Today started off good. I got to co-teach a spin class for the first time and did it as a Recovery/Remembrance Ride for National Eating Disorder Association. Basically I led the ride with positive, encouraging music. It is a very hard workout we planned and the focus was all about the class seeing they have the strength to push through anything. And in the moments they wanted to give up they just remember the millions out the fighting eating disorders and all those who have died in the fight. They push through for those people. For the ones fighting and the ones who can’t fight.
Then, at the end, I did a little mini-speech about how the same strength that got them through the ride could get them through anything in life. Any obstacle, any adversity, anything. That is their strength and they can use it to overcome. And also that they weren’t a size or a weight. There body was more than a number. That they could look at the class and see just what an amazing machine their body is. How capable it is (I even had tons of insights here but more on that tomorrow). And how capable it is of even more than they can imagine. How capable they are. And that they and their bodies deserve love and nourishment…it was amazing. I spoke so much into me and I was the one doing the talking (though really was the Lord speaking through me).
So I was on cloud nine…feeling good…then life happened. I won’t go into all the details, but basically someone reported my blog and my disorder to my school and it worked its way up to the Dean of Students and I was reported to a committee that evaluates people who may be a threat to themselves of others. I received an e-mail that all this had happened, an investigation had been done, but that there was no further intervention. I felt outed and scared because my boss said we needed to meet and I knew (from the CC on the letter) the head of our department had been informed. I didn’t know if he knew the specifics. I didn’t know if everyone now knew about the disorder I have worked so hard to hide. I felt exposed, raw, vulnerable…and I broke down.
You know what my first instinct was too. To restrict. My thought was: “Well I will show them. If they want to report me for my ED I will restrict.” Luckily my wise mind took over and I realized that wasn’t the answer. That would only hurt me. It wouldn’t hurt them or prove anything other than that I needed help. So instead I called my mom, sent out text, and cried. Instead of running from the fear and sadness and anger by restricting…I used words. I said how I felt…I got vulnerable…and I cried.
Long story short…everything ended up working out. My boss just needed to meet to check in on me and still doesn’t know specifics. I talked to the committee that reviewed my case and basically they investigated my blog and were actually more inspired by my vulnerability and the motivation of the blog to show the reality of recovery than they were concerned (though they said they were still concerned about me since it did reveal I have a severe eating disorder). But man…it took a lot of hours for everything to get cleared up and it was draining. But sometimes life happens.
Plus…with all these meetings and having to go run the errands I had planned before all this happened…well my meal timing which has been so stellar…it wasn’t. At first I started to beat myself up. Then I thought..wait..this wasn’t my fault. I have done the best I could. I still faced my fear food for the day…and I am still doing my meal plan…today…life just happened. And in recovery life will happen. But we can’t stop fighting. We can’t use unexpected circumstances to warrant us taking a day of recovery…because then relapse happens. And relapse robs you of life…the good, joyful parts of life.
So when life happens…let recovery happen too. Even if life hurts, even if its unexpected..let recovery happen. Even if life feels like its spinning out of control…control the one thing you can..your recovery. You can’t control relapse once it happens..because relapse is giving up your control. But you can choose not to relapse. You can choose recovery. You can choose to let life happen and keep on living…recovered and free. It won’t be easy. Today wasn’t easy. I still feel guilty. But you know what…that’s okay. Guilt is a feeling…it will pass. But relapse…it feels like an eternity…and one day..it won’t pass..I will. And I am not willing to let that happen. So I am letting life happen…and today…I choose life… Crazy, chaotic, messy life but also freeing, joyful, suprising life. Because life..its better than relapse. Even the worst days in recovery are better than my best days in relapse. So I choose recovery. I choose life.