A reaction I had today made me question if I have really been commited to recovery till graduation like I said I would. I had weigh-in today and it was scarier than what I expected, but had already planned challenges for the day. My first instinct: don’t do the challenges. Even spent the next 30 minutes planning out how to add more activity to my day. Luckily, the “recovery” side of me sent out a text and told on myself. My amazing friend Melissa then reminded me of my commitment.
I stopped dead in my tracks. I wondered how many times since my commitment 26 days ago I cut corners or didn’t go full out because of the scale or something else. Any other time I commit to something in my life whether it be running or schoolwork….whatever, I go full out. I do everything in my power to meet my deadline and to be at my best when that deadline comes. But with this commitment…I wasn’t going full out. I was still committing, but not to the extent I could.
Example…spring break I was supposed to really push myself to do higher calorie starch exchanges…but back in my home environment…I just didn’t. I used my anxiety as an excuse, and then my upcoming surgery, and then my stomach pain. Now let’s say I had committed to writing an essay for class by the end of spring break. I would have written the essay day 1 and re-read it and edited it every day so by the end of spring break it would be the best it could. And I could have done this with recovery. I could have started day 1 of spring break by buying tons of freedom foods and making a plan for which I would face what days. Then every day I would eat my planned risk ones and could push a little harder if I felt I wanted to. That would be true commitment.
So today I realize there is a difference between making a commitment and fully committing. I made a commitment and I have met it. I have done my meal plan and not restricted and I plan to do this till graduation…but that’s not fully committing to giving recovery my all. I know there is more I could give, but I am holding myself back. So now…now I am fully committing till graduation. What does this look like?
Well it means continuing to follow the meal plan, but also to take any and all increases and risks my
nutritionist give me. It means going with my cravings no matter if they are scarier. It means doing the weekly desserts. It means if I feel a desire to do a challenge…like let’s say go to a restaurant, I let me team know and commit to doing it. It means committing to exchanges replacing my mental calorie counting (something I experience yesterday and will write about later). It means not letting the scale or weigh-ins dictate what I do. It means getting rid of any ED behaviors I don’t want in my recovered life (ie overexercise which I already am avoiding, food scale, limiting food choices, etc). That’s what it means.
I am doing well on some of those things, but there is room for improvement. What is my fear of full commitment…the same as always. I am scared of the weight gain. But I have to realize that is part of the commitment too. I have to gain weight. I don’t want to, but I have to. Heck…I don’t want to study for exams…but I do that. Time to suck it up and give it my all till graduation. I told myself I would. I told myself I wanted to see what true recovery was like and I need to give myself a chance.
That means gaining weight and committing. Otherwise I will be miserable at graduation and want to relapse but not because recovery isn’t worth it, but because I didn’t fully commit to recover. This is my last season with my N. This is my last chance. I have to give it my all. And what am I risking? What is the “worst” that could happen? I gain more weight than I thought I would? Well guess what…I need weight to be healthy. I may not believe that but all facts point to it. So really that isn’t a risk at all. The bigger risk is continuing to semi-commit and get to graduation full of regrets and with no way to change the past.
We all face this, disordered or not. We have goals and challenges we want to meet. We have a choice every day to either make a commitment or fully commit. You may not be graduating or have a certain date when you need to meet it by, but honestly…we all have an end. We are only granted today. We don’t know where we will be in a year, a month, a week…even tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. So it’s time to fully commit now. To give your dreams a chance now. If you aren’t….there is some fear holding you back. Something you feel you are risking. But I bet if you look at the risk…you will see it is nothing compared to the reward. Doesn’t mean it won’t suck or be hard…but it will be worth it. Give it a try. Give it your all. And give your worries to God .
Love you all,
P.S.--I did do that challenge today :) Brown rice for the win!