Self-Suicide: Key to Living

I'm sorry for strong title and let me preface with: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. This post is somewhat about the feeling of suicide, but it's about how that feeling is actually a reflection of us wanting to die to ourselves and our flesh. This is just the title God laid on my heart and no other one seemed fitting. 

Tonight I got to go to recovery-based meeting to support my mom in something and something someone said there spoke volumes to me. She was sharing about her experience and how so many times when she was in her disorder she wanted to die. It seemed like that was her only way out. But what she shared is she had realized in those moments (which sometimes she still has) she doesn’t really want to die. It just seemed like the only way to escape her mind and recover. She didn’t want to die to the world, to her friends, to her family….no…not real death. She just wanted to die to herself. To the monster(s) in her mind.

Why did this speak to me? Well I don’t share much on here…or really anywhere to anyone, but I have those thoughts too. Like what’s the point of fighting. When people say you might die if you don’t fight…I say I don’t care and it actually sounds appealing. I get there some days. And I was definitely there when I was in the throws of my disorder. I felt like I was on death’s door and I didn’t care because at least if I was dead, ED’s voice would leave. In fact…there were times and have been since my dad died where I did think about suicide. Would I ever actually do it? No…probably not. At least I hope not. But I do have the thoughts.

And I know plenty of people do. In fact, I have had friends who had the thoughts and they are no longer here because they acted on them. And I get it. I get it when the voices are so loud and it seems like only way out. It’s another reason eating disorders are so deadly. But what the person tonight made me realize is that really we don’t want to die…we are just desperate to get better. And so we have an option…we can choose suicide but that’s not what we want, or in those moments…we can do a suicide to our self…to our flesh…and choose to recover. We can go to God in our desperation, and let go of ourselves. We can do the next right thing.

I reach this points of desperation so frequently now and I think it’s because my dreams are coming true and I am going to grad school and I am realizing all I stand to lose if I don’t fully recover. And I get desperate usually in the moments I know there is a recovery decision I can make (ie eat fear food, increase portion, rest, etc) but I am scared to make it. It is in those moments ED is talking so loud that it’s hard to hear myself anymore and I just want it to stop. I have tried in those moments to reach out to others to get them to tell me the right thing to do….because I know what it is…but then sometimes they get it wrong and I just feel more desperate.

Through this person sharing tonight I am realizing what I need to do in those moments. The moments I am feeling like death would be better than having to fight. I need to drop to my knees, drop my pride, and call out to my Abba Father for the strength to do the next right thing. I need to die to myself, to my flesh, and to the whispers/screams/voice of my ED. Whatever is in my head to do I need to do the opposite and pray for the strength to get through.

It’s so easy to get so overwhelmed in recovery. Especially when you are making the right steps and the voices are getting louder. You so desperately want recovery and for the voices to be gone, but recovery is a process. A lifelong, daily process. And let’s be honest…we are instant gratification seeking people. But recovery isn’t instant, it’s not overnight…it’s gradual…just as our disorders were gradual. But it’s worth it. Because yes there are days when ED is loud…but as recovery goes on….we learn to silence ED and we begin to experience days where he is but a whisper.

So when you are feeling overwhelmed and like throwing in recovery…let a smile break across your face. Don’t be scared. Because you don’t really want to die. You don’t really want to give up. The reality is this shows how much you want to get better. Because you so much want to die to yourself and the war in your mind and you are just upset about the work and time it takes. So the best thing to do. Reach out to your higher power…to your source of strength…and push through. Do the next right thing.

And you don’t have to want to die in the desperate moments. I am in one of those stages right now and I’m not suicidal but struggling a lot with frustration and fear if I will ever recover. But it is based in the same desperation. I am frustrated my recovery is so slow and feeling overwhelmed by how disordered I am because I so want to get rid of this disorder. And honestly…being in a place of not wanting the disorder is a great place to be.

So for me I am instituting a new “rule” for myself to help with this desperation. No matter the circumstance or excuses that may come up…if all the sudden I face a recovery decision whether over a fear food, behavior, exercise, portion, food choice, whatever…and that desperation comes in…I will pray for peace, take a deep breath, and do whatever the scarier option is. No matter if my mind tries to tell me I am not craving it or can wait or whatever. I will do the scarier thing….because that is how I will know I am pissing ED off and dying to my flesh…and so I can live free.

Hope this made sense to everyone J

PS: If you are feeling suicidal please do talk to someone, anyone. It is crucial. NO ONE deserves death and it IS NOT the answer. Please...if you feel you are suicidal either call 911, go to the hospital, or call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK  (24 HOUR CRISIS 

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Filling my cupboard: First poem in a while

This is the first free form poem I have written in a long time. I am nervous because I haven't edited it or even read over it. I just let myself go. I will put the story behind the poem up later tonight. But I wanted to do what I feared and share the poem. Would love tips, or if it's even worth it to write? Or if I should just stick with my usual blogging?

I know this isn't at all like the beautiful poetry I used to write. Perhaps I have lost my spark. Me and my father used to share a love and passion for poetry. And now...I guess I have lost my passion and what he saw as a gift. It's just easier to blog than to do poetry...and now I feel my poetry doesn't even make sense. My mind must just be too much of a mess...

My mind swirls and tumbles over and over

Numbers, calories, foods

Can’t eat this, can’t eat that

What can I eat?

Want it, can’t have it

Simple things, diet things,

Things people reach for when they want to lose weight

For me are covered in hazard tape

Caution: Can’t eat this

Caution: Must skip this

Caution: Don’t deserve this

Why can’t I just rip off the tape?

I close my eyes and see myself do it

Rip off this tape and breaking free forever

But I open my eyes and see the tapes covering shelves

These shelves are filled with foods

Only a few spaces are open

A few foods are missing from their place of fear

And have filled a cupboard labeled: freedom

I glare at the shelves still filled

The shelves filled with foods I want to reach for

Foods I want to eat

Foods I know I can eat

And yet all I can do is stare

The shelves aren’t locked

They aren’t sealed

They are covered with tape

Tape I can tear with my own hands if I wanted to

Tape I could just reach past

I glare in frustration at my two bare hands

These hands have shaken past the tape a few times

Made the empty spaces I see

They have moved food from these shelves to the cupboard

The cupboard sealed not from me, but from fear

The cupboard of freedom

But these are just two hands

Two shaking, simple hands

And these shelves are filled

How long will this take

I glare at my hands that seem so inferior for the task

I glare in frustration

How did these shelves fill so quickly

And yet empty so slowly

How did I get here

Where I don’t want to be?

Then I feel something: Hands

Hands on my shoulder

I turn around and see friends

Friends with hands

Their hands can’t empty my cupboard,

But their hands can go on my shoulder encouraging me

Grasp my shaking hands as I reach past the tape

Cheer as I make each food move

I stare back at my two hands

And realize they are not alone

I have support

I have strength

I can do this

These hands are only two,

But two is more than none

Two is enough

Two can work just fine

Food by food,

Moment by moment

I can empty these shelves,

I can fill my cupboard

And I can be free

Because these two hands

Are surrounded by dozens of others

Others supporting

Others cheering

And even others moving food to their own cupboards

We will be free

We will do this

Food by food

Moment by moment

Tear by tear

Cheer by cheer

We will be free

WIAW: When I don't want to eat

Today (writing this on the 22^nd) was a rough day. Of course that’s how always works. Have an amazing freeing day and declare recovery awesomeness. Feel free for first time, then next day step on scale and let a number let my world come crashing down. And today it was accompanied by the worst day of the stomach problems I have been having. They were so bad I literally couldn’t physically think about eating.  And then emotionally didn’t want to. But thanks to the help and support of amazing friends..I did do my meal plan…and even decided to document the whole day (well most of it b/c decided halfway through) of eats. To hopefully inspire others that even when ED is shouting no, you can say yes and give your body the nutrients it deserves. 

Now a bunch of my snacks are mixed together with meals because didn’t actually decide was going to eat till 5 pm. I am just being honest with you guys. It was a hard day and it doesn’t matter when you make the right decision…just that you make it. Also, need prayers and good thoughts because went to GI doc today (also part of reason didn’t eat till late because he is 2 hours away without traffic…and there WAS TRAFFIC…thanks Atlanta). With all the issues I am having we needed to meet…he then palpated my stomach, jumped back as I cringed in pain, and said….yeah…we are doing an endoscopy stat. In fact, you are coming on Fri and I am taking three biopsies and scoping you.

So…just add to the ammunition of me not wanting to eat…since this made me feel out of control. But again I ate…and here is how it went. Thanks Jenn for hosting. 

First off, unpictured I ate prunes and half an English muffin in car with Activia. It was around 5 pm and I decided throwing in recovery…there would never be a good excuse for that. Plus everyone was telling me this morning was flux and I decided I would eat my plan today to prove to them it wasn’t.

Then it was lunch time (well it was 7pm so WAY past lunch time). I drew starches from box and wasn’t happy with choices because none safe…so my friend chose for me. Also ran out of my safe fruits….and was to overheated to eat oatmeal…so had to face corn on cob (Thanks Mel), peaches, and cereal (Multigrain cheerios). I am not sure why cereal is scary….it just is. Also, unpictured was spinach and sunflower seeds. So on the day I didn’t want to eat….I was eating my fear foods.

My stomach started hurting so I distracted myself, but got too distracted and realized at 10 pm when my parents went to bed I hadn’t had snack or dinner…so had to combine both. I kept a recent behavior change I wanted to throw out window and got my 4 oz of frozen protein (whiting) and 2 T PB unskimped. Was terrifying and hated thought of this food in body…but just powered through. Sometimes you just have to. Can’t say I enjoyed it….just powered through. In fact, was so scared and in pain didn’t taste it….which is something need to work on.

Honestly been struggling with meal timing and makes it hard for me to take time to eat and enjoy meals. I am not sure why, I just get busy during day and forget to eat and then get distracted at night or busy prepping my parent’s dinner and lunches for next day I end up not eating till late and then have to rush :/ If anyone has pointers let me know.

Then it was onto what I really did and didn’t want to do. I had said a few days ago I would face trail mix as my parents chose on today because it was a semi-rest day and I wanted to face trail mix when ED couldn’t justify it based off spin. The whole day I was excited to do this (Jess part of me), but terrified to do it too (ED part of me). I just knew even if I did an equivalent…in the end backing out of trail mix because of weight would be ED winning. Technically I would still be in recovery…but at end of day I would know I didn’t give it my all.

And plus…I thought of future I want. What if my roomies or friends of one day my hubby want to go out and it happens to be on a bad day or weight high day or whatever. Am I gonna skip out and be miserable? No! I’m gonna go out with them. Heck..one day I hope to not weigh myself all the dang time. So then…I won’t have a scale to tell me whether to eat or not eat something….what will I do then? I will go with what’s right and today that was doing my trail mix with my fro-yo.

This was honestly the most terrifying fear food I have done because I was scared that my mix had only the “bad” ingredients or too many of them. Like too much of the chocolate was my first fear. Then was scared too much nuts. The raisins I was fine with. But what I did was just shake up container and get a random scoop like a normal person. And yes…I cried….because I was that terrified. I had to do a few scoops because when portioned it out got 28g or 29g and serving was 30 g. So I got exact 30 g and ED was so mad about that because I missed out on chance to restrict :/ And honestly I felt bad about getting full portion too .

Taste wise it was pretty good, but I think trail mix better on its own because so salty. And definitely more a fan of Breyer’s fat free chocolate than vanilla J And yes...I do drink hot cocoa with my fro-yo. 

And to wrap the day up, my easiest snack…though today was hardest because meant did full plan…of course there was still that motivation in me to finish it all to prove to everyone this isn’t flux and I can’t trust body (which is completely ED screwed up thinking, but I’m being honest and hey it got me through day)….yogurt (btw LOVE this greek yogurt and it only one tummy can handle) and apple.

So what do you eat when you don't want to, but know you need to. You eat your meal plan. Maybe it will be fear foods like I did, or maybe it will be all safe....on those days I don't think it matters. For me, it's easier to do fear foods on those days because ED already yelling how disgusting I am....so figure doesn't matter if I eat scarier. And it makes it more exciting. But sometimes it's all safe foods too. The importance is just that you eat your plan, fuel your body, and take the right steps for recovery. It's okay if you slip, or if like me it takes you forever to make the right decison. It doesn't matter how or when you do it, just that you do the right thing. 

150 DAY OF PROGRESS not perfection!

WOW! Today was a bad start to a day at work, but it’s ending up being amazing…and no matter what it’s a HUGE DAY for me….today I am celebrating 150 DAYS OF RECOVERY! I feel so blessed and honored to have made it to this point. Thank you to friends, family, prayers, God, my amazing N…..just everyone and everything that made this possible. Words can never express what this day means to me. To feel the joy I feel now..it’s priceless.

For years doctor’s told me I could never fully recover because of my long history with anorexia and other disorders, but look at me now! No…I’m not fully recovered and I don’t think anyone ever really is, but I am in recovery…and I did it all outpatient. Something everyone said I never could. People waited for me to relapse one more time, like I always do…but this time I didn’t. Thank you God for that.

Has it been a perfect 150 days..NO! There have been times I messed up, times I have slipped, and lessons I have learned the hard way. But recovery isn’t perfect. So I could think of no better way to celebrate than with thankfulness for all the progress that has come. Because that is true recovery, its about progress, not perfection. It’s about the tiny steps we make each and every day towards our recovery. It’s about the times we slip, but brush our knees off and get back up. IT’s about the times we fall flat on our face, but lift out hands up to the sky and ask God for the strength to get back up. God is so amazing….I owe this list of progress completely to Him. Without Him…this would be impossible…and I doubt I would be alive. So without further ado….MY PROGRESS!

• 150 days ago I would never eat even a tsp of Peanut Butter…Now I have my own collection of all sorts of flavors and get a FULL (emphasis because I had been skimping and corrected it) 2T EVERY DAY!
• 150 days ago I would never eat a banana…Now I eat one EVERY DAY and LOOK FORWARD TO IT!

• 150 days ago I never took a rest day…Now I have 3-4 rest days a week and have learned I NEED THEM! I have learned it’s okay to not exercise and today I even went to spin more focused on having fun than pushing myself.
• 150 days ago I would always burn my bread products so I could leave some behind…Now I eat my full (though torn to correct wt size) bread portions. In fact, for the FIRST TIME TONIGHT I ate an English muffin at dinner and didn’t burn or tear it.
• 150 days ago I would never imagine eating dessert without it being mandated….In the past two weeks alone I have eaten 3 jumbo cookies and had fro-yo too many times to count! Cause who needs to count anything anyway J

• 150 days ago I weighed everything I ate…Now I don’t weigh fruits/veggies or my PB and am working towards not weighing other things.
• 150 days ago I always overcooked my oatmeal so it overflowed so I could leave some behind….TODAY for the first time I didn’t spill it J
• 150 days ago I would never imagine being able to stick to my meal plan without my nutritionist….this summer has taught me with God I have the strength to be my own source of accountability and to continue to eat when no one else is watching.
• 150 days ago I wouldn’t eat any non-diet ice cream (aka not Arctic Zero)… now I pass right by the Arctic Zero to get my loved Breyer’s Fat Free
• 150 days ago I would never cook myself any protein other than Flounder..now I have tried veggie burgers, veggie dogs, whiting, mahi-mahi, chicken…and cooked it all myself (would eat some of these if was in dining hall).
• 150 days ago white potatoes were never allowed and no potato skin of any type allowed…now my DAILY POTATO WITH SKIN is one of the favorite parts of my meal plan. In fact, now sweet potato is scary and I need to work on that.

• 150 days ago I would never eat any fruit besides apple or pear…now I eat plums, bananas, nectarines and tonight even faced blueberries!
• 150 days ago I would never eat any veggie besides spinach….now I eat slaw, carrots, broccoli, okra..though a lot of progress still needs to be made there.
• 150 days ago I would never imagine eating based on exchanges not choosing things off calories…now exchanges are the thing I cling to. I still think in calories, but am learning to go with my cravings. It’s just a start, but it’s progress.
• 150 days ago I would never change my planned meals because I wanted something else….tonight I chose based off a change in craving even though it meant scarier options.
• 150 days ago I planned every single part of my meal plan days in advanced and made sure to eat super safe if any fear food was involved…now I don’t plan what I am eating till the day of and all starches are chosen based off a RANDOM draw from a box! It’s completely up to chance (or as I tell myself to God) what I eat that day in my scariest exchanges.

• 150 days ago I would never allow myself to eat or drink late even if it was just water because of fear of weigh-ins….now I eat/drink in my meal plan no matter the time. In fact, because of work am usually up till 12 AM  eating!
• 150 days ago I would never add calories if my exchanges were too low or spilled…now I make sure to hit the minimums and to add spreads if skimp cals. I do want to get to point I add spreads just for the heck of it, but this is progress.
• 150 days ago I would never imagine actually going to graduate school…on Aug 6^th I will be moving to Knoxville to go to a dream graduate school and am fully funded through two assistantships and waitressing!
• 150 days ago I would never imagine sharing my story of recovery as a motivation for others beyond my blog….today my celebration of 150 days aired on 104.7 The Fish as the Encouragement at 8:30 pm! I felt so honored and blessed to be able to give glory to God!

• 150 days ago I would never have opened up to my family about my struggles….now I share my recovery and the slips and successes with my mom.  I got to her and my stepdad when I am questioning parts of my recovery. It’s been amazing.
• 150 days ago I wouldn’t let my family make any decisions about my recovery…now every week my mom and stepdad select my fear foods for the week….with NO INPUT FROM ME! THEY HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL AND IT’S THE BEST DECISION I’VE MADE. They are also the reason I only work out 3-4 days a week.. I now listen and respect their input.
• 150 days ago I would never have imagined 150 days of recovery heck I couldn’t have even imagined getting through the day in recovery….TODAY I AM CELEBRATING 150 DAYS OF RECOVERY!

Every time I think I am done with this list I think of another thing these 150 days have brought….but I had to stop writing at some point :P I feel so blessed or these 150 days and all of you have made it possible. And I never thought this would be possible. 150 days was never on my radar. In fact..I didn’t even think about it till last week. I have just taken it day by day, step by step…and 150 days came to me.

These 150 days were filled with tears and smiles, slips and successes, ups and downs, highs and lows…and that’s okay. These 150 days have been far from perfect, but as you can see full of progress. And that’s recovery….it’s about progress not perfection. That’s something an amazing therapist named Wade once told me..and now I see what he meant. Sometimes we need to stop looking at the ways we have slipped or how far we have to go and appreciate how far we have come.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and plenty of changes to make….but I didn’t want to think of that today. I wanted to focus on how far I have come…because I rarely do that for myself. And it has made today AMAZING. I just lived and appreciated today for being 150 days and I stayed in the moment. This allowed me to not spill my oatmeal, to eat the dinner I wanted…to feel I was eating normally for the first time. It allowed me to use my money on things I wanted…new clothes and my first ever own set of pots/pans (I’m growing up!). It allowed me to go to spin class and focus on having fun not pushing myself. It allowed me to face my mom’s selection of blueberries as a fear food even though I didn’t want to. There have been 150 days of freedom…and today was definitely one where I felt free.  Thank you all and thank you God and my daddy watching over in Heaven for making this possible!

WIAW: Freedom finds

Hey guys...gonna be mostly wordless WIAW, but wanted to share some recovery strides even though right now dealing with really loud ED and really bad depression. So here you go. Just three freedom finds we will call it. Need a little positive in my day. Thanks Jenn for hosting! These aren't all my freedom foods did this week...just ones worth sharing right now when barely have time. Rest will share later.

First, my new fav bagel equivalent. 1 cup Breyer's fat free chocolate with PB2 and a sweet potato. Yes...sounds like a weird combo, but its AMAZING. In fact, had it twice this week!

Next up, another bagel equivalent I love and am still terrified of. Jimmy John's Oatmeal Raisin cookie! Also done this twice this week....turn out has been scary and honestly...I've written them off, but they are soooo good. Especially heated up a little bit...so I hope I change my mind. 

I also faced something I used to love. Still seeing if I like it as much as used to, but right now on yogurt kick. Still, I faced fat free cottage cheese. By the way, it melts well in microwave!

And last but not least. For the first time ever I celebrated Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-fil-A. I have always wanted to do this, but either missed it or was too scared to eat anything. All you have to do is dress up partly in cow gear you get free entree, full cow gear you get free meal. Well, I can't eat any sides and honestly just wanted to face the new Grilled Chicken Nuggets. So I ordered a cow hat...and went to get my nuggets. Literally put the FREE in FREEdom. 

They were AMAZING. Got 12-piece and split with parents (we each had 4). 

So those are my freedom finds for this week. I have medical procedure in morning and snacks to do, so I'm off, but I love and am cheering from all of you. Please leave comments since I'm starting to think no one reads this, and me and my recovery and my blog...just don't matter. 

Full portion, full freedom! Truth to combat ED's lies

Sorry no WIAW, but had to make room for something even more important. True freedom food from truth. The truth to combat a lie related to freedom foods. The lie ED uses when he tells you it’s okay to skimp in little areas because you are doing a freedom food.

This happened to me tonight. I am facing a jumbo cookie from Jimmy John’s as my calorie-based snack equivalent. I was only semi-scared about it until I found discrepancies in the calorie count online. ED used this as perfect ammo at first to get me to not do it. But I refused to not face it (and didn’t have the other calorie equivalent options available), so that didn’t work. That’s when he started his lovely trick of justifying skimping.

“Just tear a little off here. Do a smaller potato. That banana looks too bruised on the side so leave that off. It’s okay because you are doing that cookie tonight. It won’t matter. And it will make it easier.” That’s what ED says…and I am sad to admit today I listened. Usually I can combat these lies…but tonight…I didn’t take the time to do that and did the more instinctive, “easier” thing and just obeyed. Well let me tell you…ED IS A LIAR!

He may say it will make it easier or that it won’t count or matter, but let me tell you ED himself is counting up all that skimping. And at the end of the night or whenever you face the challenge (which for me is the end of the night)…he will throw them all back in your face. Every morsel you left behind will suddenly matter. He will tell you it doesn’t matter about your challenge now, because you have failed. Even if you don’t balloon it will just be because you skimped. He will literally laugh in your face and call you stupid.

That’s what happened to me tonight and my head started to spin. I just wanted to make everything right, but I couldn’t go back and undo the skimping. I couldn’t eat back what I had torn off. I started to feel it was all hopeless and I have failed. But then I realized the great thing about eating disorder recovery…every meal is a chance to get back on track and to make room to undo past mistakes. So I used dinner to do this. I calculated about how many calories I thought my skimping added up to….and I added those calories to dinner. Now ED is saying it was too many and yelling at me about that, but I would much rather he yell at me about failing him than failing recovery.

So I will have my cookie tonight. And I will stick a middle finger up at ED. And next time he comes with his sweet whispers of skimping, I will shout back at him one simple word: “No!” Because skimping doesn’t make it easier….in the end it just makes everything that much more challenging. Skimping is not the answer, recovery is. Full portions is. In fact, I think on days you have big challenges, it is even more important to take time at meals and snacks to ensure you get all your portions. When you are walking into battle is when you need your armor the most. And recovery, my friends is a battle. But it’s a battle all of us can and will win! Fight on warrior. One unskimped spoonful at a time!

UPDATE!!!! Just to show ED's butt being kicked

It was delicious. Made me remember the kind of sweets I actually like. Ones that taste fresh. Cinnamon, oats, raisins...I don't have to force myself to try and like rich ones like chocolate if I don't. Don't have to make myself sick trying to eat dessets others like. Can have the ones I like!

Perfect BECAUSE of our Imperfection

Thank you again Beth Moore! It’s been a rough few days guys. I have been dealing with some personal issues I am not comfortable sharing out of respect for the person and have also been getting comments about how I won’t be able to recover without treatment, haven’t hit my rock bottom, or will never be able to be a therapist or nutritionist because I’ve had my eating disorder too long. It had me really down and honestly ready to stop all this hard work. Maybe they were right. Especially since it looks like I will be without a team in TN as well due to finances.

Then I had this bible study and BAM! God hit me. It spoke to the truth I have held on for so long, that God sees our whole lives and uses EVERY part of them to prepare us for our future. Yes…even the mistakes. The mistakes aren’t the end of our story, they are the areas of mending that prepare us for our calling and make us perfect and complete. They are part of the equipping God does of us spoken about all throughout Scripture.

The Enemy wants to bind us up and tell us we are incapable because of our past. Of the ways we have slipped up in the past, but my dear friends, that is a pure LIE. The reality is any time the word “equip” is used in Scripture, the Greek word means “the prepare, mend, reapair, make a perfect fit.” God doesn’t just prepare us…denoting starting fresh from a clean slate, but he REPAIRS us. He uses our pasts, what we see as imperfections, to make us PERFECT for our calling. For a perfectionist like me, knowing I am perfect for something because of my imperfections means a lot.

So yes…I’ve struggled for quite some time, but that doesn’t mean I am not called. That this fire in me to help others isn’t the Spirit. No, my friends, it just means God has a beautiful path of restoration for me. And He has it for you too. And it doesn’t matter how long we have been “disabled” by our pasts. Jesus Christ laid hands on a woman disable for 18 years in Luke 13:10-17. He released her (even on the Sabbath) and “untied [her] from the bondage.” He does the same for each of us, freeing us for our destiny, the one we are PERFECT for.

I can’t sum it up and put it any more perfectly than using Beth’s words: “God mends our pasts to tend to our futures.” Don’t look at your past and think it counts you out, no Precious one, it is the past that counts you in. The mending and repairing that will come from it will make you perfect for your calling. You can heal others best if you can show them where the Lord has healed you. That’s why there are support groups. Because through our similar hurts, we find healing. God can do that even moreso. He can sow up our wounds so we can show off our scars and say to people…you can be healed. So let’s embrace our past, ready for how the Lord will use it for repairing and preparing for our future. All you have to do is bring the Lord your pasts and hurts, He will bring the healing. 

Independence from ED day

Happy 4th. Gonna keep it short, but been rough day...at least at first. Tummy hurt, weigh-in was terrifying, and I was in bad place missing dad. Then took these treats I baked to work and made others happy and that got me happy (and the 40 dollars in tips today was good too).

So decided screw the weigh-in...it's independence from ED day..something really needs fireworks. So I faced some corn on cob at lunch.














And at dinner faced vegan burger on sandwich thin (with spread I will share in my WIAW), a nectarine (think I have new fav fruit!!!), peppers (AND new fav veg). Tried one bite as burger...but nope...tore it apart lol.

And because no ED independence day is complete without dessert a Arctic Zero sundae with a York patty (snowflake because haven't eaten since Xmas) and a Vitabrownie. 



This was AMAZING. I freaking LOVE York patties. Knew I did because they are so light and fresh. I don't have huge sweet tooth...neither did my dad...but mint or spice and you got me! Leave me feeling light after dessert...not heavy. This one as for us papa

So let's shoot off some firework, let freedom ring, and honor the memory of my dad and Pop Bill. Take that ED...today is ED independence day.