Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Accepting, not forcing, reality

So sorry to leave you all hanging....lets just say getting back on track can take a lot of time. So instead of a pointless WIAW I am doing a WIAAW: Where I Am At Wednesday.

So I have been on my meal plan since Sunday so this would be fourth day on it and I also haven’t weighed since Monday. But tomorrow (Thursday) is my nutritionist session so I have weigh-in and I am freaking out. I guess my mind is still in that diet world and the weigh-in is kind of like reality hitting. I so desperately want my weight to be the same if not lower than was on Monday because I have been ravenous (more on that in a bit) hard as it is for me to admit...I want to eat more. 

I  haven’t been exercising, been getting full portions, and been doing tons of fear foods and not calorie/sodium/fat balancing (basically I used to make sure paired low and high number meals/items so balance out but did meal planning for week with family and didn’t have time to think about that). With all of that my brain says I must be ballooning. But so desperately I want to believe I can eat all this that still seems so much…and actually need more like my nutritionist is saying. I want to trust food, my body, and my nutritionist…and how easy would that be if my weight somehow doesn’t go up on this plan. Also, because I have been ravenous…if weight not up I can eat more (well I could eat more regardless I guess…but it would be a heck of a lot easier). Well…all of these thoughts and my desires to have this freedom if scale is down made today a hard day.

You see…I wanted to force “reality” instead of accept reality. I was exhausted at work because didn’t get much sleep, but still I wanted to make myself go on family walk tonight (these are approved and don’t count as exercise as long as within guidelines). My mind had me convinced it was because I wanted to spend time with my family…that was proven wrong as soon as fate (aka God) stepped in and had the mom I nanny for get held up at work and come home 1.5 hours late…thus making it too dark for a walk. My mind went off like fireworks on the 4th of July. I literally almost had a panic attack because I started thinking about how now it wouldn’t be possible for my weight to not be up tomorrow. But how disordered is that? How against the reality I want is that? If I were to go on walk and scale down tomorrow that is what scale would blame and there would be no freedom. If I want to trust food and my nutritionist I need to actually do the thing that scares me and trust. Not manipulate my actions to get the results I want…but trust that I can achieve the freedom I want by trusting my nutritionist and God. God just keeps reminding me living based off scale or making decisions off weight is living by sight and doesn't require faith or trust. 

This brings me to another reality I have had to face: hunger. When I tell people it scares me to be hungry I usually get the same reaction: “I thought you were anorexic.” (seriously…I want to slap some people). Yes I am a recovering anorexic…that doesn’t mean I like hunger. In fact, when I am restricting I don’t feel hunger…I just don’t feel anything. When I started eating this new plan it was like my hunger erupted. I mean it’s good and its even what I prayed for because I thought I wanted it…but then it came. The hunger has come and I realize it scares me to no end. And it’s the weirdest thing. When I get hungry I want to avoid food and push back meal times. You see, I am so scared that I will have eaten through my meal plan and still be hungry. This will mean that my body has a need that I have to meet. And that’s hard for me. To me hunger means need and need means you are vulnerable…and that scares me. Also, being hungry on this plan goes against the whole belief I had that I would never need this much food…that I could never eat this much. Well…my body is saying I may even need more…and that just rocks me to my core. It means I have been wrong and means there is a need and vulnerability in me that I can’t get rid of unless I trust my body and my nutritionist and God and eat even past my meal plan. Of course…ED has sort of been winning this battle lately because the hunger has screwed with my meal times.

And meal times brings me to another reality I have faced…I am still clinging tight to being disordered. Sure I am doing meal plan…but you meal plan now comes with agreements and right now these are those agreements.
1.       B-fast no later than 10 AM
2.       Eat every 2.5 hours
3.       Meals only take 30 minutes to eat
4.       Food scale only used for meat
5.       Follow meal plan
6.       No diet foods
7.       Weigh self only on appt days

Well I do numbers 5 through 7. The meal timing is what really screws me up. I have an app on my phone that reminds me when to eat and even then I don’t eat at the right times. I noticed even that I purposely slept till 10:30 am just so I wouldn’t eat b-fast at the right time. I took some time to try and figure out what was stopping me from doing the meal timing. I mean I am a perfectionist and a people pleaser. This is just like an assignment from a teacher…and those I ensure are done without any flaws. But with this assignment from my nutritionist I purposely ensure it goes awry....I set myself up to fail. Why?

Well the reality aint so pretty. I think part of me still wants to be disordered and I figure screwing with meal timing is a way for me to rebel against this plan and still stay one foot in my disorder without me actually feeling I am hurting myself. But when I think about it now I am. Because all this does is keep me rebelling against my nutritionist. It keeps me from really trusting…and it keeps me with one arm around ED. It scares me to do the meal timing because it means taking a step away from ED and I guess I am still scared to do that. My disorder has always been there and I guess it’s become my identity and a security blanket. It may seem silly, but actually doing the meal timing (which let’s be honest if I can do a huge meal plan and eat the foods despite the fear timing is a piece of…well not a piece of cake…but you get what I mean)….well it would be handing over that blanket and my identity and stepping into complete fear and trust. Yes…I want that…but heck yes I am terrified of it.

So that’s where I am for right now….for this different kind of WIAW. It’s more a WIAAW…Where I Am AT Wednesday. I’m doing a meal plan and semi-trusting my nutritionist, but still I will admit I am struggling with handing it all over. I am struggling with not trying to force my will to be done, but trusting God’s will and whatever reality He has in store with me. I jumped feet first into the meal plan…yet now that I am in the deep end I am still clinging to ED with one hand, and trust with the other. I am (now I see) purposely not doing all of my agreement because I want to rebel for some reason against the nutritionist who is trying to save me. So I am a mess…I am imperfect…but hey…recovery is a messy road. Thanks everyone for being there…and thanks for reading this blog so that I will write. Because now that I have written this out I see tomorrow is going to be a scary day…but it’s also a perfect day to completely trust…completely give in…and get this timing on track. 

So who thinks Where I AM At Wednesday should stay?

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