wraps his arms around you and lets you know that he is there through every struggle and every moment of sadness.