Friday, March 14, 2014

Having to look past numbers

Hey guys—

Sorry haven’t been around. Got slammed at school week before spring break and this break well it’s been interesting. Thanks to Mr. ED and his lovely havoc on my body I had to get a liver biopsy done. My bp and pulse were horridly low (86/52 and pulse in 30s) so I was held extra long and have had bad effects. So I’ve been a little down and out. Not to mention...been having to cope with bed rest. 

I am writing today because ED is screaming. Had the operation on Wed and wasn’t able to eat that day. Due to nausea and pain yesterday also couldn’t eat. I woke up today feeling a bit better, sore but better. I knew for sure I would have lost weight from not eating and needed to get back on track. So I decided to weigh to motivate me to get back on meal plan and push through the nausea. much for that. Weight was up. Now…my N warned me about this. Because was pumped full of IVs and all…but I am just shocked and scared and every part of me wants to restrict.

Well…every ED part of me. All those old parts of me that prioritize weight over everything else. But I’m also exhausted and know its probably from not eating. I also want to heal from the operation and that can’t happen without eating. I also really want to go back to spin class tomorrow and that can’t happen if I don’t eat today.

So I’m stuck and I’m scared. I’m not hungry and still don’t have appetite (thanks pain meds) but I know I NEED to eat. I don’t want to eat especially with the weight now glaring me in the face. But I know I NEED to eat. I need to eat to heal from surgery, I need to eat because my N tells me to, I need to eat so I can go to spin. There are just things more important than my weight. I want to heal, I want to spin, I want to not be miserable. I want to not pass out driving back to school tomorrow. These things require me to eat.

So I’m not happy. ED is yelling horrid things at me. I feel disgusting and like a pig. But I am eating. Honestly, a huge motivation for me doing this was so I could come write this post and help you all. If any of you were in this position I would tell you to trust and eat. That relapse wasn’t worth it. That every relapse or relying on a number to tell you when to eat again has only ever hurt you and tormented you. So today…I am going to eat my meal plan even though the numbers say not to. Because healing, spin class, and not being miserable matter more than a number. A number that may be fluids. And heck…I restricted and it went up. I didn’t restrict because of ED but still restricted. So why the hell keep being miserable when it can go up and I can be eating and not miserable?

ED just isn't being kind. Calling me a failure and of course fat. He is saying there is no reason to eat and that I don't deserve it. Then he says its okay to eat today, but tomorrow will have to restrict. And honestly I am too tired not to believe him. So I am. But I am just telling myself: you restricted past two days not because of ED and are miserable. You don't need to be miserable. You want to go to spin. To go to spin you have to eat. So you just have to. 

I am grabbing for anything now. Any kind of motivation. But today…may just be mechanical and so I can go to spin tomorrow. Sorry nothing earth shattering or awe-inspiring today. Just a real struggle and the reality of how I am trying to get through it. Positive messages, thoughts, comments, prayers appreciated. Just to hear that other people are fighting to would help. 


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