Saturday, July 26, 2014

Filling my cupboard: First poem in a while

This is the first free form poem I have written in a long time. I am nervous because I haven't edited it or even read over it. I just let myself go. I will put the story behind the poem up later tonight. But I wanted to do what I feared and share the poem. Would love tips, or if it's even worth it to write? Or if I should just stick with my usual blogging?

I know this isn't at all like the beautiful poetry I used to write. Perhaps I have lost my spark. Me and my father used to share a love and passion for poetry. And now...I guess I have lost my passion and what he saw as a gift. It's just easier to blog than to do poetry...and now I feel my poetry doesn't even make sense. My mind must just be too much of a mess...

My mind swirls and tumbles over and over
Numbers, calories, foods
Can’t eat this, can’t eat that
What can I eat?

Want it, can’t have it
Simple things, diet things,
Things people reach for when they want to lose weight
For me are covered in hazard tape

Caution: Can’t eat this
Caution: Must skip this
Caution: Don’t deserve this

Why can’t I just rip off the tape?
I close my eyes and see myself do it
Rip off this tape and breaking free forever
But I open my eyes and see the tapes covering shelves

These shelves are filled with foods
Only a few spaces are open
A few foods are missing from their place of fear
And have filled a cupboard labeled: freedom

I glare at the shelves still filled
The shelves filled with foods I want to reach for
Foods I want to eat
Foods I know I can eat
And yet all I can do is stare

The shelves aren’t locked
They aren’t sealed
They are covered with tape
Tape I can tear with my own hands if I wanted to
Tape I could just reach past

I glare in frustration at my two bare hands
These hands have shaken past the tape a few times
Made the empty spaces I see
They have moved food from these shelves to the cupboard
The cupboard sealed not from me, but from fear
The cupboard of freedom

But these are just two hands
Two shaking, simple hands
And these shelves are filled
How long will this take

I glare at my hands that seem so inferior for the task
I glare in frustration
How did these shelves fill so quickly
And yet empty so slowly
How did I get here
Where I don’t want to be?

Then I feel something: Hands
Hands on my shoulder
I turn around and see friends
Friends with hands

Their hands can’t empty my cupboard,
But their hands can go on my shoulder encouraging me
Grasp my shaking hands as I reach past the tape
Cheer as I make each food move

I stare back at my two hands
And realize they are not alone
I have support
I have strength
I can do this

These hands are only two,
But two is more than none
Two is enough
Two can work just fine

Food by food,
Moment by moment
I can empty these shelves,
I can fill my cupboard
And I can be free

Because these two hands
Are surrounded by dozens of others
Others supporting
Others cheering
And even others moving food to their own cupboards

We will be free
We will do this
Food by food
Moment by moment
Tear by tear
Cheer by cheer

We will be free

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