Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Where I am At Wednesday :) It feels so good

Well…for once I can say I am actually doing really well. I finally took a step of faith and stepped away from the scale today…first time in months I think and it’s huge that I did that especially with starting an increased plan yesterday. And honestly it felt great. Didn’t have number swirling in my head all day and had strange peace. Sure ED still told me I gained weight or whatever…but it just didn’t seem to matter without a number there.

Also today I did what I have been wanting to do and experienced recovery. I stayed present at meals and snacks and I ate what I wanted even when scared me so much. I still need to make some progress with my meal timing, but plan on doing that tomorrow. Still, all in all, it was an amazing day. Thought with all the fears I would feel miserable…but actually I feel excited. It’s weird…I am not dreading the weigh-in on Friday but am excited about it. I have been facing so many fears so I only see it as an opportunity for freedom. If I have ballooned as my brain says than I am no worse off than I am now, but if I keep challenging myself and find out I haven’t ballooned it just means freedom.

Oh and something else on my heart to share. I know in recovery I am so scared of ballooning as are so many others and when you Google search this all you find is people freaking out because they have ballooned. Let me just tell you that doesn’t happen for everyone. In fact, I have followed my N guidelines and only gained a lb in two weeks…gained it all in first week but then I plateaued and didn’t gain any this last week according to my weekly weigh-ins. Just thought I would share that….just because other people have these scary ballooning or rapid gain experiences doesn’t mean you will. It’s all about trust.

Which brings me to a new part of Where I am At Wed I want to start since Wed will be my N appt days from now on…and that’s to share my goals from my nutritionist. So here they are for this week:
    day cake on my 21st b-day Sunday for  irst time in 6 years. Not only that but it is one from a restaurant and I don’t know the counts on it…I have NEVER done that.
  1.    I will eat b-fast by 9:30 or 10 AM. You see I have this thing against eating in morning. I like to restrict during the day and then eat most of my food later in day. Well, let me rephrase, I don’t like it but it is what I do because I am scared of the hunger and lack of control I feel when I eat earlier in day. But it is better for my GI system, my mood, my health, and my recovery to eat throughout day and that’s only possible if I actually eat b-fast at a b-fast time.
  2. Stick to meal timing we have set out. Not gonna post all the times because its different for every day and let’s be honest…I’m only person really needs to know what time I am eating what haha. But we have planned it out and I am supposed to stick with it.
  3.   Fear foods: of course my N never lets me leave without choosing fear foods. I am to continue tackling raisins and bananas and sunflower seeds as they can easily slip back to scary, but new this week are: corn on the cob, black beans (did these tonight), pecans, broccoli, baked potatoe, dinner roll, fruit juice, and egg whites
  4. Eat at least two meals in dining hall and one day do b-fast in dining hall: I got in this habit of sneaking stuff out so I could eat meals in my room to avoid anxiety of not having my food scale or measuring or comfort of eating alone. Well, no longer. My N wants me in the dining halls eating. I also have NEVER in my 4 years here eaten b-fast in the dining hall…but this Sat I will be.
  5. Do meal plan increase: due to stall in my weight gain I have a new snack added I am to do.
  6. Last BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST I am eating b- My lovely friend Becca and I already have reservations. Without her and the accountability and love she brings to each of our times together….I honestly don’t think I could do it, but thankfully I got over myself and reached out and she is gonna be there for me…one bite at a time. Oh and it’s not to count as any exchanges…just extra for that day.
So I’ve got a daunting week ahead of me, but I am hopeful for the freedom it will bring. And dang nabit, I am excited about my cake J You know some people want to have their cake and eat it too…in recovery we learn a different scale…we learn to fear our cake but eat it too J

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