Thursday, January 22, 2015

WIAW: My MLK day Freedom

So here is the re-cap from MLK day.Sorry it's so late, been busy. Was written on MLK Day though. 

Jan 19, 2015

Well today didn’t go quite as planned, but I did eat earlier. Basically the all-powerful scale to which I am a slave got me in a very bad place today and I was exhausted from eating late so many nights now. So..basically I didn’t want to eat. I was also quite full, but this could be emotional fullness.

It was honestly scary. It was the closest I have been to relapse since Feb after my dad passed…basically the last time I decided to relapse. It was crazy. And scary. And I hated it. But this time..I couldn’t shake it. It was like being in residential/inpatient again. I knew I had to and needed to eat, but I just couldn’t bring the want to. The problem is outpatient…no one is there to force you.

It did take me till 7 pm, but finally…I came to. I decided I needed to trust God. I decided I needed to be a good example to others. What am I going to tell my future clients. Yes, I was in that circumstance after a scary weigh-in where I didn’t want to eat and I chose not to eat. Yeah…I THINK NOT! So I started eating. And my recovery coach made me take pics…so here you all go! Thanks Jenn for hosting! 

7pm: Lunch and “b-fast” (I don’t really have a full b-fast due to tummy issues and split it into English muffin and prunes and my later oatmeal snack). This was actually a new thing because I ate extra large portion of broccoli as 2 starches because body just wanted it.

11 pm: Dinner. I will admit I could have eaten this sooner, but I let fear and my “need” to finish school work get in the way. But still…eating by 11pm was HUGE improvement. Also, these were scary choices because of the large portions, but the non-scary thing. …accidentally heated my apple slices…which was DELICIOUS.

12 AM: So it was straight into oatmeal snack I went! Working on banana portion sorry guys. Oh and TMI ALERT
Without taking anything I went poo twice….it was crazy. Usually can’t even go once without my meds. Maybe there is something to this timing

1 AM: Final snack, later than wanted, but reason was good. IT was because I convinced myself after cooking a skimped portion of egg whites to get the full portion I needed. Also, I decided to go with scarier PB and it was deliciousness. Heated up apples again as well. We are working on apple portions too, but baby steps. Honestly…finished feeling proud and not stuffed. Still thinking about scale, but also thinking about this success. Not as early as wanted, but 2 hours earlier than have been. So I call it progress….now for tomorrow…12 AM!

P.S.: To let you all know....I have continued to eat earlier and felt so much better. All until today. Due to flare up of my autoimmune was unable to eat till late, almost lost consciousness, and been up late eating. Didn't want to finish plan but force way through. Oh...and weight did correct does every single time. Very sick, very tired, going to bed. Scared and would love prayers. Had fatigue, nauseau, no appetite, and almost fainted. Not sure what going on. 

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