So today was the dreaded weigh-in. It wasn’t dreaded at first. In fact, the build up to it had been people preparing me I would most likely need a meal plan increase. Well I woke up this morning bloated and not feeling well. I re-thought the higher fiber meals from yesterday and got scaled for weigh-in and when it happened…everyone was shocked. Even my nutritionist. It was up an uncomfortable amount even in just the past few days. I won’t lie, my first instinct was that I needed to eat completely safe today and increase my exercise. I think for a while that will always be my first instinct. The shame and guilt came too (more on that in a late post as I realized the root to it). But the thing that changed this time was me and my reaction.
All of me wanted to eat all safe items, but already had freedom foods planned and was craving a potato. So unless I wanted to go against my N and my body….I couldn’t eat safe. Then I wanted to increase my exercise amount for the day, but I really didn’t have the time and know my N wouldn’t want me to. So again, it would be giving into ED and disobeying my N. But the options were still there. This time however…I chose to stick to my commitment. My commitment to obedience at least till graduation. To give this my all. My weight was up, but that’s the goal. More than I am comfortable with, but it’s okay. It will all be okay. I couldn’t restrict, I couldn’t overexercise, so I had to cope some other way.
So I reached out to people and then I prayed. In those two actions I got an amazing peace and realization. I realized this weight gain was unexpected to me. But God…He knew it was going to happen. He knew I would face this challenge this morning, but He also knew how I could get through and that I would. Not only that, but God only allows us to go through things that will make us stronger and better even if we can’t see it in the moment. It gave me a peace knowing this was God’s will and thus there was something good to come out of it. I don’t know what but there is. But only if I push through.
If I ran back to ED by overexercise or eating safe, I would give up the opportunity to overcome this challenge. I would go back to the same misery I have always known and would lose out on whatever greatness and strength God desired for me. Or I could push through. As terrifying as it is knowing I am guaranteed victory and strength through it. And so I did the latter. I trusted God and pushed through.
It’s been a roller coaster, but I feel much better now than had I relapsed. Also, I got even greater peace when I realized this means God knew I would lose my dad. I have been missing him a lot lately and the pain has resurfaced. But the Lord knew I would face this challenge too. No, He didn’t want my dad to die. He doesn’t want anyone to die, but it’s a fallen world and death happens. God did know I would face this, but He also knew and will equip me to get through this time and come out stronger. He will help me to cope with this time away from my dad till I am with him and God in Heaven.
So today I trusted in God. In His will. In His understanding. God doesn’t promise life will be easy, in fact He promised trials. But He promises to equip us to get through and that, in the end, it’s for our good. It’s just like training for a 5k. Those speed and hill workouts aren’t fun, but in the end, they get you ready for the run. Or it’s like parenting. You don’t want to show tough love to your kids or to correct them, but in the end, you know it will make them better so you do. So here is to strength and the power that comes only from God.