Hey guys—
Sorry haven’t been around. Got slammed at school week before
spring break and this break well it’s been interesting. Thanks to Mr. ED and
his lovely havoc on my body I had to get a liver biopsy done. My bp and pulse
were horridly low (86/52 and pulse in 30s) so I was held extra long and have
had bad effects. So I’ve been a little down and out. Not to mention...been having to cope with bed rest.
I am writing today because ED is screaming. Had the
operation on Wed and wasn’t able to eat that day. Due to nausea and pain
yesterday also couldn’t eat. I woke up today feeling a bit better, sore but
better. I knew for sure I would have lost weight from not eating and needed to
get back on track. So I decided to weigh to motivate me to get back on meal
plan and push through the nausea. Well..so much for that. Weight was up. Now…my
N warned me about this. Because was pumped full of IVs and all…but I am just
shocked and scared and every part of me wants to restrict.
Well…every ED part of me. All those old parts of me that
prioritize weight over everything else. But I’m also exhausted and know its
probably from not eating. I also want to heal from the operation and that can’t
happen without eating. I also really want to go back to spin class tomorrow and
that can’t happen if I don’t eat today.
So I’m stuck and I’m scared. I’m not hungry and still don’t
have appetite (thanks pain meds) but I know I NEED to eat. I don’t want to eat
especially with the weight now glaring me in the face. But I know I NEED to
eat. I need to eat to heal from surgery, I need to eat because my N tells me
to, I need to eat so I can go to spin. There are just things more important
than my weight. I want to heal, I want to spin, I want to not be miserable. I
want to not pass out driving back to school tomorrow. These things require me
to eat.
So I’m not happy. ED is yelling horrid things at me. I feel
disgusting and like a pig. But I am eating. Honestly, a huge motivation for me
doing this was so I could come write this post and help you all. If any of you
were in this position I would tell you to trust and eat. That relapse wasn’t
worth it. That every relapse or relying on a number to tell you when to eat
again has only ever hurt you and tormented you. So today…I am going to eat my
meal plan even though the numbers say not to. Because healing, spin class, and
not being miserable matter more than a number. A number that may be fluids. And
heck…I restricted and it went up. I didn’t restrict because of ED but still
restricted. So why the hell keep being miserable when it can go up and I can be
eating and not miserable?
ED just isn't being kind. Calling me a failure and of course fat. He is saying there is no reason to eat and that I don't deserve it. Then he says its okay to eat today, but tomorrow will have to restrict. And honestly I am too tired not to believe him. So I am. But I am just telling myself: you restricted past two days not because of ED and are miserable. You don't need to be miserable. You want to go to spin. To go to spin you have to eat. So you just have to.
I am grabbing for anything now. Any kind of motivation. But
today…may just be mechanical and so I can go to spin tomorrow. Sorry nothing
earth shattering or awe-inspiring today. Just a real struggle and the reality
of how I am trying to get through it. Positive messages, thoughts, comments,
prayers appreciated. Just to hear that other people are fighting to would help.
Love,
Jess
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