Well…spin led me to another recovery decision today. Gonna keep this post short, but had to share. Today I made a very hard decision. One that’s normal for most people, but for those with eating disorders is the epitomy of a hard choice….and is the very essence of recovery. Today I chose to put my family before exercise. To put experiencing life before ED. Today I did what for so long I have been unable to do.
You see, my stepdad and I have been planning to go ziplinning with a Groupon he got that expires this month, but the only day we can is Friday. He knows how much I love my Fri night spin so he even scheduled it for a time when I could get back in time for spin. I was very excited, but also got anxious about this. No…not about the ziplining..but about spin. My mind started racing about whether we would make it back. What if there was traffic. What if it ran over? Then I couldn’t make it back for spin and I knew that would throw me for a loop. But then…I stopped.
This thought process of fitting my life and family around my workouts is one of the biggest regrets I have about my final years with my dad. There were so many times I went bowling with him, or on some other outing with him, and I was so concerned about when I would workout that I wasn’t present in the moment. There were so many mornings I could have spent with him, but instead spent in my room working out. These are moments I wish I could get back. Precious memories I wish I could have had. But I can’t get them back. All I can do is honor my father, by learning from those choices and choosing life now. Claiming my moments with family now. Experiencing life with the loved ones I still have.
So I thought about it and realized the problem wasn’t ziplinning, or traffic, or timing…the problem was spin. Doing spin on Fri night was bringing me anxiety. It would rob me of living in the moment with my stepdad and making memories with him. My mind would be so focused on getting to spin, I wouldn’t be able to focus on my time with him. I lost time with my dad to ED…I won’t let ED rob me of my time with my bonus dad. I refuse. I won’t dishonor my dad by letting ED claim my time now.
So then I was left with what to do instead. And I knew I could go spin tomorrow. I knew the instructor for the morning class, but I have been working early shifts and spun tonight and honestly just didn’t want to get up for it. The alternative was spinning tomorrow night, but I didn’t know the instructor. How was I to know if she was “intense enough”….whatever that means. But I really, really wanted to sleep in.
So I made another recovery decision. I decided to do the spin class that fit into my life best. I wanted to sleep and I wanted to be rested for Friday and focused on the day come Friday..this meant there was only one option. The scariest option, but the only true, peaceful recovery decision. I would spin with the new instructor tomorrow night.
And you know what. The more I think about it the more I realize “normal” people (or in better terms how I hope my recovered self will be) wouldn’t have had to agonize over such a decision. In fact, would be excited. They would think: “Well I can’t spin Friday. What other classes are there. Well, work is Sat and sun so have to go tomorrow. I am pretty tired so don’t want to go to the morning one. Hey..look..there is a new instructor I haven’t tried tomorrow night. This will be one of few times I can spin on a Thursday night and a new instructor be a nice change. I will go tomorrow night.”
It would be that simple. So…I’m gonna make it that simple. I am going to choose to ignore ED who is screaming and making me question my decision and I am going to go and experience my freedom and recovery choices. I am going to enjoy the adventure of a new spin class..and enjoy the adventure of ziplining on Friday J