Jan 29: Driven by Dream

Had big realization today and a big F***you to ED moment so decided to set aside time to write it so if my motivation gone tomorrow I have something to look back on.

Basically what happened today is same old fears kept up and got me scared and then started triggering my ED. Then I went to doctor…and my pulse was only 38….so I got an EKG and bloodwork. Then doc let me know my heart shows a potential blockage..whcih may or may not be life threatening…and all of this it got me scared, it got me to stop and think, and it woke me back up to recovery. Even moreso than before latest wane of motivation.

You see my dad died suddenly from a heart arrhythmia and I got scared maybe I could too. And the first thing I was scared about was not being able to become an ED therapist/nutritionist. Not fulfill what I feel is my calling.

That’s when reality hit. I realized I’ve been holding myself back from full recovery. Any time I do even a small behavior like a food ritual…it’s ED…and anytime I feed ED, I starve my chances of full recovery and my dream. AND any time I feed ED, I starve myself…and hurt my already hurt body. It’s not okay and it’s not fair and reality is only I CAN CHANGE IT.

If I am tired of all these doctors, if I want to avoid all these medical bills, if I want to freaking be free then I just start choosing freedom. The end. No questions. No excusable ED behaviors. No flaunting that I have stuck to a meal plan and calling that recovery. It's time to start making the hard choices, facing the food fears. I don't need a nutritionist to do it. I know how to do it. A nutritionist would just give me "permission." But I'm not a kid, I don't need permission, I just need to trust myself, trust God, and do what's right. 

While I was at gym I started to really think this all through and figure out what is holding me back and I came to a realization I have been avoiding. Part of me is holding me back from full recovery, facing fear foods and such, because in a way it’s moving on from my dad’s death. I know..this is going to sound absurd, but I think a small part of me wants to stay disordered while still doing meal plan because I have this weird hope my dad will send me to rehab again. But I have to face reality. He isn’t  here, he isn’t coming back, and holding back my recovery would only crush him. The best thing I can do to in a way bring him back to life is to fight for my life and my dream.

I know it sounds silly….to think a dead man would come back and send me to treatment, but he isn’t going to and actually it’s a good thing. Because the reason I want to be sent to treatment is so I don’t have to do the work. Treatment is easy. Treatment puts the weight on me so I can get back out in a healthy place and be left to relapse in peace without docs being scared. That’s what treatment has become for me. But reality is treatment isn’t an option right now. Financially, timewise, and dream wise. Because it won’t allow me to actually recover. I lost sight of that reality and of my original goal: to recover completely outpatient to prove it can be done and to use my story and experience, my sweat and tears, to help others.

So here is reality. Only I CAN SAVE ME. No one is going to sweep in and save me, I’m not going to be shipped off to treatment. NO! I am going to have to do the hard work, make the hard choices, and finally once and for all, choose recovery for me. EVERY DAY. EVERY MEAL. No matter the fear. I just have to do it. To choose life.  

Papers don’t just write themselves and people don’t just wake up recovered. It takes work. It takes choices. If I want normal life, it’s gonna mean pushing myself. Maybe some of my colleagues only have to overcome grad school to become therapist, I just have an extra course to complete…it’s called kick ED’s Ass Class, but with the strength of God I can and will do it.

If  I am scared to eat earlier I have to do it anyway. If I am craving a fear food, that is one I will do. When ED screams to workout more, I will leave gym. I will be open and honest with my team and recovery coach and lay it all out there (like I have been doing) and take and implement whatever they tell me. This is how I am going to recover, this is how I am going to live, and this is the ONLY way my dream will come true. If I DO IT.

I honestly think this is why my dad didn’t send me to rehab again my senior year of college. He knew it wasn’t working and knew I would have to do this the slow, long, hard way outpatient as much as he wished he could get me a quick fix. And it was hard for him to watch as I started to do that and dealt with all the emotions. But he knew I could do it. Now I must take the torch he bore and believe in myself, knowing I can do it.

Because I can’t keep going the way I am. I can’t be driven by fear anymore. I am ready to be driven by my dream.