So today ED threw yet another trap at me. He got me obsessed with taking a "break" from recovery to lose weight down to x lbs. My brain told me I was so close...and I will never know if I could get there if I don't try now. And if I don't reach x lbs I will always wonder if I can and be driven so much by this that I will end up relapsing. And right now...I am realizing I don't want to relapse again.
I honestly gave it (way too much) thought. It seemed reasonable. Getting to x is a definite end point....it's not like I would be relapsing. WRONG!
See I talked this through with my reasonable mind, God, and my N. I realized once I got to x lbs...well it wouldn't be low enough. My mind would say...well maybe we can get to 5 less lbs. This is something I have always done to myself. I've always wanted to push myself to the limit. See how far (in this case how low) I can go. But here is the thing...it won't be low enough or sick enough till I find the limit...and that limit will be death. Really...my fear of dying is what is keeping me from doing this "challenge." Because if I try and do this and die...I mean..that's just not something I want. When I am in front of God looking Him in the eyes will I really want to say..."Lord I am sorry I killed myself to get to a lower weight, but I just wanted to see if I could do it. "
Then there is this fact I realized. It's kind of dumb to go through all the hard work and pain to lose to x lbs. Having to lie, count and cut calories, do all of that and be miserable..just to get to x lbs and gain all that weight back. Here is the reality. Any more weight I lose, I have to gain back. Because ED only ends with either death or recovery...and I don't want to die...so my only option is recovery and that means weight gain. I know many people get a pride over the ED and it makes sense...they are a lot of work. But heck..I would like to put all the energy into...oh...I don't know...experiencing life.
And here is another lovely ED thought. I started to think I won't be able to help others with my story unless I get sick enough. People won't care about my story because I didn't get low enough. But then I realized this (thank you Lord)....when I am working with ED patients..I'm not going to want to tell them how sick I got. And plus...I've never read a recovery story and been like...oh well they didn't get "sick enough"...the only things numbers in those stories have ever done is made me think...see she/he was sicker than me so I can't relate. So getting lower...well it would put more people in that position with my story...the position of them not feeling sick enough.
Plus...what if someone I am helping goes through a similar struggle. They are scared that if they don't hit right number they can't start to get better and they come to me for advice. Am I really going to want to look them in the face and say: "Yeah I felt the same way and so what I did was slip back into my ED for a little bit and lost to that weight and then I started recovery." Heck no! There will be much more power and God's glory shown if I can look at them and say: "I've felt the same...but let me tell you there will never be a sick enough. My sick enough was originally y lbs....I promised and prayed to God if he let me get back to that number, I would recover. And I did get there...on the very day I started with my new nutritionist. But you know what..as soon as I started gaining that wasn't sick enough. But instead of throwing away all the hard work I was doing and prolonging my misery to lose weight I would just have to gain anyway....I turned from ED and kept going for recovery.And let me tell you..here in recovery I thank God every day He stopped me from getting to x lbs. That He helped me say enough is enough when I was at y."
This is what God told me..."I will never win the fight to be sick enough. There will never be a weight that is low enough...because the enemy (ED) wants me dead...that's his low enough. What I need to fight for is that I get healthy enough that sick enough doesn't matter." I know....God has a way with words. See...I hope that when I am recovered I am so in love with life that it doesn't matter how low my weight got. It won't matter that I wasn't x lb...in fact I will rejoice that God kept me from getting that sick. I won't compare my numbers to others, because my weight won't matter. I will just be so happy to be alive and healthy that it won't matter.
So yes..I could see if I could get to x lbs. I could do that. I know how to do that. But I also RISK MY LIFE doing that. And there is no guarantee I would reach that number. OR I could stick with what I am doing...accept that there is no sick enough I can ever get to...that their are two possible ending to my ED story...the end when I decide to stop writing it and write a new story of recovery like I am doing now...or the end of me dying. No weight will be low enough ever..and I am not willing to risk my life to achieve a "goal" that will never be good enough.
But I am willing to release this obsession to God. To take a deep breath...accept that this is the end of my ED story...that where I got is going to be my lowest...that I got sick enough because I got sick and tired of ED..and that's all the "sickness" I need. I am going to accept that the fight to be "sick enough" isn't one I can win, and to fight for something that is achievable...being healthy enough that sick enough doesn't matter.
I honestly don't think down the line I will regret not getting to x lbs, but I will regret it if I die trying to achieve x lbs. I will regret throwing out the hard work and panic attacks I have already gone through just to get to a lower number. I will regret turning from God to indulge in ED for a stupid number. I will accept that I wasn't "good enough" for ED..that I wasn't perfect at anorexia...and I will be happy about the fact that I didn't risk my life...that my recovery and life mattered too much for me to keep striving to be sick enough. That I achieved sick enough so many times in my recovery...and there was always sicker that became my new sick enough. That I am done with that story...that no number needs to be reached...that just let's the story end with ED victory...with ED having a last chance of control.
Nope...my ED story is ending with my victory, God's victory, God's power. It is ending (actually already ended), because God called me to end it...because I want it to end...and I don't need a number to tell me I am ready. Plus, geez...I begged and pleaded God would bring me back to y lbs so I could be "low enough" to start to recovery....He did that..He provided that comfort...and now I am going to look at Him and tell Him I need to be lower. NO! This is the end ED. Your story is over...not because I got "sick enough" but I had ENOUGH of you and got SICK of being your captive.