Wednesday, July 23, 2014

WIAW: When I don't want to eat

Today (writing this on the 22nd) was a rough day. Of course that’s how always works. Have an amazing freeing day and declare recovery awesomeness. Feel free for first time, then next day step on scale and let a number let my world come crashing down. And today it was accompanied by the worst day of the stomach problems I have been having. They were so bad I literally couldn’t physically think about eating.  And then emotionally didn’t want to. But thanks to the help and support of amazing friends..I did do my meal plan…and even decided to document the whole day (well most of it b/c decided halfway through) of eats. To hopefully inspire others that even when ED is shouting no, you can say yes and give your body the nutrients it deserves. 

Now a bunch of my snacks are mixed together with meals because didn’t actually decide was going to eat till 5 pm. I am just being honest with you guys. It was a hard day and it doesn’t matter when you make the right decision…just that you make it. Also, need prayers and good thoughts because went to GI doc today (also part of reason didn’t eat till late because he is 2 hours away without traffic…and there WAS TRAFFIC…thanks Atlanta). With all the issues I am having we needed to meet…he then palpated my stomach, jumped back as I cringed in pain, and said….yeah…we are doing an endoscopy stat. In fact, you are coming on Fri and I am taking three biopsies and scoping you.

So…just add to the ammunition of me not wanting to eat…since this made me feel out of control. But again I ate…and here is how it went. Thanks Jenn for hosting. 

Peas and Crayons
First off, unpictured I ate prunes and half an English muffin in car with Activia. It was around 5 pm and I decided throwing in recovery…there would never be a good excuse for that. Plus everyone was telling me this morning was flux and I decided I would eat my plan today to prove to them it wasn’t.

Then it was lunch time (well it was 7pm so WAY past lunch time). I drew starches from box and wasn’t happy with choices because none safe…so my friend chose for me. Also ran out of my safe fruits….and was to overheated to eat oatmeal…so had to face corn on cob (Thanks Mel), peaches, and cereal (Multigrain cheerios). I am not sure why cereal is scary….it just is. Also, unpictured was spinach and sunflower seeds. So on the day I didn’t want to eat….I was eating my fear foods.

My stomach started hurting so I distracted myself, but got too distracted and realized at 10 pm when my parents went to bed I hadn’t had snack or dinner…so had to combine both. I kept a recent behavior change I wanted to throw out window and got my 4 oz of frozen protein (whiting) and 2 T PB unskimped. Was terrifying and hated thought of this food in body…but just powered through. Sometimes you just have to. Can’t say I enjoyed it….just powered through. In fact, was so scared and in pain didn’t taste it….which is something need to work on.

Honestly been struggling with meal timing and makes it hard for me to take time to eat and enjoy meals. I am not sure why, I just get busy during day and forget to eat and then get distracted at night or busy prepping my parent’s dinner and lunches for next day I end up not eating till late and then have to rush :/ If anyone has pointers let me know.

Then it was onto what I really did and didn’t want to do. I had said a few days ago I would face trail mix as my parents chose on today because it was a semi-rest day and I wanted to face trail mix when ED couldn’t justify it based off spin. The whole day I was excited to do this (Jess part of me), but terrified to do it too (ED part of me). I just knew even if I did an equivalent…in the end backing out of trail mix because of weight would be ED winning. Technically I would still be in recovery…but at end of day I would know I didn’t give it my all.

And plus…I thought of future I want. What if my roomies or friends of one day my hubby want to go out and it happens to be on a bad day or weight high day or whatever. Am I gonna skip out and be miserable? No! I’m gonna go out with them. day I hope to not weigh myself all the dang time. So then…I won’t have a scale to tell me whether to eat or not eat something….what will I do then? I will go with what’s right and today that was doing my trail mix with my fro-yo.

This was honestly the most terrifying fear food I have done because I was scared that my mix had only the “bad” ingredients or too many of them. Like too much of the chocolate was my first fear. Then was scared too much nuts. The raisins I was fine with. But what I did was just shake up container and get a random scoop like a normal person. And yes…I cried….because I was that terrified. I had to do a few scoops because when portioned it out got 28g or 29g and serving was 30 g. So I got exact 30 g and ED was so mad about that because I missed out on chance to restrict :/ And honestly I felt bad about getting full portion too .

Taste wise it was pretty good, but I think trail mix better on its own because so salty. And definitely more a fan of Breyer’s fat free chocolate than vanilla J And yes...I do drink hot cocoa with my fro-yo. 

And to wrap the day up, my easiest snack…though today was hardest because meant did full plan…of course there was still that motivation in me to finish it all to prove to everyone this isn’t flux and I can’t trust body (which is completely ED screwed up thinking, but I’m being honest and hey it got me through day)….yogurt (btw LOVE this greek yogurt and it only one tummy can handle) and apple.

So what do you eat when you don't want to, but know you need to. You eat your meal plan. Maybe it will be fear foods like I did, or maybe it will be all safe....on those days I don't think it matters. For me, it's easier to do fear foods on those days because ED already yelling how disgusting I figure doesn't matter if I eat scarier. And it makes it more exciting. But sometimes it's all safe foods too. The importance is just that you eat your plan, fuel your body, and take the right steps for recovery. It's okay if you slip, or if like me it takes you forever to make the right decison. It doesn't matter how or when you do it, just that you do the right thing. 

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