Have to keep this short, but wanted to share something I discovered today. Today was a rough and stressful day. I lost a key at work which is a huge deal (later found it…woohoo). Had a resident who couldn’t check-out so now I have to check her out at 8 am tomorrow. I felt sick. Then got stressed out over coordinating and planning for graduation Friday. This led me to be hit with grief over my day and missing the excitement he would have brought. How he would have made a day of it. And then…to top it all off…found out the huge senior event I have been looking forward to all week…was tonight, not tomorrow as I thought. And I found this out AFTER it was over.
All of this brought huge emotions for me. And when I got that last piece of bad news I decided I wasn’t going to eat. That was my honest, first solution. Just don’t eat. But then I stopped…and I realized that wouldn’t solve anything. Yes….all of this killed my appetite and I think that is normal for anyone. Stress and grief causing loss of appetite, but that doesn’t mean the solution was to not eat.
Not eating wouldn’t make the event happen. Yes…I was angry that I got the date wrong. Yes…it was my fault (though there wasn’t much advertisement), but not eating wouldn’t fix it. It would just throw away my 75 days of recovery and stress me out more.
Not eating wouldn’t bring my dad back. Yes…it would express that I was hurt and sad and angry. But it wouldn’t bring him back and it wouldn’t honor him. Honoring him would be through eating.
Not eating wouldn’t make the stress and planning go away. It might make me not feel for a little bit. Or not focus on what I was feeling. But soon the emotions would be back.
Not eating was not the solution. It seemed like it, but it wasn’t. And missing the event wasn’t the end all, be all. Honestly, it was gonna be stressful trying to get to it tomorrow anyway. And I was just gonna pop in…so it wasn’t even that big of a deal. It SEEMS like it right now, but a few years..heck maybe in a few weeks or a few days I won’t look back on this time and be thinking…yes it was a great graduation, but I sure wish I went to the Alumni event.
So…I did the right thing. I sat down and ate. Right after the bad news…I did my scariest snack. No…it didn’t make anything better, but restricting probably would have made everything worse. It didn’t make me feel better to eat. But it was something I needed to do, so I did it. And I am proud. Because I took the time to think things out and did the right thing. I didn’t let ED use the events of life to get me back in his grasps. I ate because I knew I needed to. And I let myself feel the disappointment knowing there was nothing I could do to bring my dad back, the event back, or to solve the graduation issues right now.
And you know what. I am happy for those who are going to my graduation. Who are making a day of it. I am greatful for the friend who is doing photos for me tomorrow and the additional time we can now take. I am greatful for the extra time to get packing done. And had I known event was tonight, I still couldn’t have gone. I am trusting God has a plan, and His plan for me didn’t involve this event. There must be something better for me for tomorrow J