Today faced reality that tomorrow is my first real day off. No work, no school, nothing I HAVE to do. Day completely free. Sure have the gym, catch up on homework, may clean apartment, and going to maybe go to tennis match with roomies…but nothing I MUST do. And I am TERRIFIED. Why? Because it means I am set-up for success with the meal timing I have been trying to correct. No workouts, classes, jobs, internship…anything to get in way…other than myself and my fears. So if I succeed, it’s because of me, and if I fail…again it’s because of me. And honestly…the success scares me.
It scares me to be successful at new way of life and to potentially unlock door to new future. It scares me that I may fix meal timing and my fear of night hunger will be there glaring me in the face. And this brought me to wonder why I fear night hunger so much. I realized it’s because if I am hungry, and I’ve eaten all my plan…it means I really am in some way still restricting. That my body needs more. And that potential scares me.
I don’t have a N telling me what to eat. My therapist is gone for two weeks. So it will just be me, myhunger, and my realization I need more and I don’t know what to do. “Normal” people would just be able to eat more, but me…I am just too scared. And then facing the reality I don’t want to eat more forces me to face the reality ED still has some control over me. Sure I eat my meal plan and have been for almost a year now….which is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT, but I have let some behaviors creep in that in some way I guess could be micro-restrictions. And it frustrates me. And I am scared to be frustrated with myself. I am scared to face head on the reality I still have quite a long ways to go and have barely made any steps forward. And to me..somehow…night hunger will make me face all that.
Yet here I fear something that may not even happen. I might be fully satisfied and better timing just allow me the sleep I desperately need. Either way…I have to do it. Because staying up till 1, 2, or sometimes even 3 am just to get in nourishment body needs...it's just not fair to myself or my body. I have to fix it. I just do.
And hey, what better day than MLK day. A celebration of freedom despite insurmountable odds and obstacles. A day I used to spend with my dad celebrating his b-day. A day I can say “I have a dream…” and begin to make that dream a reality. Night all, wish me luck tomorrow.