Sunday, June 2, 2013

Strange new fear


Well after a day off from weight gain yesterday my weight shot back up today. Panic set in and I grabbed at my flesh in disgust. How could I be 91.2 lbs….Two weeks ago I was only 87.6. I liked the 80s..I was comfortable there…and there..I knew who I was. I was Jessica the anorexic who couldn’t and wouldn’t gain weight. This hit me big time today….and of course it hit me in Walmart…where I really didn’t want to cry…but started to.

I realized part of the reason behind my panic. Part of the reason I just feel so uncomfortable right now. I am gaining weight and I hate it. I feel the numbers are going up and up out of my control and yet…I’m not restricting. Every day I am doing my plan..not overexercising…not cutting corners and just praying and hoping weight will stop going up…but I’m not doing anything to stop it. This isn’t me…this isn’t who I’ve been.

In the past as soon as weight gain started I started restricting or cutting back meal plan. I would start lying so I could stay in anorexia. This is who I have always been. Even when I was overweight…as soon as scales went up I would go on another diet. So now I am lost. Here I am…numbers going up…numbers where I don’t want to be…and yet I am doing my meal plan. I’m not standing in the way of weight gain and that scares me. It makes me feel I am losing control….losing my identity.

I have always been the outpatient individual nobody wanted because I never listened and resisted the whole time. I have been that patient on the inpatient and residential setting. If there was a rule to break I would break it. A loophole and I would find it. Any way to cling on to my anorexia…count me in. But now…now I am not. And I don’t know why…or well..I didn’t.

But there in the water aisle of Walmart, my own waterworks started because the why hit me upside the face. Part of me wants to gain weight and wants to recover. The wanting to recover I totally accept…but the WANTing to gain weight…I can’t accept that. I am scared if I give in to gaining weight I will lose all self-control and end up obese again. So I feel I need to start to self-sabotage…and yet…when I think about it or am about to do it…I just…can’t.

I know part of it is I am scared of getting caught and scared to let down my parents and support and all that. But I’ve hurt them in the past…why is now any different. Because I want it this time. And that scares me. I feel I am losing this ED each time the scale goes up and I still eat. But this ED has been me for so long…so I feel like I am losing a piece of who I am…and right now I don’t know what to replace what I am losing with. So I still desperately want to lose weight so I can go back to knowing who I am…but I keep stopping myself from restricting.

There is a part of me that is scared restricting won’t work either so I am scared to try. But I am trying not to go down that rabbit hole…because it pulls me closer and closer to just testing it just once to see if it works. And I am so scared to get sucked back in again and have to crawl my way out. So right now I just feel lost. I feel confused. I am so torn between restricting and wanting to recover…and I’m scared because the wanting to recover is winning for once and I don’t know why?

Nothing in my life has changed…but somehow my heart has. Maybe it’s God? Maybe it’s proper nutrition? I don’t know…all I know is I am scared and feel I don’t know who I am anymore. Somehow I think restricting will help me find myself…so why do I not just throw in the towel and restrict. I can’t even bring my brain to restrict one snack…one measly serving. I feel my brain and body changing without me forcing it and it scares me to death because I feel out of control.

What about my plans? My calculations? The way I planned on recovering going. Why is it all seeming to take off? Where is the control I thought would be here? Here I am changing faster than I thought…and I’m scared because I don’t know who I am changing into. But I guess every caterpillar has to spend time changing in a cocoon…not sure what it will be when it breaks out…but when it emerges…it’s a beautiful butterfly.

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