Thursday, May 22, 2014

Not the post thought would be (TRIGGER WARNING)

I just have to get this frustration out of my mind. I know its gonna piss people off but, frankly, I don’t care. It’s how I feel and that shouldn’t be judged. And there are numbers so DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERED BY WEIGHT!

I am frustrated by this recent weigh gain. I keep getting in this place where I think I am losing weight, so I push myself a little, telling myself its not significant enough to cause weight gain and then gain happens. I am frustrated because I just don’t understand food, don’t understand my body. All I know is what has been my life the past 15 years. Judging food and my body by my weight and keeping that weight either dropping or in a very narrow range in the 89s.

It is hard for me right now to not lower my intake and lose weight and then start challenging myself at a lower weight….farther away from the 90 lbs I so dread and am at again. Yes..I know logically this is a low weight for someone my height, but when I look in the mirror, after being 85/86 for so long…all I see is puffiness.
And that frustrates me to. Take the weigh-in this morning. I already felt my tummy poofed out and when I weighed and was still 90 despite extra spin class last night, I felt even puffier. It frustrates me because I know had it been 89.2/.4 one I would be happy right now and two I wouldn’t feel as puffy. But now, at 90 and confused as to how I started gaining when was maintaining in lower 89s…. I just see puffiness everywhere and I am starting to see myself wanting to play it safe. Going to pseudo-recovery and stopping pushing myself.

I just want to know why? Why the puffiness in the stomach now. Why the weight gain when all I did was stop tearing things and leaving things behind (this was like 2 or 3 peas…so not a big deal). People made it seem I was going to lose weight since starting my new job and I have only gained. I just don’t get it and now I am even more terrified about my decisions around spin class. I just don’t know what is causing this because I didn’t do anything differently.

I want to hold out till Sat…but I just..I can’t deal with this puffiness anymore. I just want it off of me. I just want to go back to being tiny and at 85/86…but I don’t want to trade the moments of joy and peace I have now for the misery back there. That’s why I have agreed to 89s..and idk..right now I guess 90 makes me feel like a failure. I just..I don’t know anymore.

And then another thing. Today is my 90 days of recovery. But is that really a lie? Because I have had a few days in there I restricted…am I lying to the world? I know times I have held myself to perfect recovery my lapses have only been worse because once I slipped…I would just restart my counter and say screw it…lose back to a new low…and then start again. This new take on recovery where slips aren’t lapse and thus are part of recovery…it allows me to slip but then get right back up. But idk. Am I lying. Is this 90 days a lie. That’s how I feel right now. Like I am failing at recovery and yet not lapsing. That I don’t deserve the applauds for 90 days. And then I hate myself because I don’t know why I am now 90 lbs. Feel like that fat kid again being told she can’t eat.

Sorry to make this my post on my 90 days of recovery…but it’s my reality. 

1 comment:

  1. Jess, I have been keeping up with your blog for a long time, and can relate to so much of it- I am the same height as you and dropped down to a similar weight. The thing is, your body right now is STARVING. I actually fined weight on a weight-loss plan because my body was crying out for fuel. You know that your body needs to be at a much higher weight than 90 pounds. I knew it too, so I got help. As much as i dreaded being inpatient, I chose to go to residential because I couldn't do iron my own. I should have been dead. And honestly, and I hate to sound blunt, but that is what will happen to you if you continue on like this. This is not recovery, and you know it! Recovery would mean giving up this control and allowing people to help you. Any doctor in their right mind would have you in a hospital right now, and your dietician should ethically have made a contract with you stating she will stop working with you inf you are at the weight or under that you are now. I am not trying to attack you, and I know how hard you have worked, but please seek more help. You deserve recovery, and this- this surviving instead of thriving- is not it. Sending prayers and love your way <3