I sit here tonight stunned. Stunned, blessed, excited, nervous, scared. So many emotions…but mostly…I just feel happy. I can’t really explain it. All I can say is it is from trusting God over ED and His love pouring over me. That is only explanation.
This morning wasn’t a good start. I have been exhausted recently so I just stayed in bed. Then I weighed-in and it didn’t go as I (or perhaps it was ED) wanted or expected. My initial reaction was complete distrust in God. I was too tired to act on any desire to exercise and immediately went back to bed. I woke up still feeling defeated and letting ED talk to and degrade me. Filling my thought closet as my bible study speaks about with filthy lies about myself and the nature of God.
I have realized I struggle to trust God because I feel I deserve punishment and that God deserves to punish me. It’s hard for me to believe in His unconditional love when I hate myself so much. So I was laying in bed, miserable because I was bored, coulnd’t exercise since I did my allotted amount this week, and completely distrusting God who proves His love over and over again.
I finally decided to go out and do some back-to-school supply shopping. Went to the store chain my stepdad works for and it just made me feel happy. Being in there just made me smile because I thought of my stepdad and how he has stepped up since my dad passed and loved me like a daughter. Then I found a cute little Rudolph mug on sale and it made me think of my mom and her love…..and I bought it for myself. Then I got better deals than I thought on supplies and left still with ED talking…but feeling a little better. As I got ready for work I had to eat a lunch I was terrified of….and yet finishing it…it somehow slowly chipped away at the defeat ED was making me feel. As I went to work and left ED by the dumpsters were he belongs…I felt happy and free. Seeing the students be back at the restaurant…I just felt life was going to be okay.
What followed was a long, but amazing shifts. Made decent tips…more than expected…but honestly I just felt love from all my co-workers and managers. I was leaving late and was scared to get home because knew had eating to do and didn’t want to keep new roomies up. A simple text to them apologizing in advance got the reply that I had nothing to worry about and they wanted me to take care of myself and do what I needed to do. I felt my roomies love, their acceptance..I felt so blessed.
I came home actually excited to eat and ended up finishing my meal plan, yes later than planned, but I realized I was trusting in God. I was practicing what I learned in my bible study yesterday. Our thoughts…which lead to actions…are rooted in assumptions and presumptions. If we choose to believe and focus on the assumptions we have that are based in lies….our thoughts will bear the fruit of those lies…fruit like fear, defeat, self-hate, etc. But if I choose to believe, trust, and put my hope in God….despite my circumstances…I will bear good fruit in my mind. It was when I chose to trust God, to believe I am loveable….and to receive others love…that the roots of lies were broken and roots of trust and love sprang up. And from those roots I feel what I feel now….joy, freedom, and excitement. Thank you Lord.facing tons of fear foods.
It is just one simple thing. Just trusting and hoping in something greater than ED. Whatever that is for you. For me, it’s God. But I know not everyone believes. My recovery proves to me He is real, but I understand others aren’t in that place. So maybe put your trust and belief in your family, or dreams, future, or in God like I do. Do what ED says not to. It will be hard at first. It’s always hard pulling up weeds and de-rooting…but when you start to plant those new roots….after they push their way through the mud (ie those icky feelings, tears, etc)…you will be amazed by the amazing fruit you will bear. Prepare for joy, excitement, and freedom beyond words. Thank you God…and thank you family, friends, and recovery warriors. None of this could be happening without you.