Monday, August 5, 2013

New Me, New Plan, New FEAR!

Well today has been rough. I went into my nutritionist being honest and motivated. I put it all out there…and it was good, but the plan scares me and I have a lot of guilt for speaking up about things I wanted. I don’t want to share plan as I don’t want to trigger others by causing comparisons, but here are the things speaking up got me that scares me so much.
  • My nutritionist is having me do scary fish options every day because I told her about my lupus and arthritis. ED is telling me had I not said anything, this wouldn’t be the case. I am also on higher fats and I feel it is because I told her about my lupus and arthritis…but she assures me it is not because of that.
  • My nutritionist was going to allow me 30 minutes of yoga a week, but I told her I only did yoga to burn calories and was wondering if maybe I shouldn’t do any exercise. She was so proud of me and said that would be great. So ED is saying I could have had exercise had I kept my mouth shut.
  •  My nutritionist was going to have me do a safer snack, but later asked what other fear food I wanted to face and I told her I wanted to have the bagels in dining hall but would wait till it was appropriate. These replaced the lower calorie snack from before…without any compensation being made…so talking got me more calories.
  • Then my nutritionist decided I needed to do desserts but she was going to let me replace the snack with the dessert that day…until I opened my mouth about something one of my friends does where desserts are “extras.” My nutritionsit eyes got wide and she got so excited and decided she liked that idea better. So opening my mouth I know have to do dessert as “extra.”

I know reading this that those all sound like positive, recovery oriented decisions and they are. My nutritionist in no way thinks they are bad things…but I am just scared they will cause more weight gain than we agreed upon and it will be “my fault.” My nutritionist doesn’t even think I am going to gain the amount we agreed upon this week , but I am scared with all this I will. She is asking me to just trust.

Which brings me to my panic. Here I am feeling guilty for making these choices and speaking up. It’s just so different for me to do and I feel that somhow now I will gain weight rapidly. Not only that but this new plan is not like any plan I have had before. It is semi exchange-based, but semi-calorie based. And my nutritionist basically told me what some of the exchanges have to be. For example….my fats…I have no choice in them…you know what..I am just going to share my meal plan….just know this is MY MEAL PLAN MADE FOR ME….it is in no way a guide to any one else or their needs.

B-fast: 2 starches (must be either oatmeal/cereal and ½ English muffin), ½ dairy (activia light must be), 1 fruit (either applesauce or prunes are only choices), 12 almonds

Lunch: 3 starches    3-4 oz protein (must be fish)      1 cup veggies     ¼ cup raisins (is my fruit always)
1 cup skim milk (is only option for dairy)       2 T sunflower seeds

Dinner: 2 starches (can’t be any kind of bread or safe item)      3-4 oz protein (must be fish)
1 cup veggies          2 T olives

Snack: dining hall bagel and 50-cal spread
Snack: Banana, dairy (either 6 oz yogurt or ½ cup ricotta)

So as you see my nutritionist chose basically everything except for veggies and starches since dining hall only offers one option for fish every day.  That makes me so scared because I used to feel a little safer when I could choose and “balance” safe and non-safe items…especially when came to fats and fruits….and now I can’t….and that scares me. To me this screams rapid weight gain and I am really having to trust because I can’t compare it to past plans because in past plans I have always gotten to choose everything.

This new plan I am seeing the positives in though too. I mean I am struggling to just choose the starches now that I am planning meals for week…ED is just trying to tell me what is right and wrong, good and bad….so imagine had I had to choose more than just those exchanges. Also, the fact that it can’t be compared to past plans isn’t only making me trust, it’s also all the more reason not to restrict portions. Had this been comparable to past plans than I would have thought (or been told by ED): “Yes, but you only didn’t balloon then because you restricted portions, so you have to restrict portions now.” But now I can’t compare and don’t know how weight gain will be…so there is no reason to restrict…I need to just trust. It’s like a new plan for a new lease on life.

And so far today I have been taking that approach and doing the plan, but it is so scary and it feels so wrong, and I feel completely guilty and anxious. It’s just like it used to be when I was here. I feel lazy because I can’t exercise, I want to restrict or cut corners…but there is one difference…I am not acting on those impulses. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next right thing. It’s hard, and I’m scared…but I want to try…I really do. I want to give it a week and be prepared to be surprised by my body…

This plan is also making me see just how quickly things can become fearful again. After just a week I literally only have one safe starch….and now it can’t even count as the exchanges I am used to. That’s what an ED does though…it makes you scared of everything. So now I am stuck when it comes to meal planning. And due to “scars” from my last nutritionist…well….I am scared to eat more than the normal amount of fear foods because she convinced me that would make me gain weight faster because that’s all she wanted was more and more weight gain. Same goes for not exercising…she would tell me that was unhealthy. So now I am scared, but I am doing all I can think to do…I am reaching out to my current nutritionist and asking her to help me because I am frozen in fear. I literally have no idea what to eat. One week of severe restriction and now I literally can’t form meals…that is the power of relapse and the power of anorexia….so remember that when ED tells you it’s just a short, innocent lapse…nothing is short with ED…except his patience and temper.

So I really am having to trust my nutritionist right now because I literally have no facts or experience to help me make judgments on this plan and whether or not I should follow it. I just have in my mind what ED is saying and what my nutritionist is saying…’s up to me to choose who to believe and obey. Following ED is following the enemy, following nutritionist is following God….so I guess for now I am choosing to trust my nutritionist. It’s not easy, but I’m just doing it. Because I am motivated. I don’t want to die and I don’t want to see ED take any more people’s lives including my own. I want to become a warrior against ED, but as my N pointed out today…every warrior has to train for battle…so being obedient this week is my training. Wish me luck…and trust me….there will be more posts!

Let me know whether me sharing plan is trigger or helpful. And please…I want to know people are reading so pass on about my blog J  

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