GOD!!! TRUST!!! LOVE!!! SO SO GOOD!

Have you ever been so filled with the Lord’s love you just wanted to shout it from the rooftops…that is me today. But no one is picking up the phone, so I am writing it out and shouting it from the Blogspot rooftop…a rooftop that reaches nations. Hope you all are listening…this is from the Lord!

Well he revealed one thing before bible study and a whole bunch in bible study…so this may be long,but please read it. I will break it up into two “topics.” I must say His love is overwhelming in the second part so feel free to jump there J

Trusting God (from life today haha)=long one

So this morning I woke up and before my feet even hit the ground my mind was swirling about fears of my weigh-in that isn’t even until tomorrow. So I did something my lovely mentor pushed me to do…I turned it over to God. I honestly just told God: “Hey…so I still have to pack for Denver, get through today which includes trying on dresses and eating and all that fun stuff…so I really don’t have time to worry about this weigh-in. So I am just gonna hand it over to you. I just..honestly I don’t have time to stress about this right now.” It wasn’t easy, I was still scared...but I needed so room in my mind for my to-dos. 

Of course…the to-do list was a lot of stuff I couldn’t get done till tonight…so I found myself with hours to kill and now no worries filling my head. So like any good OCD/anorexic person who gets bored I decided it was the perfect time to clean and re-organize my cabinets. Yep…I enjoy doing this. I love organizing and cleaning…and let’s be honest…my parents don’t mind that either. So I re-organized all the Tupperware, cleaned the microwave and kitchen, made more list organized perfectly into the different bags I would pack for Denver and grouped by category (ie clothes, fun, necessities, meds,etc). And after all of that I had only killed an hour. All my other cabinets, closets, nooks and crannies were organized because I guess I’ve been bored a lot recently…so then my mind drifted to wanting to do yoga.

That’s right…WANTing to do yoga. Not WANTing to burn calories through yoga…just wanting to feel the movement of my body. How do I know I WANTed it…because I knew if I asked my nutritionist about it she would probably make me add exchanges and I was okay with that. If I am okay with eating more…well…then I really want to do something. So I sent my nutritionist an e-mail and waited…now waiting for an okay to exercise…well it makes for one inpatient Jessica. So after re-organzing another cabinet, re-organizing my list, and re-packing my backpack for the trip to kill time I just couldn’t wait anymore. So I text my N. I didn’t want to bother her…but geez I needed an answer. And she told me I could!

My heart leaped and I ventured to my Jillian Michael’s DVD. Now what I love is this…now my mind didn’t want to do this because it was afraid somehow yoga would make me retain water or something. So back my mind went to freaking out about the weigh-in. So I cried out to the Lord: “Hey God…I am really, really, really bored and so I really, really, really want to do yoga. I am trusting you with this weigh-in and I want to do this, so please just take this worry.” With that plead to God I ventured closer to Jillian…then my phone went off with another text from my N. I was only allowed to do 90-year old crippled woman yoga (my N words exactly). Well….let’s just say Jillian’s Yoga Meltdown…well not many 20 year olds can survive it let alone a 90-year old. Luckily I did have 90-year old crippled yoga DVD hidden away and covered in dust (we now see that my yoga obsession was more cal-burning then 90-year old yoga relaxation). Its called Yogalosophy and it’s nice and calming. I knew if I did Jillian my N wouldn’t know…but God would…and I knew it would mean I didn’t trust Him. So I did my 90-year old grandma yoga.

It was interesting. I mean I felt it was pointless of course because at the end I could actually breathe and wasn’t drenched in sweat. In fact it was such a calming yoga that I actually got to talk to God during it. Instead of barely being able to cry out to God (not in a loving way either) in between gasping breaths during Jillian Michaels Yoga..I actually got to have conversation with God. I felt peaceful at the end….calm even…and soon after I felt angry because my mind wasn’t spinning and I didn’t feel my body so sore it could barely move. Yeah..I need progress in the exercise region. So I text my N and told her I didn’t need to add any exchanges because it was the most pointless yoga ever. Her response “I think you do. And you are.” So again my brain went to the weigh-in and now yoga wasn’t going to make me gain, but this extra veggie/fruit serving was. But I knew I needed to trust God..I knew I couldn’t blatantly tell God that a carrot had more power over my weight than Him…so I agreed and moved on with my day.

I was feeling good…feeling peaceful…feeling like I was trusting God. Things were going good…wasn’t feeling too overwhelmed and was planning rest of meals and snacks for day. I could do Quest Bar…and microwave popcorn…screw the fear of sodium…I was trusting God. Of course…when you are feeling a lie…God will shine His nice bright light in your face to show you the Truth…He did just that.

I was trying to figure out what to do for dinner and had NO IDEA (this is why my N has me planning out like half weeks at a time). I figure my mom would have an idea when she came home…and in my heart I hoped it wasn’t Jimmy John’s like she usually does on Saturdays. Well…my mom came home and first words out of her mouth: “So I was thinking Jimmy John’s for girls night tonight.” For serious! It’s a girl’s night…why invite Jimmy or John to a girl’s night let alone both. But I also knew my N had said I had to do JJ whenever my family chose to do it next. In my mind I justified why not to do it: I’m gonna have it in Denver, I didn’t “want” it (but heck I didn’t want anything), I could challenge myself with something else. But when I was honest I didn’t want to do it because I had a weigh-in the next day.

So I had a bright idea…I would text my N and tell her what was going on. She knew how important the weigh-in tom was to me. No way she would make me eat a high-sodium sandwich with a weigh in the next day. I was so confident then. I was feeling good again. Still feeling I was trusting God (I hope you are seeing that was furthest thing from truth). Then phone went off and had text from N: “You will be doing Jimmy John’s. No excuses.” WHAT! Was this lady crazy! Hello! Weigh-in…sodium….my fear….you know that the sodium would make the weigh-in be crazy high the next day putting me in horrid mindset for Denver.

So next bright idea…text my support. Surely one of them would be on my side and say it was okay to not do JJ. Not only were they not on my side but one sent exactly what I needed laid out: “Choose ED or choose to listen to your N…that’s your choice.” This was perfect set-up for God to come on in. In a loving way he said: “Yeah Jess. Trust N or Trust ED. Trust me or Trust ED. Believe my Truth or believe you fear food lies. Choose to believe I can control your weight or believe your control will work this time.” Ouch! Sometimes love hurts. But it hurts in a good way. I LOVE Jillian Michaels DVDs…but trust me they hurt.

And this hurt me to…because I realized I had been telling God with all of my food fears through the years that He couldn’t control my weight. That God was somehow weaker than sodium, fat, calories…or whatever my fear decided to be that day. And now if I chose to not do JJ it would be saying the same thing. You see..I hadn’t been trusting God. Not completely. I was still trying to control my day and make it “perfect” day for “perfect” weigh-in. So I was saying I was trusting in God…letting Him take control…yet I was still sitting in the driver seat. And trust me…God is a big, mighty God…there’s no room for Him in your lap…He needs you to get out of the driver’s seat.

And now…well now I couldn’t not do JJ. I mean…geez I would be choosing sodium over God. Telling God I trusted my own lies over Him and His truth. He also showed me my “control” had gotten me right where I was. Miserable and stuck with fear of tons of different nutritents. Want to know how you get so many fear foods. You try and convince yourself you can control your weight. But you can’t! Why…you aren’t God and nothing you can do can control your weight. We aren’t supposed to be in control…God is. So maybe controlling sodium for a bit works…then one day weight fluctuates…nope new rule. Okay maybe if I control sodium and fat…works a while….then fluctuate. Nope…okay…fat, sodium, and exercise…and so on and so on until you have so many rules and still your weight fluctuates.

Why? Because our bodies aren’t ours. They are on loan from God. (1 Cor 6:19-20). Not only that they are the temple and dwelling place of God (1 Cor 3:16-17). And yet I wanted to trust myself to control my body. This is GOD’s TEMPLE and DWELLING PLACE! Did I really think God was gonna make me fat? Make me gain weight uncontrollably? Why would God of the universe…the God we can’t even look upon His face because of His beauty make His temple shake with instability, make the place He dwells ugly and cluttered. He wouldn’t. I mean there is specifications that are so exact in 1 Kings when Solomon built a temple. God takes such great care in the temple and making sure it is exactly as it should be..if I let Him take back control of this temple He will build it up with the same exact measure….and it will be full of His beauty and exactly as it should be.

 My body is His home and temple…it is His…which means He should be in control. I won’t drive another person’s car because I hate trying to figure out how it operates. And my body is God’s…yet my whole life I have tried to drive it. Tried to take the place of God….no wonder I feel my so out of place when I try and control my body…it’s not mine.

So all that said..I decided to really trust God. Just in some simple actions today…doing my addition, doing the exercise I wanted but within limits of my N (who basically is helping God rebuild the temple with a meal plan that is the blue print), and eating Jimmy John’s. I know…it seems silly…that a simple sandwich is an act of obedience and thus trust in God…but it is. In some weird way…I am finding Jesus in Jimmy John’s. But seriously...I've never felt so excited to eat something...because now it has a new purpose...it's showing God and myself...that I trust Him not ED. 

His Unfailing Love (from Beth Moore study)

I am in week 8 of the Beth Moore bible study Breaking Free and today was about the riches of God’s unfailing love and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Nice, lovely, soft bricks…but still. I just feel so loved and filled and for once, like I can trust God. This day’s study was filled with verses that so spoke to me. They talked about trusting in God’s love and how that can overcome enemies, is stronger than our heart, and how God leads us out of this unfailing love.

I have always struggled with feeling unloveable because for  a long time in my life my parents weren’t in the place they could love me. They were sick and hurting and just emotionally didn’t love themselves enough to show love to me or my brother. They are both healing now and so is our relationship, but a child who feels unloved sadly becomes an adult who feels unloved and that’s where I am at now.But now I see I have a Father who is perfectly capable of love because He is love. Not only that His love is unfailing. Nothing I say, do, think, face, feel…NOTHING can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38-39 if you don’t believe me).

And God’s love isn’t just the fluffy, cuddly love we all think about. I mean it is that and brings the ultimate comfort (Ps 119:76), but it is also a love of might and strength. Strength to crush our enemies, strength to overcome the negative emotions of our hearts (Ps 143:12, 1 John 3:19-20). God’s power is in His love and His love is fully for us. He does not war against us, but He wars for us. How can I not trust a God whose UNFAILING love can conquer all. This is a love I cannot lose no matter what I do, and it’s a love that defeats all, so if I trust in God and in His love, then nothing can hold me back. Things will still come against me, but I know God will come against them in the strength of His love for me and they will be crushed.

And I also fear trusting God because I am scared where He will take me…or well..I was. But Jer 29:11 tells me His plans are good. And Exodus 15:13 says He leads us in His unfailing love. This love I cannot lose is a light to my feet so I can walk on His path and His path ends in His arms, His light, in a life of joy and righteousness beyond my wildest belief and all I have to do is trust in His love…in Him…in my Father. All I have to do is run into His forever lasting embrace.

Does this not get you stoked? Does not a permanent smile come across your face? Your God loves you. He loves me. He loves all His children and there is NOTHING we can do to lose that love. We may choose to not believe it and thus step away from it, but all we have to do is believe again and claim the might, warmth, comfort, and peace of His love and it will fill us again. Because we don’t lose the love. We just choose to step away from it.

 It’s just like if we leave a light on in our bedroom. Even if I got to the bathroom and can’t see the light on in my room…it’s still on. Even if I drive to work and am nowhere near my room…that light is still on. I am not experiencing the light but it is still there. Even if I fly to Denver, heck even if I fly to Australia…even if I take a rocket to the moon…no matter how far from the light on in my room I get it is still on. I am choosing to not experience the light, but it’s still there. It’s the same with God’s love. No matter how far we run, how many wrongs we think we have committed…how deep in sin or addiction we get…God’s love is there. It’s always there. We may choose to not experience it, but it’s there. 

I don’t know about you but I am so ready to experience His full love. To trust Him completely and not just step into His love…but leap into it. To run to my Daddy, eyes filled with tears in knowing His love, feet running as fast as they can, leap into His arms and feel His embrace. Feel Him looking down into my eyes, into my heart, into the depths of my soul and hear Him whisper: “I have missed you My child. Welcome home. I did, have, and always will love you My daughter. You are my Precious One. Welcome back to My arms.”

Accepting, not forcing, reality

So sorry to leave you all hanging....lets just say getting back on track can take a lot of time. So instead of a pointless WIAW I am doing a WIAAW: Where I Am At Wednesday.

So I have been on my meal plan since Sunday so this would be fourth day on it and I also haven’t weighed since Monday. But tomorrow (Thursday) is my nutritionist session so I have weigh-in and I am freaking out. I guess my mind is still in that diet world and the weigh-in is kind of like reality hitting. I so desperately want my weight to be the same if not lower than was on Monday because I have been ravenous (more on that in a bit) and....as hard as it is for me to admit...I want to eat more. 

I  haven’t been exercising, been getting full portions, and been doing tons of fear foods and not calorie/sodium/fat balancing (basically I used to make sure paired low and high number meals/items so balance out but did meal planning for week with family and didn’t have time to think about that). With all of that my brain says I must be ballooning. But so desperately I want to believe I can eat all this that still seems so much…and actually need more like my nutritionist is saying. I want to trust food, my body, and my nutritionist…and how easy would that be if my weight somehow doesn’t go up on this plan. Also, because I have been ravenous…if weight not up I can eat more (well I could eat more regardless I guess…but it would be a heck of a lot easier). Well…all of these thoughts and my desires to have this freedom if scale is down made today a hard day.

You see…I wanted to force “reality” instead of accept reality. I was exhausted at work because didn’t get much sleep, but still I wanted to make myself go on family walk tonight (these are approved and don’t count as exercise as long as within guidelines). My mind had me convinced it was because I wanted to spend time with my family…that was proven wrong as soon as fate (aka God) stepped in and had the mom I nanny for get held up at work and come home 1.5 hours late…thus making it too dark for a walk. My mind went off like fireworks on the 4^th of July. I literally almost had a panic attack because I started thinking about how now it wouldn’t be possible for my weight to not be up tomorrow. But how disordered is that? How against the reality I want is that? If I were to go on walk and scale down tomorrow that is what scale would blame and there would be no freedom. If I want to trust food and my nutritionist I need to actually do the thing that scares me and trust. Not manipulate my actions to get the results I want…but trust that I can achieve the freedom I want by trusting my nutritionist and God. God just keeps reminding me living based off scale or making decisions off weight is living by sight and doesn't require faith or trust. 

This brings me to another reality I have had to face: hunger. When I tell people it scares me to be hungry I usually get the same reaction: “I thought you were anorexic.” (seriously…I want to slap some people). Yes I am a recovering anorexic…that doesn’t mean I like hunger. In fact, when I am restricting I don’t feel hunger…I just don’t feel anything. When I started eating this new plan it was like my hunger erupted. I mean it’s good and its even what I prayed for because I thought I wanted it…but then it came. The hunger has come and I realize it scares me to no end. And it’s the weirdest thing. When I get hungry I want to avoid food and push back meal times. You see, I am so scared that I will have eaten through my meal plan and still be hungry. This will mean that my body has a need that I have to meet. And that’s hard for me. To me hunger means need and need means you are vulnerable…and that scares me. Also, being hungry on this plan goes against the whole belief I had that I would never need this much food…that I could never eat this much. Well…my body is saying I may even need more…and that just rocks me to my core. It means I have been wrong and again..it means there is a need and vulnerability in me that I can’t get rid of unless I trust my body and my nutritionist and God and eat even past my meal plan. Of course…ED has sort of been winning this battle lately because the hunger has screwed with my meal times.

And meal times brings me to another reality I have faced…I am still clinging tight to being disordered. Sure I am doing meal plan…but you see..my meal plan now comes with agreements and right now these are those agreements.

1.       B-fast no later than 10 AM

2.       Eat every 2.5 hours

3.       Meals only take 30 minutes to eat

4.       Food scale only used for meat

5.       Follow meal plan

6.       No diet foods

7.       Weigh self only on appt days

Well I do numbers 5 through 7. The meal timing is what really screws me up. I have an app on my phone that reminds me when to eat and even then I don’t eat at the right times. I noticed even that I purposely slept till 10:30 am just so I wouldn’t eat b-fast at the right time. I took some time to try and figure out what was stopping me from doing the meal timing. I mean I am a perfectionist and a people pleaser. This is just like an assignment from a teacher…and those I ensure are done without any flaws. But with this assignment from my nutritionist I purposely ensure it goes awry....I set myself up to fail. Why?

Well the reality aint so pretty. I think part of me still wants to be disordered and I figure screwing with meal timing is a way for me to rebel against this plan and still stay one foot in my disorder without me actually feeling I am hurting myself. But when I think about it now I am. Because all this does is keep me rebelling against my nutritionist. It keeps me from really trusting…and it keeps me with one arm around ED. It scares me to do the meal timing because it means taking a step away from ED and I guess I am still scared to do that. My disorder has always been there and I guess it’s become my identity and a security blanket. It may seem silly, but actually doing the meal timing (which let’s be honest if I can do a huge meal plan and eat the foods despite the fear timing is a piece of…well not a piece of cake…but you get what I mean)….well it would be handing over that blanket and my identity and stepping into complete fear and trust. Yes…I want that…but heck yes I am terrified of it.

So that’s where I am for right now….for this different kind of WIAW. It’s more a WIAAW…Where I Am AT Wednesday. I’m doing a meal plan and semi-trusting my nutritionist, but still I will admit I am struggling with handing it all over. I am struggling with not trying to force my will to be done, but trusting God’s will and whatever reality He has in store with me. I jumped feet first into the meal plan…yet now that I am in the deep end I am still clinging to ED with one hand, and trust with the other. I am (now I see) purposely not doing all of my agreement because I want to rebel for some reason against the nutritionist who is trying to save me. So I am a mess…I am imperfect…but hey…recovery is a messy road. Thanks everyone for being there…and thanks for reading this blog so that I will write. Because now that I have written this out I see tomorrow is going to be a scary day…but it’s also a perfect day to completely trust…completely give in…and get this timing on track. 

So who thinks Where I AM At Wednesday should stay?

Help!

So everyone I lapsed really bad. I told myself it was temporary and once I reached a certain weight I would stop. But I am miserable and tired and feel like shit. So in desperation I've overexercised like crazy and now I'm .2 lbs from the start wt and I am pissed and desperate to start but brain is so twisted it says this is God withholding permission. But what if it could be victory. A tiny victory over ED by starting now. Opinions?

UPDATE: Will give more information tomorrow as have a lot of stuff (okay eating) to do tonight. But basically....a miracle happened and I ended up deciding to start the new plan today. It's been really good and I am struggling a bit with same feelings of failure for not reaching my "goal" but I am seeing that truly was victory. Have had a lot of insights actually....but again, I will put that up tomorrow or maybe Tuesday :) 

WIAW: Quest Bar Review

So for this WIAW I am doing a review of a bar I used to love till ED stepped in and made me scared of. But I said screw ED and decided to face this food and I have fallen in love. Not only are they delicious, but they are full of protein, fiber, and have very small (and easily understandable) ingredient list. The fats (which really aren't high at all despite what ED told me) are completely natural and good for you. They came from either nuts and/or nut butter. What is this awesomeness??? Quest Bars!!

Honestly, these are great for anyone, but especially ED patients, because of the protein and fiber (at least in my opinion). They are definitely a chewy bar not crunchy at all, but I love that :) And it's like magic if you heat them for 15 seconds they get doughy like a cookie....a bar with options...I like it. My nutritionist is thrilled I am eating these and not only that, but when I shared my story and blog with the company they sent me a free sampler pack to try. A great company and great bars...what could be better. So obviously I haven't had all the flavors yet, but here are reviews for ones tried (and loved) so far.

Apple Pie: FREAKING amazing. Heated up 15 seconds even better. Smells and taste just like apple pie. Even apple chunks in it. And it just taste so light and doesn’t have bloating I thought it would because of the fiber. It was amazing and so good I didn’t even think of the fear of it. Let's put it this way. This was the bar I bought that led me to go out next day and buy more to try and also to reach out to the company. And I am definitely not someone who willingly buys something for myself. 

Final decision: Get this bar! And the best way to eat it is heated :) 

Strawberry cheesecake: loved this because tasted nothing like cheesecake. I hate cheesecake and anything really cream cheesy like that. This was more like a nice, fresh strawberry cake…strawberry shortcake esk. Again great heated up. It's not that heavy, dense flavor of cheesecake, but is nice light and airy. It's perfect for these summer days and my current strawberry obsession, because there are strawberry chunks in it too :) 

Final decision: NO DUH! Get this one! It's a tie between heated and not. 

Lemon Cream Pie: This wasn’t bad…but it wasn’t as amazing as other too. The lemon flavor a little too light for a lemon fiend like me. It was stronger lemon once heated up…but more like lemon cookie than strong lemon in lemon meringue or lemon yogurt. It’s a flavor I would eat if in front of me, but not go out and seek.

Final decision: not for me. It's not horrible and if it's sent as a sample I would eat it, but probably won't be buying this one. If you do have it I would suggest heating it. 

Banana Nut Muffin: I LOVE Banana flavored anything…and when I opened this bar I was pumped because was overwhelmed with banana smell. Well…that’s about where the banana ended. The flavor was definitely of a muffin…but I lacked the banana flavor I am used to. It was more just like a spice muffin…which isn’t bad. So it’s kind of like Lemon Pie…I won’t seek it out as a flavor to eat, but if it is there I will eat it. I heated up the Banana Muffin for 30 seconds and it actually does taste like banana muffin then..but it gets a weird consistency. 

Final: probably won't go buy this one myself unless really overwhelming craving for banana. But if someone gave it to me I would definitely eat it, but only after a nuking session in the microwave for 30 seconds (most Quest Bars only heat for 15 seconds). 

Chocolate PB: THIS IS AMAZING! I don't think any flavor is going to beat it. Got over the fear and had it and it is DELICIOUS! This is like a freaking candy bar. It smells like amazing peanut butter and the taste is amazing too.  It’s not overly PB (you know how things can get overly PB and get salty tasting...no salty here just amazingness) or overly chocolate…it’s kind of like a snickers bar. Taste good heated and room temp….neither is better because both ROCK! Oh and there are little peanut chunks in it too. 

Final: what are you doing still on this page? Go order these bars now. Heat up some, eat some at room temp, heck I don't think anything could make these ones taste bad!

So far here is my summary and ranking of the bars. 

1. Chocolate PB! The scariest one for me too, but it was awesome.

2. Strawberry Cheesecake: just love that it taste so light and fresh

3. Apple Pie (honestly this fluctuates between 2nd and 3rd depending on day): it's delicious and so tempted to have with scoop fro yo or some vanilla yogurt

4. Banana nut muffin: have to so overheat it just to get banana flavor. It's not disgusting by any means...just not the first thing I would reach for. 

5. Lemon Cream Pie: So far this is the only one I really don't want to try again. I mean it wasn't horrible...it just wasn't what I expected. 

Be on the lookout for my review of more of these bars next week. Oh, and I had a rough nutritionist session today, so be on the lookout for blog posts on that one :) Love you all :) And I love Jenn for hosting. 

If one life-saving realization is good...two is better

First off let me just thank you all for the amazing love and support I have received after my last post. You all sure know how to make a gal feel like she is not alone. How to make her feel loved and supported. It brings tears to my eyes. And now I have a victory to share!

Today without even asking the Lord gave me two big realizations. These are game changers...recovery savers...and I feel beyond blessed that He provided me with them. Even now in my slip...God is letting His light shine and guiding me out of this lapse. 

Just Do It

The first realization I had is in getting out of this slip I am going back to trying to plan it all out and set up guidelines, trying to find certain rules to set up so I will do recovery right. I keep asking people how to eat fear foods, how to eat based off want and not calories, how to get right portions. Then…it hit me like a ton of bricks…that’s a crazy question. You see…nothing is stopping me from eating based off exchanges instead of letting calories dictate my food choices…nothing except me. I am the only one forcing myself to eat “safe” versus what I want to eat. So the answer to the question: just do it.

Nothing is going to make it less scary. No rules are going to make it any easier. I just have to accept the fear, accept thoughts I might have about what my choice will mean (and possibly accept that those are lies from ED), and then do the right thing anyway. I just have to do it. There is no magic formula, no perfect coping tool, no rules/regulations to guide me. I just have to do it…if I want to eat normally I just have to do it. For once in my life, I have to do what I want…not what I think I am “supposed” to do. I need to eat what I want, get the right portions for exchanges, and stick my middle finger up at ED and calories.

With this though I tried to think what is stopping me. Why I could do this in treatment (though even there I did some calorie choosing) and of course my mind said in treatment people made me do it. But honestly….that’s not true. At the end of it all..I was the one in front of my plate, I was the one who ate even when I was scared or didn’t want to….I did that. Nobody forced me..I just decided that something else mattered more than my ED lies (perhaps this something more was my fear of feeding tube, but still). So I know this power is in me and even more so now because I am a Christian and have the strength of God to power me through.

So as much as I have always hated people who have told me to “just eat”….that kind of is what this comes down to. I just need to eat and do the plan. Now it’s not as simple as that and there are a lot of emotions and trust issues around this…but when I am in front of my plate or fixing my plate..It comes down to just doing it. Just trusting the plan, praying to God, and pushing through the fear. Not easy...but doable. 

Accepting Responsibility

Now this realization for me is mind-blowing, earth-shattering, and probably life-saving. You see I realized my greatest struggle with weight gain or maintaining a restored weight outpatient is having to feel responsible for the weight gain. Since my ED developed when I was so young and was developing my values system…I literally have a core value that says that I can’t gain weight. That is the epitome of a horrible thing to do. So having to accept that I am eating enough to gain weight…it just makes me feel so wrong. When I am in treatment I always tell myself “they” are making me gain weight and that I will just lose it when I leave. So I avoid accepting any responsibility.

Once I realized this my 1^st thought was I need to learn to change my value and see weight gain as good, but God gently guided me otherwise. Not that it is impossible that I will ever want to gain weight or see it as a good thing to do…but God was showing me if that was going to happen..it probably already would. I have been told by plenty of people I need to gain weight, so if I was going to accept that..I probably would have already. Instead he told me to shift my focus.

God guided me to look at what gaining weight will allow

• Able to date (don’t feel I can till I can love and accept myself)
• Able to go to spin class and run
•  Enjoying senior year (with less wt to gain at school have more free mind space)
•  Being ready to be on my own in Denver
•   Being able to live in Denver and not be the underweight/anorexic girl
• Being able to reach more people with ED in recovery because will have been through the weight gain process
•   Preparing myself for work as ED therapist (I mean I think gaining this weight and recovering is even more important than getting my degree)
•  Deeper trust and relationship with God because only by His strength will I be able to do this

Those are things I want to feel responsible for. I want to be in my spin class or crossing 5K finish line and know that moment marks such a victory. Know that in the end, it was me who gained the weight to get there. I earned that moment. Same thing when I am in Denver getting my MSW, or working every day as an ED therapist…I will know the struggle and strength that it took to get there. I will know that I had to gain weight to do that despite all the fear…and that I am responsible for that.

I can so easily close my eyes and go to my 1^st spin class in recovery. My mind goes to the end of the class…when I am sitting there, smile plastered across my face, because I will know the hard work that went into me gaining the weight to get to that moment. And then my mind drifts to Denver…when I am getting my MSW degree and I remember and appreciate through this process of gaining weight so I could get there..  Knowing that I am responsible for these things. That nobody made me do it. That I put my faith in God and just did it. That it was just me…only me that can claim responsibility for all these victories. It just..it makes me so happy. It’s victories I can hold onto that nobody can take away. Nobody can say I didn’t gain the weight and make the hard decisions to get me there. It something that I can finally be proud of myself for.

So instead of trying to force myself to see weight gain as good and accept responsibility for weight gain. God showed me I should look at all the things that will come from gaining weight and realize that weight gain means I am getting closer to these things and accept responsibility for those victories. But those victories aren’t possible without weight gain…so it just has to happen. Nobody can gain this weight for me..in the end, it will just be me and God’s strength and peace that overcome the fear of weight gain and bring about these victories.

I know I keep making it sound like it’s only me doing this, but it most definitely will be God that gets me through this process. That makes me even more excited. Because it means each of these victories I can be proud of myself in and then turn it over to God and give Him glory. These victories will hold victory in the spiritual realm to. And I hope and pray me conquering this process will allow me to guide people to God and His love and strength. So this weight gain process end in God glorified and me having something to be proud of that nobody can take away (unlike a GPA or unlike detrimental pride like my ED and low wt)...I don’t mind being held responsible for that J

Struggling

Hey anyone who actually reads my blog. I am really struggling right now with ED and part of me wants to share about it so others who relate can see they are not alone...but I wonder if that would really actually help anyone. But I wanted you all to know I am still around and I know I had said originally when I made this blog that I would share the ups and downs. But I opened up to just a few people about my recent slip and have gotten so much grief and attacks from it...that I just wonder if it is even worth sharing.

Summed up though here it is: I have gained weight and am uncomfortable with it because I turned to old behaviors and new rules to try and control the gain and it didn't work. So here I am feeling more disordered and gaining weight and hating every moment of it. I finally opened up to my nutritionist about it and told her I just feel I need to lose this weight I gained and start over and do this the "right way." I have written her the things I really want to do in recovery, the way I wanted recovery to look from the beginning with challenges and cutting back on ED behaviors. But I don't think I can do that from here..I feel I need to lose this weight I gained and start from where it all began. I know it's silly, probably irrational, and I probably should open up about it but my brain is just saying...no one would care. So that's where I am.

Message me or comment below because I would love to hear if anyone is out there and wants me to open up more. Or if anyone has been through this. Love you all...and I will be back soon I hope...just need to screw my head on straight.

Sick Enough?

So today ED threw yet another trap at me. He got me obsessed with taking a "break" from recovery to lose weight down to x lbs. My brain told me I was so close...and I will never know if I could get there if I don't try now. And if I don't reach x lbs I will always wonder if I can and be driven so much by this that I will end up relapsing. And right now...I am realizing I don't want to relapse again.

I honestly gave it (way too much) thought. It seemed reasonable. Getting to x is a definite end point....it's not like I would be relapsing. WRONG!

See I talked this through with my reasonable mind, God, and my N. I realized once I got to x lbs...well it wouldn't be low enough. My mind would say...well maybe we can get to 5 less lbs. This is something I have always done to myself. I've always wanted to push myself to the limit. See how far (in this case how low) I can go. But here is the thing...it won't be low enough or sick enough till I find the limit...and that limit will be death. Really...my fear of dying is what is keeping me from doing this "challenge." Because if I try and do this and die...I mean..that's just not something I want. When I am in front of God looking Him in the eyes will I really want to say..."Lord I am sorry I killed myself to get to a lower weight, but I just wanted to see if I could do it. "

Then there is this fact I realized. It's kind of dumb to go through all the hard work and pain to lose to x lbs. Having to lie, count and cut calories, do all of that and be miserable..just to get to x lbs and gain all that weight back. Here is the reality. Any more weight I lose, I have to gain back. Because ED only ends with either death or recovery...and I don't want to die...so my only option is recovery and that means weight gain. I know many people get a pride over the ED and it makes sense...they are a lot of work. But heck..I would like to put all the energy into...oh...I don't know...experiencing life.

So why not accept that I didn't get to x lbs because...who knows...maybe getting there would have killed me so God protected me. It was so hard just to get to where I was and maintain that wt...that should be "sick enough" because it's where I got and I want this ED to be over. Still, a part of me wonders if I could have gotten to x lbs...and so part of me feels I am writing a new story of my life, but never finished the other one. But I don't want to lose my life just to see if ED is right about my weight.

And here is another lovely ED thought. I started to think I won't be able to help others with my story unless I get sick enough. People won't care about my story because I didn't get low enough. But then I realized this (thank you Lord)....when I am working with ED patients..I'm not going to want to tell them how sick I got. And plus...I've never read a recovery story and been like...oh well they didn't get "sick enough"...the only things numbers in those stories have ever done is made me think...see she/he was sicker than me so I can't relate. So getting lower...well it would put more people in that position with my story...the position of them not feeling sick enough.

Plus...what if someone I am helping goes through a similar struggle. They are scared that if they don't hit right number they can't start to get better and they come to me for advice. Am I really going to want to look them in the face and say: "Yeah I felt the same way and so what I did was slip back into my ED for a little bit and lost to that weight and then I started recovery." Heck no! There will be much more power and God's glory shown if I can look at them and say: "I've felt the same...but let me tell you there will never be a sick enough. My sick enough was originally y lbs....I promised and prayed to God if he let me get back to that number, I would recover. And I did get there...on the very day I started with my new nutritionist. But you know what..as soon as I started gaining that wasn't sick enough. But instead of throwing away all the hard work I was doing and prolonging my misery to lose weight I would just have to gain anyway....I turned from ED and kept going for recovery.And let me tell you..here in recovery I thank God every day He stopped me from getting to x lbs. That He helped me say enough is enough when I was at y."

This is what God told me..."I will never win the fight to be sick enough. There will never be a weight that is low enough...because the enemy (ED) wants me dead...that's his low enough. What I need to fight for is that I get healthy enough that sick enough doesn't matter." I know....God has a way with words. See...I hope that when I am recovered I am so in love with life that it doesn't matter how low my weight got. It won't matter that I wasn't x lb...in fact I will rejoice that God kept me from getting that sick. I won't compare my numbers to others, because my weight won't matter. I will just be so happy to be alive and healthy that it won't matter.

So yes..I could see if I could get to x lbs. I could do that. I know how to do that. But I also RISK MY LIFE doing that. And there is no guarantee I would reach that number. OR I could stick with what I am doing...accept that there is no sick enough I can ever get to...that their are two possible ending to my ED story...the end when I decide to stop writing it and write a new story of recovery like I am doing now...or the end of me dying. No weight will be low enough ever..and I am not willing to risk my life to achieve a "goal" that will never be good enough.

But I am willing to release this obsession to God. To take a deep breath...accept that this is the end of my ED story...that where I got is going to be my lowest...that I got sick enough because I got sick and tired of ED..and that's all the  "sickness" I need. I am going to accept that the fight to be "sick enough" isn't one I can win, and to fight for something that is achievable...being healthy enough that sick enough doesn't matter.

I honestly don't think down the line I will regret not getting to x lbs, but I will regret it if I die trying to achieve x lbs. I will regret throwing out the hard work and panic attacks I have already gone through just to get to a lower number. I will regret turning from God to indulge in ED for a stupid number. I will accept that I wasn't "good enough" for ED..that I wasn't perfect at anorexia...and I will be happy about the fact that I didn't risk my life...that my recovery and life mattered too much for me to keep striving to be sick enough. That I achieved sick enough so many times in my recovery...and there was always sicker that became my new sick enough. That I am done with that story...that no number needs to be reached...that just let's the story end with ED victory...with ED having a last chance of control.

Nope...my ED story is ending with my victory, God's victory, God's power. It is ending (actually already ended), because God called me to end it...because I want it to end...and I don't need a number to tell me I am ready. Plus, geez...I begged and pleaded God would bring me back to y lbs so I could be "low enough" to start to recovery....He did that..He provided that comfort...and now I am going to look at Him and tell Him I need to be lower. NO! This is the end ED. Your story is over...not because I got "sick enough" but I had ENOUGH of you and got SICK of being your captive.

Lapse that was too close for comfort

June 2, 2013 God saved from relapse

So tonight I got overwhelmed by realization that I am recovering from once. I was so overwhelmed and I tried to open up to mom and Scott, but got shut down completely with being told I was letting Satan win. I just freaked out and was so full of fear I didn’t want to eat. Not only that, but realizing how bloated I have been and how little I have pooped today, I realized I can’t weigh tomorrow. Everything just kept piling on and on and I felt myself crumpling under the weight of it all.

As I watched my family eat dinner and knew I had only had b-fast and lunch…thus it was 8 pm and I still had dinner and three snacks left…I realized this was my chance and I could restrict. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to throw this all away. And that feeling of wanting to eat..wanting someone to tell me it was all okay…it sent me into a tailspin of almost throwing it all in.

I ran to my room and bawled my eyes out. I was overcome with fear and anger and confusion and so many emotions I couldn’t control myself. The only person I could think to call was my dad…somehow I knew he could make everything okay. But I called and called and he didn’t answer. I felt lost, confused, alone, scared. My mind was spinning…I just wanted someone to convince me to do the right thing despite everything seeming so wrong. Despite not being able to weigh tomorrow…I just wanted to know it was all going to be okay.

And…I hate to admit this..but in that moment of darkness..feeling so alone… suicidal thoughts leaped into my mind. I felt surrounded by darkness and all I could do was cry out “Father! God! Abba!” In desperation I opened my facebook account and this picture popped on the screen

Then I called my dad and he picked up. We had an amazing conversation, I cried my eyes out and then ended up laughing. He made me feel like everything was going to be okay as well. Honestly…the most amazing thing he did was make me feel like what I was feeling was okay. He listened to how I felt, but never chastised me about it. Instead he said it made sense. That meant a lot to me.

So here I sit..eating dinner..doing the next right thing…working towards losing a little bit of ED and discovering that new person..whoever it may be. Let me say..it was hard to decide to eat..but now that I have…I feel at peace. I thought what I felt before when I had decided to lapse was peace..but it was just the calm before the storm of panic. Now I feel true peace…it’s the rainbow after the storm of panic hit.

You know my dad said something else to. It’s like I am going through a rebirth process. My response…”Birthing pains hurt like hell.” And I’m right…they do. It hurts to give birth. But I think anyone who has seen or held a newborn…or seen the joy on a new mother’s face…I think they can tell you it’s worth it. 

Strange new fear

Trigger WARNING: I DO MENTION WEIGHT! DO NOT KEEP READING IF THAT IS A TRIGGER. OR AT LEAST SKIP THE FIRST PARAGRAPH!

Well after a day off from weight gain yesterday my weight shot back up today. Panic set in and I grabbed at my flesh in disgust. How could I be 91.2 lbs….Two weeks ago I was only 87.6. I liked the 80s..I was comfortable there…and there..I knew who I was. I was Jessica the anorexic who couldn’t and wouldn’t gain weight. This hit me big time today….and of course it hit me in Walmart…where I really didn’t want to cry…but started to.

I realized part of the reason behind my panic. Part of the reason I just feel so uncomfortable right now. I am gaining weight and I hate it. I feel the numbers are going up and up out of my control and yet…I’m not restricting. Every day I am doing my plan..not overexercising…not cutting corners and just praying and hoping weight will stop going up…but I’m not doing anything to stop it. This isn’t me…this isn’t who I’ve been.

In the past as soon as weight gain started I started restricting or cutting back meal plan. I would start lying so I could stay in anorexia. This is who I have always been. Even when I was overweight…as soon as scales went up I would go on another diet. So now I am lost. Here I am…numbers going up…numbers where I don’t want to be…and yet I am doing my meal plan. I’m not standing in the way of weight gain and that scares me. It makes me feel I am losing control….losing my identity.

I have always been the outpatient individual nobody wanted because I never listened and resisted the whole time. I have been that patient on the inpatient and residential setting. If there was a rule to break I would break it. A loophole and I would find it. Any way to cling on to my anorexia…count me in. But now…now I am not. And I don’t know why…or well..I didn’t.

But there in the water aisle of Walmart, my own waterworks started because the why hit me upside the face. Part of me wants to gain weight and wants to recover. The wanting to recover I totally accept…but the WANTing to gain weight…I can’t accept that. I am scared if I give in to gaining weight I will lose all self-control and end up obese again. So I feel I need to start to self-sabotage…and yet…when I think about it or am about to do it…I just…can’t.

I know part of it is I am scared of getting caught and scared to let down my parents and support and all that. But I’ve hurt them in the past…why is now any different. Because I want it this time. And that scares me. I feel I am losing this ED each time the scale goes up and I still eat. But this ED has been me for so long…so I feel like I am losing a piece of who I am…and right now I don’t know what to replace what I am losing with. So I still desperately want to lose weight so I can go back to knowing who I am…but I keep stopping myself from restricting.

There is a part of me that is scared restricting won’t work either so I am scared to try. But I am trying not to go down that rabbit hole…because it pulls me closer and closer to just testing it just once to see if it works. And I am so scared to get sucked back in again and have to crawl my way out. So right now I just feel lost. I feel confused. I am so torn between restricting and wanting to recover…and I’m scared because the wanting to recover is winning for once and I don’t know why?

Nothing in my life has changed…but somehow my heart has. Maybe it’s God? Maybe it’s proper nutrition? I don’t know…all I know is I am scared and feel I don’t know who I am anymore. Somehow I think restricting will help me find myself…so why do I not just throw in the towel and restrict. I can’t even bring my brain to restrict one snack…one measly serving. I feel my brain and body changing without me forcing it and it scares me to death because I feel out of control.

What about my plans? My calculations? The way I planned on recovering going. Why is it all seeming to take off? Where is the control I thought would be here? Here I am changing faster than I thought…and I’m scared because I don’t know who I am changing into. But I guess every caterpillar has to spend time changing in a cocoon…not sure what it will be when it breaks out…but when it emerges…it’s a beautiful butterfly.