Friday, August 9, 2013

Illusion of trust

So I am learning I am acting like I am trusting people with this recovery process, but honestly I am not. I am still so stuck in having all the answers. Especially when it comes to my meal plan. It’s why I weigh myself still daily. I want to know how this meal plan is working, if it’s too much, how much it will take to gain…etc, etc, etc. And I freak out when I don’t get the answer I want.

Example…my meal plan. I was told by some that it was still really low and so I assumed I wouldn’t gain on it. Well my daily weigh-ins have proven otherwise and I am scared. I know I have been on a higher intake and gained less than I am gaining now so I am confused and scared. So what do I do? I waste hours in my day surfing webpages trying to find the answers. What does that do? Scares me and confuses me so much more. I read horror stories of people ballooning and blah, blah, blah. Granted I know the only people who are going to post things are the people going through extreme circumstances that scare them….and thus the internet will only provide me with horror stories. Yet I search in desperation for something to tell me how everything is going to go and something to tell me everything will be alright.

Well…if I was truly trusting my N and God and my body as I want to then I wouldn’t need all of this. I would eat the meal plan and not weigh during the week. I would trust that my N knows what she is doing, that my body knows what it is doing, and that all of that will be proven at the weekly weigh-in. When ED said I was gaining this week….I would have said that my N knows what she is doing. Instead I stepped on the scale and freaked myself out with daily fluctuations…becoming enthralled in the numbers and in trying to dissect and figure out my meal plan.

I want to EXPERIENCE recovery…not fight my way through it. I want to experience it as in experience the anticipation of a weekly weigh-in which is true recovery…not trudge my weigh through recovery tied down by daily weigh-ins. I want to trust and do whatever my N wants me to do with my meal plan…not freak out every day based off of a daily weigh-in and waste hours trying to deduce what the best step to take with my intake is. Fact is…that’s not my call anymore. It’s my nutritionist. I need to trust she knows what she is doing.

I just keep doing this research and hearing that people can gain on low intakes and then have horrible metabolisms and blah, blah, blah. I read that 2500 calories is the minimum needed to gain and I know I am not eating that so I freak out about that. I draw on past experiences and knowing that I lost on higher intake and wondering if I am somehow in a starvation mode and my body is hoarding food and I am just gonna balloon and never be able to eat.

You see what happens when I don’t trust and try and take back the control….I freak out and go into a tailspin. Instead of just handing my intake and weight over to my N whose JOB it is to deal with that and who has a degree in nutrition…I try and find the right answers.

I am just so scared because really handing over the decisions to her and not checking her work in a sense by doing daily weigh-ins it would mean blind trust. Not knowing if my meal plan will go up or down or stay the same (something I have always known because I’ve always been in control of it except when in treatment). It means just taking the steps in recovery and feeling that fear.

But you know what…there is also excitement there. In treatment it was always so crazy when my N would come and find me and tell me I had an increase when I was so sure I was gaining (increase meant gain stopped or you lost). I don’t get to experience that excitement now because I check my weight every day. But if I actually did weekly weigh-ins they could become exciting again. And my week could be freed from the daily panic that comes with daily weigh-ins.

I guess it’s time for that step I don’t want to take…I guess it’s time to step off of the scale. It’s time to EXPERIENCE true recovery and all the fear, excitement, and panic that brings. But maybe it will be better…I mean I have never tried. IT can’t be worse than the tailspin panic daily weigh-ins bring me now. Because even if the daily weigh-ins go all over…my weight could be completely suprising on the weigh-in day at N and all this freaking out would be for nothing…because it’s that weigh-in that counts.
And the fact is I am not supposed to be in charge of my weight or food anymore. And if I trust my N who says nothing extreme can happen in a week…then there is no reason for me to weigh myself. I should just wait for the weekly weigh-ins. I should learn to just trust and not question.

SO that is going to be my goal for next week. I am either going to allow myself no weigh-ins between my sessions or just one. I’m not sure yet. I am scared to experience the fear that will bring…but I am excited for the possible freedom that will come with it. Well…I didn’t expect this journaling to bring that out of me. For me to realize I shouldn’t weigh myself every day….but hey…guess this is again God knowing what He is doing.

He has shown me if I say I am trusting I need to fully trust…and that means giving Him and my N complete control and stepping away from the scale that gives me the illusion of control. I am not in charge of my food anymore….because I don’t know how to feed myself. So I don’t need to weigh myself. My N knows how to feed people with anorexia and is trying to teach me how to eat normally…so she is the one that needs to know my weight. Well…this sucks…but who knows…maybe something good will come out of it. Plus, it’s the Lord speaking to me and His plans are good…so if He plans for me to get off the scale so I can EXPERIENCE recovery then I will. I can give it a week…because as my N says…nothing horrible can happen in a week…and I choose to trust her.  

No comments:

Post a Comment