Lapse that was too close for comfort

June 2, 2013 God saved from relapse

So tonight I got overwhelmed by realization that I am recovering from once. I was so overwhelmed and I tried to open up to mom and Scott, but got shut down completely with being told I was letting Satan win. I just freaked out and was so full of fear I didn’t want to eat. Not only that, but realizing how bloated I have been and how little I have pooped today, I realized I can’t weigh tomorrow. Everything just kept piling on and on and I felt myself crumpling under the weight of it all.

As I watched my family eat dinner and knew I had only had b-fast and lunch…thus it was 8 pm and I still had dinner and three snacks left…I realized this was my chance and I could restrict. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to throw this all away. And that feeling of wanting to eat..wanting someone to tell me it was all okay…it sent me into a tailspin of almost throwing it all in.

I ran to my room and bawled my eyes out. I was overcome with fear and anger and confusion and so many emotions I couldn’t control myself. The only person I could think to call was my dad…somehow I knew he could make everything okay. But I called and called and he didn’t answer. I felt lost, confused, alone, scared. My mind was spinning…I just wanted someone to convince me to do the right thing despite everything seeming so wrong. Despite not being able to weigh tomorrow…I just wanted to know it was all going to be okay.

And…I hate to admit this..but in that moment of darkness..feeling so alone… suicidal thoughts leaped into my mind. I felt surrounded by darkness and all I could do was cry out “Father! God! Abba!” In desperation I opened my facebook account and this picture popped on the screen

Then I called my dad and he picked up. We had an amazing conversation, I cried my eyes out and then ended up laughing. He made me feel like everything was going to be okay as well. Honestly…the most amazing thing he did was make me feel like what I was feeling was okay. He listened to how I felt, but never chastised me about it. Instead he said it made sense. That meant a lot to me.

So here I sit..eating dinner..doing the next right thing…working towards losing a little bit of ED and discovering that new person..whoever it may be. Let me say..it was hard to decide to eat..but now that I have…I feel at peace. I thought what I felt before when I had decided to lapse was peace..but it was just the calm before the storm of panic. Now I feel true peace…it’s the rainbow after the storm of panic hit.

You know my dad said something else to. It’s like I am going through a rebirth process. My response…”Birthing pains hurt like hell.” And I’m right…they do. It hurts to give birth. But I think anyone who has seen or held a newborn…or seen the joy on a new mother’s face…I think they can tell you it’s worth it.