Alright…I am done with ED. I mean it’s crazy. This is the second weigh-in I have had where weight was the same as was on Tuesday. This is all despite the screaming ED has had about all the tons of fear foods I faced. You know…the ones that are supposed to make me balloon. Yeah…I’ve faced MULTIPLE a day. I’ve just been eating what I want…no matter the calories or fat or whatever ED is freaking about. This has meant facing tilapia, higher cal veg/fruit options, black beans, sweet potatoes, rolls, corn on cob, mahi-mahi, baked potatoes, steel cut oats…tons and tons of foods I have been petrified of.
Yesterday I weighed after doing this for three days and was in literal SHOCK that hadn’t ballooned. In fact I was in so much shock that I allowed ED to convince me I had actually gained but it was being masked by the amount I had pooped. Yes…I actually bought into this lie despite my attempts not to. Then I got e-mail from my N informing me that I was going to be doing one of her prescribed meals. This is just such a lovely thing.
To be honest it actually is. Because she gives me new meal ideas using my exchanges, but also using a fear food (which I am going to go back to calling freedom foods but more on that in a moment) to challenge my ED beliefs….it pushes me in ways I wouldn’t do. But it is scary as heck too. So for last night I had this beauty to face:
EGG WHITE OMELETTE! It was a struggle to do this and not restrict…took me 1.5 hours to get through the meal but I did it and enjoyed it. I didn’t get to cook it and the person who did didn’t precisely measure each ingredient as I would have so of course ED convinced me I ate too much. It didn’t help that after this meal I was completely full and had no appetite. This gave ED fuel and he told me it was all because I had eaten way too much and would of course weigh a ton today. But I just kept pushing through. I was freaking out, but I refused to give ED any victory. And this morning….weight was exact same and because I didn’t give ED any wiggle room….all I could do was accept that maybe, just maybe I could eat what I want and not gain…that maybe ED was wrong.
Yes…it’s sad…it’s still a maybe..because in my mind I am waiting for the other shoe to fall and all the sudden I balloon…but it’s just not happening…and I am so done feeding into that system in my brain. I want freedom…and heck God is providing my physical, undeniable evidence of the truth my N has been telling me. That my weight gain will require work, won’t happen overnight, and won’t happen any faster if I eat what I want.
And this brings me to the fact I am going to go back to calling fear foods freedom foods and this is why. I have come to realize there is really nothing to fear with fear foods except for not facing them. Or for facing them but skimping somewhere else or acted out in some other way. The only way to have victory and freedom over the fear is to eat the freedom food AND anything else body craving AND not exercise to make up for it. Sure this increases fear…but it is nothing to fear. Because if I eat fear food and stay on plan one of two things can happen
- Outcome A) I find out I have ballooned (this has yet to happen) and ED is proven right. Thus ED is justified and I go on believing that I have to eat only safe foods or whatever. Well…this is exactly where I sit now with the foods. So…it’s no worse than I am now. It is just the same fear I am stuck in.
- Outcome B) I don’t balloon and realize I can eat those fear foods (and hopefully one day accept all foods) and ED has nothing to cling to (I am going to do a separate post on importance and flaws can get in when facing fear foods) to explain why haven’t ballooned. Thus I gain freedom to eat these foods.
So basically if I eat fear foods….I can’t get any worse than I am. Eating them doesn’t bring more fear in the end…just the possibility of freedom. My situation can only get better…and thus I am going to call them freedom foods…because eating them can and I believe WILL only bring freedom.
And I am not going to lie. I feel in a better place than I ever have. Because this is first time IN MY LIFE I have eaten what I wanted even if scary. And guess what…I haven’t gained at all…yes I know this means meal plan increase and yes I know I need to gain…but I feel this is what I needed to happen this week. Because it is showing me I can trust my body and trust foods….that there need not be any fear.
Now just because it shows that doesn’t mean I am any less scared. I mean I feel slightly more free, but I know I am going to have to keep up the hard work and persistence. And I am going to need to gain and still accept the food…which is why this maintainance is good because its something I can fall back on. Now tomorrow is my 21st b-day and I am definitely going to be freaking out as I eat cake IN ADDITION to my meal plan. I am completely scared but I will not restrict or overexercise…because I DESERVE cake on my b-day and DESERVE a chance at freedom. Plus…worst comes to worst and I balloon…just means no meal plan increase come Wed for my session and if cake is to blame…then it will go away when I don’t have cake. But for now..not going to focus on what ED says will happen…gonna focus on the possibility of freedom it brings and the reality that it may be just like when faced cupcake….and I didn’t gain anything…and ED was proven wrong.
No matter what it is my b-day and this will be first time in 6 years I have b-day cake and I freaking deserve it and I will enjoy it. I know my weight is in God’s hands and whatever happens happens. In that moment tomorrow with my dear friend Becca…it won’t be about weight. I refuse for it to be. It will be about a victory….a victory to celebrate that God has allowed me to survive my past and for the years of continued recovery He is bringing for my future…and it will all be marked by the step of freedom and faith that will come from the first bite of cake J