Friday, May 2, 2014

When "Normalcy" hits

So today something “normal” happened and of course, it threw me for a loop!

Day got hectic and timing got off, nothing new there. Spin class was shorter than normal, but was completely motivational and I left feeling my spirit, emotions, and body worked. So I ignored EDs calls to workout more. I then signed in for duty for work and had tons of calls and had to run between buildings. This made lunch get pushed further and further back, but I honestly didn’t freak out. I knew I hadn’t purposely pushed it back and life had just happened. But I was hungry come time I could eat lunch and actually enjoyed it instead of freaking out about timing. But this wasn’t the “normal” thing that threw me for a loop (just a pre-victory wanted to share).

The “normal” thing was I suddenly (okay it had kind of been on my mind since this am) started craving a dessert. On top of my meal plan. Spur of the moment, unplanned, dessert. I know this is normal for non-ED people. It’s normal to want a dessert some days, especially if did exercise, but for me it was surprising. Usually I feel my cravings coming on, this one I didn’t. It came out of left field.

And I wanted to do the cupcake I was craving. Figured no matter what ED said, it would be great to do it. I was active today, so he couldn’t say I was lazy. I wanted it, so he couldn’t say I was disgusting for forcing myself to eat it. And I was dang ravenous. Plus I just wanted the cupcake, ED or not. And it would be huge victory, because this isn’t a dessert day or even a week I planned to do a dessert…and that’s normal. Most people don’t plan their specific dessert day….they just…they have it when they want it or when event.

Yes, there are people who only “allow” themselves desserts on certain days, or on the weekends…but usually this is people who have issues with emotional overeating, and that isn’t my problem right now. Also, even these people (unless they have heavily disordered eating or an ED) give themselves flexibility around this if they have a huge craving, or a spur of the moment event. And I was experiencing this normalcy and wanted to react normally. And this time…ED wasn’t standing in the way, but something else was.
Okay…I do want to say TRIGGER WARNING because this goes into a medical issue that is weight related. I won’t be saying specific weight numbers, but will be mentioning a scary aspect of recovery….so skip to the trigger over part I will add if that bothers you.

So on Monday I went to two spin classes because on was my favorite instructor and the other was an easier instructor, but the last class with my friend. I was also on duty and had to go on rounds that night. I figured it was fine, because I did a big cookie that night….and actually expected my weight to temporarily go down, but that is not what happened. For the next three days I piled on a significant amount of weight each day after maintaining. On Thursday, I had a nutritionist appt and explained this to her. She then expressed her concern that this could be fluid retention from muscle damage or organ failure. I called my doc and was told that (as much as she didn’t want me to) I needed to monitor my weight closely the next few days as they would inpatient. If this continued, I needed to come in on Mon.

This led to a complete freakout yest (and thus no blog post, sorry). I made a doc appt for Mon just in case things kept going this way. I stepped on the scale never wanting my weight to be down more (and this time for non-ED reasons…I just didn’t want my organs to be failing). Even without a number I was swearing off overtraining ever again…and when I opened my eyes…a large amount of weight had come off. Not everything had gained, but significant enough. Of course…ED said THIS was the flux and that I needed a few more days to prove I wasn’t retaining fluid and gaining uncontrollably (because I can’t “control” weight gain if it has nothing to do with food but with organ failure…that’s what ED said..and it sucked I was more worried about this than about the actual organ failure). This was fine for me…relying on a few more days, because nothing too scary planned.


But this non-ED related need to monitor my weight to determine if doc appt/hospital was what got me panicked about the cupcake. What if I ate the cupcake and then tom have wt spike…how would I know if due to medical or cupcake? But not doing cupcake…just seemed wrong, because I never get cravings for them and here one was….so what was I to do? Eat the cupcake, and risk an “inaccurate” weigh-in. Or stick with more controlled weigh-in, but deny cravings? Both decisions created panic. Not eating the cupcake just seemed wrong to my recovery. But eating it seemed wrong medically in this situation. So how did I end up deciding to do it? I chose the more peaceful panic.

When I thought about not eating the cupcake, the panic turned to paranoia. If I don’t eat it today when would I move it to? And what if I didn’t eat it but weight spiked because timing off? And if I didn’t eat it and weight didn’t spike ED probably just blame my activity and make me weigh again Sun to prove anything medical wise. It was a panic that wouldn’t  subside. And I was starting to realize…this whole “control” ED makes me think I have over weigh ins and my weight….its all a lie. A lie that keeps me panicking my way out of the life I want (more on that on later post).

Now what about the panic around choosing to eat the cupcake. This was more of an excited panic. A curious panic. I worried/wondered what would happen. What it would be like to spontaneously eat a cupcake. To be normal. And I did wonder what would happen with my weight. If I could see that I don’t balloon from a tiny cupcake and freedom. Or if I did, that I would see it didn’t really matter, because freedom is worth it.

So I went with the curious panic. When the load less traveled. With what I desired. And I am hoping…that makes all the difference.

P.S.—As I mentioned above, there is more to this that I will post tomorrow, but it is getting long…so making it a two-parter. 

P.S.S--It WAS AMAZING and soooo worth it!

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