Saturday, May 3, 2014

No Such Thing as a "Perfect" Weigh-in (Post about illusion of control)

So this whole cupcake debacle made me start to think about one of the holds ED still has on my mind. This idea of the “perfect” weigh-in. Weight becomes this crucial measure of my recovery and if I am doing too much, too little, whatever. And this has led ED to get me to weigh daily. I am working to move away from this, but even when I do that, ED puts more pressure on me to ensure each weigh-in is “perfect” or in his words “accurate.”

What does this mean? This means timing that is not too late with eating. This means making sure I don’t have too much sodium. It means making sure I don’t drink too much late at night. It means making sure I poop the right amount (sad but true). It means making sure I weigh-in at just the right time. It is all about this idea of control. That my weigh-in will only reflect reality if every little aspect that could affect it outside of food/exercise is controlled. But you know what (after 15 years) I finally realize. This isn’t possible.

WAIT! What?! Yep…that’s right…you can’t control your weight. Sure…overall it has to do with the food you eat compared to the amount you need….but still….we aren’t machines. Our bodies aren’t perfect little computers that can be tweaked and manipulated precisely. They are bodies. Bodies that fluctuate, change…and can’t be controlled.

Yes…this is terrifying. But it’s freeing too. It’s terrifying, because it means this one thing I thought I had control over in life….I don’t. But it’s also freeing, because if I can’t control it….if that is just an illusion…it can’t control me.

I don’t have to worry about my weigh-ins being “perfect” because they never will be. I can try and control every aspect of my day, but in the end…my body is a body and I can’t possibly control every single factor for every single day to be the same. I can’t control the temperature outside. The amount of breaths I take. The amount of cells my body decides to make that day. I just can’t. My body is a body. That functions in a beautiful, amazing, unique way each and every day to meet my needs. It’s not a machine to be manipulated, weighed, and controlled to spit out some number. It’s just a body…an innocent, beautiful, fluctuating body.

In fact, I am seeing the only way for weigh-ins to be accurate is for me to focus on recovery and living and my meal plan. To stick to the guidelines my N gives and not let ED creep in. To challenge myself as I desire (like the cupcake today) or as N lays out. Because “accuracy” is “the condition or quality of being true.” Well the only way  a weigh-in can reflect truth is by truly living and recovering. By letting life happen and not controlling things. Because that is reality, that is truth.

Life happens, and sometimes that means you eat later or earlier. Life happens, and sometimes you poo a little less. Life happens, and sometimes you have more sodium, get thirsty later, eat something scarier than planned. But that is just life. And that is reality, that is truth.

So I don’t need to control weigh-ins. I don’t need to try and manipulate and control every single aspect of pre weigh-in days so it’s accurate, because in doing this, I just make it a lie. I just need to live life, and let weigh-ins happen. Go with the flow and fluctuation of life and my body. I am beginning to see that not having control….it’s scary yes, but it is also so dang freeing. Because if I don’t have to control, if I trust and give all the control to God, things can’t control me.

Because in the end, we can’t control life, our bodies, our emotions, anything. All we can control is our actions and how we react to things. I realized I couldn’t control life with my dad’s sudden death. That was the hardest lesson to learn. But it’s paved the way for me now to see I can’t and don’t need to control my bodies or weigh-ins thanks to the sudden craving for a cupcake. Yes….a lot less intense than losing your dad, but its still an important lesson to learn.

I feel so free writing this, and hope I will look back on this when my temptations to control come flooding back. For right now I will rest in this freedom. In realizing I don’t have to, need to, and I the end can’t control my body and my weigh-ins. And realizing that in this lack of control is freedom, joy, and happiness. It is this idea that we can’t control life, our bodies, our weights..that makes life worth living. Because then life isn’t about controlling every aspect, but about enjoying every aspect….eagerly awaiting the next suprise that will come across our path.

These surprises won’t always be good…they won’t always seem like blessings, but as I am learning, God can bring blessings out of even the worst of life’s beatings. His Son was literally beaten to bless us all. God brought blessings from those beatings, He can surely bring it from the little ways life beats us around.  

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