Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Full portion, full freedom! Truth to combat ED's lies

Sorry no WIAW, but had to make room for something even more important. True freedom food from truth. The truth to combat a lie related to freedom foods. The lie ED uses when he tells you it’s okay to skimp in little areas because you are doing a freedom food.

This happened to me tonight. I am facing a jumbo cookie from Jimmy John’s as my calorie-based snack equivalent. I was only semi-scared about it until I found discrepancies in the calorie count online. ED used this as perfect ammo at first to get me to not do it. But I refused to not face it (and didn’t have the other calorie equivalent options available), so that didn’t work. That’s when he started his lovely trick of justifying skimping.

“Just tear a little off here. Do a smaller potato. That banana looks too bruised on the side so leave that off. It’s okay because you are doing that cookie tonight. It won’t matter. And it will make it easier.” That’s what ED says…and I am sad to admit today I listened. Usually I can combat these lies…but tonight…I didn’t take the time to do that and did the more instinctive, “easier” thing and just obeyed. Well let me tell you…ED IS A LIAR!

He may say it will make it easier or that it won’t count or matter, but let me tell you ED himself is counting up all that skimping. And at the end of the night or whenever you face the challenge (which for me is the end of the night)…he will throw them all back in your face. Every morsel you left behind will suddenly matter. He will tell you it doesn’t matter about your challenge now, because you have failed. Even if you don’t balloon it will just be because you skimped. He will literally laugh in your face and call you stupid.

That’s what happened to me tonight and my head started to spin. I just wanted to make everything right, but I couldn’t go back and undo the skimping. I couldn’t eat back what I had torn off. I started to feel it was all hopeless and I have failed. But then I realized the great thing about eating disorder recovery…every meal is a chance to get back on track and to make room to undo past mistakes. So I used dinner to do this. I calculated about how many calories I thought my skimping added up to….and I added those calories to dinner. Now ED is saying it was too many and yelling at me about that, but I would much rather he yell at me about failing him than failing recovery.

So I will have my cookie tonight. And I will stick a middle finger up at ED. And next time he comes with his sweet whispers of skimping, I will shout back at him one simple word: “No!” Because skimping doesn’t make it easier….in the end it just makes everything that much more challenging. Skimping is not the answer, recovery is. Full portions is. In fact, I think on days you have big challenges, it is even more important to take time at meals and snacks to ensure you get all your portions. When you are walking into battle is when you need your armor the most. And recovery, my friends is a battle. But it’s a battle all of us can and will win! Fight on warrior. One unskimped spoonful at a time!

UPDATE!!!! Just to show ED's butt being kicked
It was delicious. Made me remember the kind of sweets I actually like. Ones that taste fresh. Cinnamon, oats, raisins...I don't have to force myself to try and like rich ones like chocolate if I don't. Don't have to make myself sick trying to eat dessets others like. Can have the ones I like!

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