So I have been on my meal plan since Sunday so this would be
fourth day on it and I also haven’t weighed since Monday. But tomorrow
(Thursday) is my nutritionist session so I have weigh-in and I am freaking out.
I guess my mind is still in that diet world and the weigh-in is kind of like
reality hitting. I so desperately want my weight to be the same if not lower
than was on Monday because I have been ravenous (more on that in a bit) and....as hard as it is for me to admit...I want to eat more.
I haven’t been
exercising, been getting full portions, and been doing tons of fear foods and
not calorie/sodium/fat balancing (basically I used to make sure paired low and
high number meals/items so balance out but did meal planning for week with
family and didn’t have time to think about that). With all of that my brain
says I must be ballooning. But so desperately I want to believe I can eat all
this that still seems so much…and actually need more like my nutritionist is
saying. I want to trust food, my body, and my nutritionist…and how easy would
that be if my weight somehow doesn’t go up on this plan. Also, because I have
been ravenous…if weight not up I can eat more (well I could eat more regardless
I guess…but it would be a heck of a lot easier). Well…all of these thoughts and
my desires to have this freedom if scale is down made today a hard day.
You see…I wanted to force “reality” instead of accept
reality. I was exhausted at work because didn’t get much sleep, but still I
wanted to make myself go on family walk tonight (these are approved and don’t
count as exercise as long as within guidelines). My mind had me convinced it
was because I wanted to spend time with my family…that was proven wrong as soon
as fate (aka God) stepped in and had the mom I nanny for get held up at work
and come home 1.5 hours late…thus making it too dark for a walk. My mind went
off like fireworks on the 4th of July. I literally almost had a
panic attack because I started thinking about how now it wouldn’t be possible
for my weight to not be up tomorrow. But how disordered is that? How against
the reality I want is that? If I were to go on walk and scale down tomorrow
that is what scale would blame and there would be no freedom. If I want to
trust food and my nutritionist I need to actually do the thing that scares me
and trust. Not manipulate my actions to get the results I want…but trust that I
can achieve the freedom I want by trusting my nutritionist and God. God just keeps reminding me living based off scale or making decisions off weight is living by sight and doesn't require faith or trust. 
This brings me to another reality I have had to face:
hunger. When I tell people it scares me to be hungry I usually get the same
reaction: “I thought you were anorexic.” (seriously…I want to slap some
people). Yes I am a recovering anorexic…that doesn’t mean I like hunger. In
fact, when I am restricting I don’t feel hunger…I just don’t feel anything.
When I started eating this new plan it was like my hunger erupted. I mean it’s
good and its even what I prayed for because I thought I wanted it…but then it
came. The hunger has come and I realize it scares me to no end. And it’s the
weirdest thing. When I get hungry I want to avoid food and push back meal
times. You see, I am so scared that I will have eaten through my meal plan and
still be hungry. This will mean that my body has a need that I have to meet.
And that’s hard for me. To me hunger means need and need means you are
vulnerable…and that scares me. Also, being hungry on this plan goes against the
whole belief I had that I would never need this much food…that I could never
eat this much. Well…my body is saying I may even need more…and that just rocks
me to my core. It means I have been wrong and again..it means there is a need
and vulnerability in me that I can’t get rid of unless I trust my body and my
nutritionist and God and eat even past my meal plan. Of course…ED has sort of
been winning this battle lately because the hunger has screwed with my meal
times.
And meal times brings me to another reality I have faced…I
am still clinging tight to being disordered. Sure I am doing meal plan…but you
see..my meal plan now comes with agreements and right now these are those
agreements.
1.
B-fast no later than 10 AM
2.
Eat every 2.5 hours
3.
Meals only take 30 minutes to eat
4.
Food scale only used for meat
5.
Follow meal plan
6.
No diet foods
7.
Weigh self only on appt days
Well I do numbers 5 through 7. The meal timing is what
really screws me up. I have an app on my phone that reminds me when to eat and
even then I don’t eat at the right times. I noticed even that I purposely slept
till 10:30 am just so I wouldn’t eat b-fast at the right time. I took some time
to try and figure out what was stopping me from doing the meal timing. I mean I
am a perfectionist and a people pleaser. This is just like an assignment from a
teacher…and those I ensure are done without any flaws. But with this assignment
from my nutritionist I purposely ensure it goes awry....I set myself up to fail. Why?
Well the reality aint so pretty. I think part of me still
wants to be disordered and I figure screwing with meal timing is a way for me
to rebel against this plan and still stay one foot in my disorder without me
actually feeling I am hurting myself. But when I think about it now I am.
Because all this does is keep me rebelling against my nutritionist. It keeps me
from really trusting…and it keeps me with one arm around ED. It scares me to do
the meal timing because it means taking a step away from ED and I guess I am
still scared to do that. My disorder has always been there and I guess it’s
become my identity and a security blanket. It may seem silly, but actually
doing the meal timing (which let’s be honest if I can do a huge meal plan and
eat the foods despite the fear timing is a piece of…well not a piece of cake…but
you get what I mean)….well it would be handing over that blanket and my
identity and stepping into complete fear and trust. Yes…I want that…but heck
yes I am terrified of it.
So that’s where I am for right now….for this different kind
of WIAW. It’s more a WIAAW…Where I Am AT Wednesday. I’m doing a meal plan and
semi-trusting my nutritionist, but still I will admit I am struggling with handing
it all over. I am struggling with not trying to force my will to be done, but
trusting God’s will and whatever reality He has in store with me. I jumped feet
first into the meal plan…yet now that I am in the deep end I am still clinging
to ED with one hand, and trust with the other. I am (now I see) purposely not
doing all of my agreement because I want to rebel for some reason against the
nutritionist who is trying to save me. So I am a mess…I am imperfect…but hey…recovery
is a messy road. Thanks everyone for being there…and thanks for reading this
blog so that I will write. Because now that I have written this out I see
tomorrow is going to be a scary day…but it’s also a perfect day to completely
trust…completely give in…and get this timing on track.
So who thinks Where I AM At Wednesday should stay?
So who thinks Where I AM At Wednesday should stay?
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