Well its been a rough day and I almost relapsed. Honestly, only reason I didn’t because I kicked butt at spin and knew I needed to nourish my body. I ended up having several victories today in fact which I want to speak out before I get to deep stuff:
- Ate what wanted without thinking cals (thanks pain meds for making me to out of it to care)
- Got bagel flavor I wanted and appropriate spread
- Was too tired to do strength training I’m allowed on cycling days so stretched instead
But I can’t just speak about all the good. I can’t pain that my recovery is good right now, because it’s honestly shaky at best. Luckily there was traffic today so I had some time to think about this. To try and figure out what the heck is going on. I know it’s more than weight. I am learning my ED spikes and has me concentrate on weight to distract me from something else. I found several of those somethings today and I need to get them out.
The surgery hit me again with painful missing of my dad and all the grief I have pushe down came bubbling up. I have been trying to ignore how mad and upset I am. How much I miss talking to my dad. How I hate going home because when I have to come back to campus I have to face fact I didn’t see him. How I don’t want to graduate without him there. How I am scared to grow up without him. That last one I have realized is a big one
I am at a point I am making big decisions. I am going to grad school and after two years will be in the workforce. I don’t feel ready for that. I don’t feel ready for independence. I want to just hide away at home and be taken care of. I am scared to have to take care of myself. I am scared to be independent. I am scared of growing up.
I have always had these fears, but when my dad was around I reassured myself by telling myself he would be there to guide me through. Just like how he helped my brother transition to the workforce and move to Texas he would be there for me. Any time I would tell him these fears he would tell me to take it one step at a time. That he would be there to help me. Just to slow down and take a breath.
But now he isn’t here and I am scared. I honestly don’t want to grow up without him. I am scared I will make mistakes. I am scared without him there I will turn into my worst fear. That I will go bankrupt or not find a job. Have to move home. Not get married. Never accomplish my dream. And so I just want to stay home and not go to grad school because I am scared. I just want to wait till my dad comes back.
He had this way of looking at me and calming me…and I just want that look, that comfort. I want the peace of knowing he will be there to help me. My dad just…I don’t know..he seemed to have his life together. He wasn’t in debt, he was doing what he loved. It hadn’t always been that way, but he had worked through it all. I wanted to learn from him…and now he is gone.
Yes, I have my mom, but its not the same. She hasn’t always been the best financially and she still doesn’t like her job. I honestly am scared to be in the same financial state as her. And she doesn’t know a lot about other things my dad helped with like computers and moving. I just…I relied on him so much and always planned on him being there. Now there is nothing I can do. I wish we hadn’t said we would talk about it when it happened…because now he isn’t here to talk.
I feel alone….like I am losing my family
This hit me hard this weekend. The biggest fear I had in losing my dad…actually this comes way back from losing my grandpa in August…as the family separating…and I feel like it’s happening. I already don’t hear from my brother and now I don’t get to hear how he is doing from my dad. My dad’s sister has reached out to me, but we just aren’t that close.
It was just another thing reminding me my dad wasn’t here. It was their anniversary and her b-day this week…it just feels like we all should have been together. Like this aren’t how they are supposed to be. And I can’t fix it. I can’t bring my dad back…and I have to realize this is just how things were supposed to be…I just didn’t see it coming.
So I am starting to feel alone and the one way I know how to get nurturance and attention is my ED. I realized this use of my ED after my surgery. I liked that the surgery went wrong and I was having complications because people came around to support me. I felt cared for and loved. I guess I just didn’t feel that way for so long that now I am desperate for it.
Still…the hardest thing I am facing right now is feeling I am losing my stepfamily. It hurts my heart so much. They are a connection to my dad…and I just don’t want to let go.