Today was another challenging one and honestly I almost slipped up quite a few times. It started with me waking up feeling bloated and full (which if you have an ED you already know isn’t a good feeling). I also woke up to a message from my N reminding me I needed to do a dessert today. Seriously…how did I forget…because I really did forget. Then it was time to choose my starches from the box. I prayed to God that He choose them. Somehow I thought this would mean they were easy..WRONG.
I got corn tortilla, dinner roll, beans, corn, white rice, and light bread. Now some of these are 2 exchages, so I could toss some back. I ended up sticking with corn tortilla, beans, dinner roll, and corn. My plan was to eat 2 corn tortillas and beans, and then at dinner do the dinner roll as 2 exchanges and eat a ½ cup corn. Problem was I didn’t want beans because I felt bloated and I knew my N wanted roll to only be one exchange.
So I sent her e-mail and got the response I didn’t want. First off, instead of beans she wanted me to face rice again..so change in plan number one. Then she said the roll was only one exchange…if I made it two it meant I was going against her (she didn’t say that part, but I knew that is what it meant). So change in plan number two.
I coped okay with having to do rice, but was freaking out because I really didn’t want the roll to be one exchange. I just..I didn’t want to do it. Not on day I had to do dessert too. So I sent emails, texts…anything to my N to try and get out of it. Final ruling: roll and one cup corn.
So I went to get the roll and I was pissed already. When I got there to get the roll I notice this strange yellow substance at the edges. Now everyone at the dining hall I go to knows me because I am the only one who has eaten at the same dining hall for the past four years. They are amazing and I love them. They also know I like to know what’s in my food, so I had no problem asking one of the managers if butter was added. She went and asked the chef who said not in cooking, but she couldn’t guarantee they weren’t brushed with butter.
WHAT! Seriously who brushes perfectly good rolls with butter. Okay, okay…I guess normal people..but really. Let me choose…don’t choose for me. So I flipped, but I got a stupid roll. I figured would bring back to dorm and let N know about the butter. Surely I wouldn’t have to eat the top since that’s what was brushed with butter.
Well I got back to dorm and told my N and she still said I had to do the roll. This is where things get tricky. I told myself she never said the WHOLE roll and I hadn’t yet told her my idea of not eating the top. ED gave me excuse after excuse after excuse as to why I didn’t need to eat the top. You are eating dessert anyway so skimping not matter. You don’t like the top portion of the roll anyway (I honestly like it the least…but doesn’t mean I don’t like it). If you are supposed to eat the top portion you can just do it next time. The roll is already so large so you can cut out some. On and on and on ED went. And I decided I wasn’t going to eat the top of the roll and suddenly panic set in. I started thinking in calories, freaking out, questioning everything. It was insane. It even took away from me enjoying spin.
I got back to my car after spin in a panic and text my support and told them my plan. Every single one of them told me that I could eat the top. I knew I could but I needed to know if I should. In my heart though…I knew the answer. I knew not doing the top is what was causing this chaos..that it was ED. It took another hour (or two) of convincing…but I decided to do the roll. It really was me…with the help of my friends. I used a technique I am really starting to like. I thought about my future
I have realized each decision I make in recovery today impacts my future. I need to start eating, exercising, living like I want to when I am “normal.” If not, it just gets harder and harder to do. Today that mean eating the top of the roll. I thought to myself…if I go out to eat with someone or (as my lovely friend Melissa pointed out) over to a friends house…am I really going to sit there and not eat the top part of the roll…or question if there is butter. Every time I go to a restaurant am I going to avoid something because I think they might have added butter or oil? I hope not. I don’t want to. I want to just trust and look at a roll as a roll. A starch exchange. Power and fuel for my body. So tonight…that is what I did.
I also did my dessert. I didn’t restrict portions the countless times ED said to. I didn’t eat the smallest bagel. I didn’t decrease my spread. I did my plan. I didn’t overexercise (though I did do a little extra upper body at the gym after spin but not the extra cardio I wanted…so maybe I slightly struggled but this was before I got my head on straight).
ED chimed in over and over again, but I just kept my eyes on my future. And once I did the roll there was no freaking way I was restricting. I wasn’t throwing away that hard work by compensating somewhere else. Screw that! I was all in by that part…literally…I did all the roll..so I was all in.
Honestly…am I scared…yes. But once I decided to do the whole roll…I felt a peace, calm, and joy. The paranoia and panic went away. ED told me it wouldn’t. ED said I would be too afraid. Well..guess ED doesn’t know me well enough. And he definitely doesn’t know my God. Because through Him all things are possible….even eating a whole roll.
So in the end..I see God was there choosing my starches...He wanted to show me just how strong I am. He didn't give me what was easy, but He gave me what I could handle. Our God is an awesome God. He is a challenging God...but only so we can see with Him ALL things are possible.
What is God challenging you to do?