Sunday, August 25, 2013

Truly Happy 21st B-day

So it has 21st b-day and the 1st b-day in 6 years I had cake! That's right I did it. Here is the play by play.

It was a great morning and afternoon except my timing got off. Because of this (and the fact wanted to get my timing down) I had to eat lunch then right after put together snack and dinner. I felt horrid, not really in the tummy department, but the guilt department...yet I knew I made the right decision.

So my friend showed up at 7 pm and drove me downtown where we first went to Starbucks and chatted. The anxiety just kept increase and increasing, because I knew the minutes were ticking to the time to face the cake. But I mean no one can feel bad when your friend gets you a tiara, pin, AND sash.

After talking a bit we decided to head to the fateful restaurant where we both would strike mighty victories and we arrived and Last Resort Grill! The anxiety in me welled up, but also so did excitement. They seated us at a reserved table and as we walked to the table I saw the cakes all in their displays and on the various tables diners were at...and anxiety kept increasing. What if there wasn't a flavor I liked? What if it tasted bad? What if it was too rich? All these questions swirled in my mind, but having Becca there just put me at peace.

 Our waitress came out and explained the dessert menu, but I already knew I wanted the lemon cake, so I didn't listen. She explained they had cheesecake, layer cake, and tiramisu and I told her we were doing layer cake. I then let her do her duty and tell us all the flavors knowing full well I was having lemon....but I noticed amidst the chocolate flavors (there were like four kinds), red velvet, carrot cake, hummingbird, raspberry, and strawberry...she had failed to mention lemon. That's when panic hit. I told her I wanted lemon cake and she said because it was Sunday they didn't get a cake delivery, but she would check to see if they had any leftover. She then asked for my second choice just in case....I had never thought of this happening and I got scared. I knew I wasn't a big cream cheese icing person and knew I didn't like rich cakes like the chocolate ones, but was that me or my disorder? I was so scared to make the wrong choice on such an important day. I really don't like heavy cakes, but was that a "scarier" more recovery oriented option. I really wanted something light and refreshing like the lemon cake.

The waitress said her favorite was the raspberry. That is was a white cake with a little raspberry jam in it and whipped topping. I mean it didn't sound bad, but I had never had a cake like that and I mean it didn't scream to my taste buds, but neither did any of the other choices. And I didn't want strawberry, so it was between raspberry and hummingbird...but honestly I didn't want just sounded too rich. Thankfully, Becca doesn't like hummingbird so we were left with raspberry. As the waitress left I questioned my choice. Would it be good? What would my family think? My mom doesn't like fruit flavored stuff so she probably would be more proud if I faced chocolate. I asked Becca what she would have done and she said raspberry or Mocha that moment my brain questions why I didn't do chocolate. Was it my disorder or did I really not like it. I didn't want to take the easy way out. Then the waitress came with a slice with a candle in it...when she came out to the patio where we were sitting...I could tell it was the raspberry. When she put it in front of us and explained there wasn't lemon I told her we were now thinking Mocha Chocolate. she said she could bring that out...but honestly...I didn't want the chocolate..I was just scared of the unknown in this flavor. Becca looked at me and with that peace only she can bring me said she thought we should stick with this flavor (she was right...had I changed my mind I would have questioned that). And so raspberry it was.

I got to blow out candles in a cake for first time in 6 years! I was so excited I forgot to make a wish! I then got to enjoy the 1st bite of a restaraunt cake EVER! And was amazing. It was light adn airy, but sweet too. It wasn't that fake tasting cake of childhood parties or the kind you buy at the grocery store. It was pure and simple and sweet. It wasn't a heavy layer of buttercream, but the refreshing taste of whipped topping. And the raspberry tasted fresh and light too. It was honestly the best cake I have had in forever. I still feel guilty that I like desserts like this and not the double chocolate or cream cheese ones my mom's family enjoys...but I am trying to accept it's not my ED...I just...I have different taste and that's okay (thanks dad for reassuring me of this).

And me and Becca did it together and it was so much more about the experience than the cake! It was honestly the best birthday I have had in...I don't even know how long!

Bite by bite we shared this cake and experience. And I felt true joy. My ED was talking was saying I ate more than her that I had more icing...blah, blah, blah. But I told Becca exactly what it was saying...and she assured me her mind was saying the exact same thing. That brought me a strange sense of comfort. We couldn't both have eaten "too much" or more than each other..nope...we both were eating the amount we wanted and what we deserved...that's why ED was so mad.

As the cake began to mind began to spin. I realized soon the cake would be gone, and unlike in times past where I have eaten desserts I didn't like just because others wanted me to...I felt okay about that. I felt..dare I say...SATISFIED! It gave me sweetness I wanted...but that's just it...I wanted and enjoyed it. Again I felt bad about this because my mom wouldn't have liked it and I again began to wonder had I done something scary enough. It was an amazing cake and the type I wanted but would it have been more right to eat something richer like cream cheese icing or chocolate if that wasn't what I wanted? But I silenced the voices and enjoyed my cake...the one I HAD CHOSEN. The one GOD had provided for me to choose.

And then we got to this piece and I got scared. I knew soon the experience would be over. I looked at the slice left and looked at Becca. I felt she needed to eat it because surely since I started from the top and she from the bottom I had consumed more cake and icing than her and thus didn't need anymore. She needed more than me. Instead of keeping this inside I told Becca and again she told me her disorder was saying the same thing. I won't lie...I am still scared I ate more than her, but you know what...I ate what I wanted.

To solve this dilemma we both had this piece together and when we got to the final bite we split it. And just as the journey had begun it ended: together with the amazing girl I am lucky and blessed enough to call a friend. It ended with a single bite as it had begun...a single bite taken together with a friend...a single bite that claimed our victory...a single bite that gave glory to God...a single bite that made it a truly (for the first time in years) HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Thanks to Becca and to Last Resort Grill. Couldn't have done this without you, your support, and without God by my side. thank you Becca for never giving up on me and for letting me know it all was and would be okay. Couldn't have imagined a better girl to savor this moment with!

So some people may go out on their 21st and celebrate liberation in finally being "legal" to drink celebrated finally being "legal" to enjoy my birthday and the cake. To being legal to be free of ED, for allowing myself to experience life and live in the moment....I was free to just be me. That is the best gift I could have ever asked for!

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