Hey everyone. Sorry it has taken me so long to get another recovery post up….transitioning home I got really busy. Was trying to find a job, testing out spin instructors, focusing on recovery so wouldn’t slip, and honestly…just enjoying time with family and living. But..I had to come back to share a major victory. A victory that ED is still making me regret…but as soon as I made this decision I wanted to share it on the blog…so I knew it was recovery! So here we go.
Last night I was blessed to be hired to work at Jimmy John’s. Yes..I call it a blessing because I have ALWAYS wanted to work at Jimmy John’s. I know, I know…it’s weird. But they are just so chill there and it gives me a way to focus on food without focusing on food..if that makes sense. So I was pumped and got two shifts I am locked into until August. But then….then I looked at one of the shifts…Sat 11:30 AM-3 PM. I began to panic…how could I go to my 9:15 am spin and make it to work. This is where the thoughts and decisions that led to my ultimate victory began.
At first, I figured the solution was I would just go to spin, shower at the gym, and go from there to work. But I would be so pressed for time. And what if I got stuck in traffic. And what about eating after spin? I decided to do something I don’t do…I talked to my family about it. And we decided together, that going to spin on Saturdays wasn’t going to happen. So I had to choose…the job or spin. I just couldn’t bear to let ED steal my job, so I chose Jimmy John’s. But now my schedule was thrown off. I had always included Sat spin as one of the 4 exercise days I was guaranteed…so now how was I going to fit spin in?
So I pulled up the gym schedules around me and realized to do 4 days of spin around my job at Jimmy John’s and some other obligations, I would have to go Mon night, Wed night, Thurs morning, and Fri night. But these instructors are intense….and honestly I didn’t want to wake up early to go the Thurs morning….or to go to the Thurs and be too tired for Fri. I knew the solution…the true recovery solution…it was to give up the Thurs spin. To only spin 3 days a week. But I just couldn’t let myself do that. So I decided I would contact my soon to be co-workers and see if someone would switch shifts.
This is when another blessing happened….no one could take my shift. I know what you are thinking…ummm Jess…this means things didn’t work out how you wanted. EXACTLY. I couldn’t get my way and be able to spin Mon, Wed, Fri, Sat. But…it paved the way for growth in recovery. Let me explain.
I had to make a decision. I kept thinking…okay..it’s fine…I will just spin Mon, Wed, Thurs, Fri….but there was no peace around that decision. I just couldn’t sit with it. Yes…I felt like I would get enough exercise…but it seemed so squeezed together and I worried by Fri I would be so exhausted I wouldn’t be able to actually enjoy spin. Looking back on it now…I realize wanting to spin Mon, Wed, Thurs, Fri was completely calorie and number driven. I didn’t want to do a less intense exercise. This is exactly what I DON’T want spin to become. I want spin to be what I love to do….like it is now…not an obligation, chore, or in any way part of ED.
So…I opened up to my family completely with my struggle. It was amazing. I told them I really wanted to just be able to spin Mon, Wed, Fri…and then just workout with them on Sat. That idea brought me peace and joy. No worry about not enough rest. Get in the spin I want. But it scared me to. Because I felt I would be missing out on more spin. But the peace….it was worth it. My family let me know it was okay. And that going with 4 days spin…especially if it stressed me out and especially if it made spin seem obligatory and miserable….was ED. With their support and hearing from “normies” that 3 days spin was enough…I decided to just do Mon/Wed/Fri spin. The instructors I like. And on Sat make it my “fun” workout…aka a rest day but not really. A day to workout with family.
Yes…part of me wants to say…well give yourself the option of Thurs and if on Thurs mornings you are too tired you can just not go to spin and do something else on Sat. But even that stresses me out because I know me. I know where I am with ED and my recovery and I don’t think I am in a place I could turn down spin in the moment. And I know if I did…if I listened to my body…it would be hard if I had done 4 spin classes the week before and just cause more anxiety. But if I didn’t give myself a 4 spin class week option…this stress never had to exist.
That was a big part of the decision. Realizing by doing 4 days I was increasing my exercise level and my anxiety. Why do that to myself? Why give ED a new foothold. Why not keep what is working for me. The 3 days spin and one day other exercise. Why change something that isn’t broken? Why increase my anxiety and in my life? Unless 4 days made me happier…there was no point in doing it. And all 4 days did was make me panic. So…I decided and promised to myself to keep things as they are and to say no to increasing spin.
I decided not to give ED a way to control me. I decided to go with 3 days spin and one day workout with family. Just like I did (and enjoyed) last week. Was it hard tranisitioning to this from 4 days a week spin at school. Yes. But honestly..in the moment, during the week….I didn’t think about it. I was too busy living and having fun. And so…I am going to keep it up. Going to stick with my 3 days spin. Going to make the harder but more peaceful decision. I am going to choose me over ED. I am going to choose enjoyment over calories. I am going to choose what I know is right.
So thank you all for being here. So I could share my recovery. And so I could know what decisions is recovery. The first thought when I decided to not allow myself opportunity to spin on Thurs. To only spin 3 days a week…I wanted to write this and share it with you all. So I knew…in my heart…it was recovery. And you know what…it will be okay. I am not decreasing my exercise and my body won’t all the sudden realize I didn’t spin when I should have when it never did 4 days at home anyway. But either way…it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to fit my life into my exercise schedule..I need to fit my exercise schedule into life.
So thanks…thanks for helping me free myself. I praise God for this peace. My family for their support. My friends for their encouragement as I made this decision today. The Spirit for providing me peace and discernment. And you readers for helping me have an outlet for it all J