I'm sorry for strong title and let me preface with: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. This post is somewhat about the feeling of suicide, but it's about how that feeling is actually a reflection of us wanting to die to ourselves and our flesh. This is just the title God laid on my heart and no other one seemed fitting.
Tonight I got to go to recovery-based meeting to support my
mom in something and something someone said there spoke volumes to me. She was
sharing about her experience and how so many times when she was in her disorder
she wanted to die. It seemed like that was her only way out. But what she
shared is she had realized in those moments (which sometimes she still has) she
doesn’t really want to die. It just seemed like the only way to escape her mind
and recover. She didn’t want to die to the world, to her friends, to her family….no…not
real death. She just wanted to die to herself. To the monster(s) in her mind.
Why did this speak to me? Well I don’t share much on here…or
really anywhere to anyone, but I have those thoughts too. Like what’s the point
of fighting. When people say you might die if you don’t fight…I say I don’t
care and it actually sounds appealing. I get there some days. And I was
definitely there when I was in the throws of my disorder. I felt like I was on
death’s door and I didn’t care because at least if I was dead, ED’s voice would
leave. In fact…there were times and have been since my dad died where I did
think about suicide. Would I ever actually do it? No…probably not. At least I
hope not. But I do have the thoughts.
And I know plenty of people do. In fact, I have had friends
who had the thoughts and they are no longer here because they acted on them.
And I get it. I get it when the voices are so loud and it seems like only way
out. It’s another reason eating disorders are so deadly. But what the person
tonight made me realize is that really we don’t want to die…we are just
desperate to get better. And so we have an option…we can choose suicide but
that’s not what we want, or in those moments…we can do a suicide to our self…to
our flesh…and choose to recover. We can go to God in our desperation, and let
go of ourselves. We can do the next right thing.
I reach this points of desperation so frequently now and I
think it’s because my dreams are coming true and I am going to grad school and
I am realizing all I stand to lose if I don’t fully recover. And I get
desperate usually in the moments I know there is a recovery decision I can make
(ie eat fear food, increase portion, rest, etc) but I am scared to make it. It
is in those moments ED is talking so loud that it’s hard to hear myself anymore
and I just want it to stop. I have tried in those moments to reach out to
others to get them to tell me the right thing to do….because I know what it is…but
then sometimes they get it wrong and I just feel more desperate.
Through this person sharing tonight I am realizing what I
need to do in those moments. The moments I am feeling like death would be
better than having to fight. I need to drop to my knees, drop my pride, and
call out to my Abba Father for the strength to do the next right thing. I need
to die to myself, to my flesh, and to the whispers/screams/voice of my ED.
Whatever is in my head to do I need to do the opposite and pray for the
strength to get through.
It’s so easy to get so overwhelmed in recovery. Especially
when you are making the right steps and the voices are getting louder. You so
desperately want recovery and for the voices to be gone, but recovery is a
process. A lifelong, daily process. And let’s be honest…we are instant
gratification seeking people. But recovery isn’t instant, it’s not overnight…it’s
gradual…just as our disorders were gradual. But it’s worth it. Because yes
there are days when ED is loud…but as recovery goes on….we learn to silence ED
and we begin to experience days where he is but a whisper.
So when you are feeling overwhelmed and like throwing in
recovery…let a smile break across your face. Don’t be scared. Because you don’t
really want to die. You don’t really want to give up. The reality is this shows
how much you want to get better. Because you so much want to die to yourself and
the war in your mind and you are just upset about the work and time it takes.
So the best thing to do. Reach out to your higher power…to your source of
strength…and push through. Do the next right thing.
And you don’t have to want to die in the desperate moments.
I am in one of those stages right now and I’m not suicidal but struggling a lot
with frustration and fear if I will ever recover. But it is based in the same
desperation. I am frustrated my recovery is so slow and feeling overwhelmed by
how disordered I am because I so want to get rid of this disorder. And honestly…being
in a place of not wanting the disorder is a great place to be.
So for me I am instituting a new “rule” for myself to help
with this desperation. No matter the circumstance or excuses that may come up…if
all the sudden I face a recovery decision whether over a fear food, behavior,
exercise, portion, food choice, whatever…and that desperation comes in…I will
pray for peace, take a deep breath, and do whatever the scarier option is. No
matter if my mind tries to tell me I am not craving it or can wait or whatever.
I will do the scarier thing….because that is how I will know I am pissing ED
off and dying to my flesh…and so I can live free.
Hope this made sense to everyone J
PS: If you are feeling suicidal please do talk to someone, anyone. It is crucial. NO ONE deserves death and it IS NOT the answer. Please...if you feel you are suicidal either call 911, go to the hospital, or call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (24 HOUR CRISIS
LINE)
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