THERE ARE SOME NUMBERS USED SO THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING. PLEASE DON'T READ IF CAN BE TRIGGERED.
So I weighed this morning and was so sad before I got on. I just thought I knew with how late I ate everything last night that my weight would be up and I wasn’t ready to see number closer to my scary weight. I weighed…palms sweating, mind spinning…and it was DOWN A LB. WHAT! I had had grits and scary veggie and eaten late and this happens. WHAT! I was so excited.
In fact I was so excited I sat down and relaxed and did a bible study and with weight out of my mind I was able to hear what God was saying. It was amazing and I will write more later, but basically I need to experience “hunger” from scale and cling to God instead of numbers because it will increase my spiritual/truth “hunger” which will be filled by the “food” God provides at my N weekly weigh-in. Without feeling the hunger though, my eyes will be on number not on him.
So anyways I was super stoked and feeling motivated.I was seeing that wt all the sudden shoot down when I think it be up and really there was no reasoning behind it…my body just did it. I didn’t restrict or overexercise and my body just worked itself out. This made me see that daily weighing doesn’t really give me any indication of what weekly weigh-in will be. There is no telling if wt will go up, down, or stay the same the next few days…so I still have no idea what weight will be come Tuesday and the daily weighing just messes with my head. So I need to stop it.
So here I am feeling motivated and excited. Facing challenges, trusting body…and it hits me I may have forgotten to eat my banana last night. Not on purpose, just because I am not completely used to plan and was kind of in a panic. I swore I did….but idk..now I am not sure and I counted the bananas in my fridge and there are 3 and I think there were 3 yesterday…but there may have been 4 and I just don’t know. But know my mind is clinging to this idea that the banana is the reason for the loss. Here I was trusting God and believing that He does desire me to trust my body and trust food and if I step away from scale and cling to Him, He will show me that. But I can’t weigh daily and see that because numbers will get in the way. I need to “fast” from scale and let it only be used when to glorify Him (in sessions).
Now I am here blaming a freaking 80-calorie banana. I mean the logical me knows that’s ridiculous.I mean geez…I ate an extra calorie cupcake and weight didn’t budge…now I am saying not eating a banana causes your weight to drop a whole lb. And I won’t know if I don’t eat banana (which is exactly what mind saying to do). I will only find out if I eat the banana, forgive myself for the restriction, and move on. Otherwise I am just fueling ED and restricting on purpose. Accidents happen….but choosing to not eat banana is disobedience. And like I said…only way to find out is to eat the banana. So guess that is what I am going to do.
I am going to put into action what sermon taught me. I am “hungry” for the truth and going to expect God for the unexpected which for me right now would be eating the banana and my weight either going down again or not going up tomorrow. Yes this means complete fear today as I continue with my challenge foods and as I eat the banana not knowing if I will gain, lose, or stay the same. But it is perfect practice for next week when go whole week without knowing. Just trust Jess…just trust….