Well today has been rough. I went into my nutritionist being
honest and motivated. I put it all out there…and it was good, but the plan
scares me and I have a lot of guilt for speaking up about things I wanted. I
don’t want to share plan as I don’t want to trigger others by causing
comparisons, but here are the things speaking up got me that scares me so much.- My nutritionist is having me do scary fish options every day because I told her about my lupus and arthritis. ED is telling me had I not said anything, this wouldn’t be the case. I am also on higher fats and I feel it is because I told her about my lupus and arthritis…but she assures me it is not because of that.
- My nutritionist was going to allow me 30 minutes of yoga a week, but I told her I only did yoga to burn calories and was wondering if maybe I shouldn’t do any exercise. She was so proud of me and said that would be great. So ED is saying I could have had exercise had I kept my mouth shut.
- My nutritionist was going to have me do a safer snack, but later asked what other fear food I wanted to face and I told her I wanted to have the bagels in dining hall but would wait till it was appropriate. These replaced the lower calorie snack from before…without any compensation being made…so talking got me more calories.
- Then my nutritionist decided I needed to do desserts but she was going to let me replace the snack with the dessert that day…until I opened my mouth about something one of my friends does where desserts are “extras.” My nutritionsit eyes got wide and she got so excited and decided she liked that idea better. So opening my mouth I know have to do dessert as “extra.”
I know reading this that those all sound like positive,
recovery oriented decisions and they are. My nutritionist in no way thinks they
are bad things…but I am just scared they will cause more weight gain than we
agreed upon and it will be “my fault.” My nutritionist doesn’t even think I am
going to gain the amount we agreed upon this week , but I am scared with all
this I will. She is asking me to just trust.
Which brings me to my panic. Here I am feeling guilty for
making these choices and speaking up. It’s just so different for me to do and I
feel that somhow now I will gain weight rapidly. Not only that but this new
plan is not like any plan I have had before. It is semi exchange-based, but
semi-calorie based. And my nutritionist basically told me what some of the
exchanges have to be. For example….my fats…I have no choice in them…you know
what..I am just going to share my meal plan….just know this is MY MEAL PLAN MADE FOR ME….it is in no
way a guide to any one else or their needs.
B-fast: 2 starches (must be either oatmeal/cereal and ½ English
muffin), ½ dairy (activia light must be), 1 fruit (either applesauce or prunes
are only choices), 12 almonds
Lunch: 3 starches 3-4 oz protein (must be fish) 1 cup veggies ¼ cup
raisins (is my fruit always)
1 cup skim milk (is only option for dairy) 2 T sunflower seeds
Dinner: 2 starches (can’t be any kind of bread or
safe item) 3-4 oz protein (must be
fish)
1 cup veggies 2 T olives
Snack: dining hall bagel and 50-cal spread
Snack: Banana, dairy (either 6 oz yogurt or ½ cup
ricotta)
This new plan I am seeing the positives in though
too. I mean I am struggling to just choose the starches now that I am planning
meals for week…ED is just trying to tell me what is right and wrong, good and
bad….so imagine had I had to choose more than just those exchanges. Also, the
fact that it can’t be compared to past plans isn’t only making me trust, it’s
also all the more reason not to restrict portions. Had this been comparable to
past plans than I would have thought (or been told by ED): “Yes, but you only
didn’t balloon then because you restricted portions, so you have to restrict
portions now.” But now I can’t compare and don’t know how weight gain will be…so
there is no reason to restrict…I need to just trust. It’s like a new plan for a
new lease on life.
And so far today I have been taking that approach and
doing the plan, but it is so scary and it feels so wrong, and I feel completely
guilty and anxious. It’s just like it used to be when I was here. I feel lazy
because I can’t exercise, I want to restrict or cut corners…but there is one
difference…I am not acting on those impulses. I am just putting one foot in
front of the other and doing the next right thing. It’s hard, and I’m scared…but
I want to try…I really do. I want to give it a week and be prepared to be surprised
by my body…
This plan is also making me see just how quickly
things can become fearful again. After just a week I literally only have one
safe starch….and now it can’t even count as the exchanges I am used to. That’s
what an ED does though…it makes you scared of everything. So now I am stuck
when it comes to meal planning. And due to “scars” from my last nutritionist…well….I
am scared to eat more than the normal amount of fear foods because she
convinced me that would make me gain weight faster because that’s all she
wanted was more and more weight gain. Same goes for not exercising…she would tell
me that was unhealthy. So now I am scared, but I am doing all I can think to do…I
am reaching out to my current nutritionist and asking her to help me because I
am frozen in fear. I literally have no idea what to eat. One week of severe
restriction and now I literally can’t form meals…that is the power of relapse
and the power of anorexia….so remember that when ED tells you it’s just a
short, innocent lapse…nothing is short with ED…except his patience and temper.
Let me know
whether me sharing plan is trigger or helpful. And please…I want to know people
are reading so pass on about my blog J
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