I don’t know how everything got so crazy but I feel I am sinking in ED again. Every little thing triggers me and my weight scares me to death. I don’t know when I stopped trusting in God. How gaining 1.5 lbs in TWO WEEKS become scary. When in reality that is slow. How I decided to throw in the towel because I am hungry but not losing weight. It’s just so wrong.
I was taken back to that night on Aug 24, 2011 when I gave my life to Christ. I was so desperate for Him then because I was so miserable. Now when I am miserable I get mad at gone and turn my back on Him yet He is the only one who can save me. No wonder I feel so miserable nowadays…I turn from the only light that can shine through this darkness. I question every inkling of feeling I get from Him because it doesn’t seem safe or right…and in the end I am miserable. Why? Because I keep following the same ED path I have before…all because I don’t have all the answers.
I am so scared to just experience recovery. To just let my weight and meal plan change as it does and not question it. It’s like I feel this need to be obsessed about it because I am scared what will happen if my mind is allowed to wander and freely seek other avenues of thought. I just don’t know what I will think about or what will happen without the complete illusion of control my obsession with food and the obsessive thoughts with weight. I want to just hand it over though and actually experience recovery…and in that experience life.
I want to use my meal plan to help me experience life instead of just taking the meal plan now and wondering when it will change next. I need to learn to live in and experience the present moment and I guess my meal plan allows for the perfect avenue to do that. I mean right now I just eat the same thing every day to get in my meal plan because I just want to eat this meal plan so I can (hopefully) go into hypermetabolism and eat more…but guess what…once I can do that I will just want to focus on the next step, next increase, next challenge.
Instead what I would like to do is use my meal plan now and accept and experience it. Accept it’s what I need right now and challenge myself within it. Experience the meal plan by allowing myself freedom to try new exchanges and follow the cravings I get. Instead of eating the same thing just to check it off my list, actually experience and taste the food. It’s a part of treatment I actually liked. The first time I would get to go through the menus and try something…it was exciting because it had been so long since I ate. Now I have that opportunity again. No one is forcing me…I just have to choose it.
So perhaps instead of praying for the next increase or the next meal plan change as I do every night..I will pray for acceptance of my plan and the courage to experience recovery. To not treat it as a bunch of to-dos, challenges, or exchanges to check off. But to experience the challenges, meal plan, and tasks I am given. To feel emotions and not just blow through them. To feel the fear, excitement, and whatever other emotions come as I fight for freedom. TO actually live. To look at anything my N gives me tomorrow as a new experience, not a new task. I am tired of trudging through recovery…I want to use my recovery to experience freedom. I want to live.