If one life-saving realization is good...two is better

First off let me just thank you all for the amazing love and support I have received after my last post. You all sure know how to make a gal feel like she is not alone. How to make her feel loved and supported. It brings tears to my eyes. And now I have a victory to share!

Today without even asking the Lord gave me two big realizations. These are game changers...recovery savers...and I feel beyond blessed that He provided me with them. Even now in my slip...God is letting His light shine and guiding me out of this lapse. 

Just Do It

The first realization I had is in getting out of this slip I am going back to trying to plan it all out and set up guidelines, trying to find certain rules to set up so I will do recovery right. I keep asking people how to eat fear foods, how to eat based off want and not calories, how to get right portions. Then…it hit me like a ton of bricks…that’s a crazy question. You see…nothing is stopping me from eating based off exchanges instead of letting calories dictate my food choices…nothing except me. I am the only one forcing myself to eat “safe” versus what I want to eat. So the answer to the question: just do it.

Nothing is going to make it less scary. No rules are going to make it any easier. I just have to accept the fear, accept thoughts I might have about what my choice will mean (and possibly accept that those are lies from ED), and then do the right thing anyway. I just have to do it. There is no magic formula, no perfect coping tool, no rules/regulations to guide me. I just have to do it…if I want to eat normally I just have to do it. For once in my life, I have to do what I want…not what I think I am “supposed” to do. I need to eat what I want, get the right portions for exchanges, and stick my middle finger up at ED and calories.

With this though I tried to think what is stopping me. Why I could do this in treatment (though even there I did some calorie choosing) and of course my mind said in treatment people made me do it. But honestly….that’s not true. At the end of it all..I was the one in front of my plate, I was the one who ate even when I was scared or didn’t want to….I did that. Nobody forced me..I just decided that something else mattered more than my ED lies (perhaps this something more was my fear of feeding tube, but still). So I know this power is in me and even more so now because I am a Christian and have the strength of God to power me through.

So as much as I have always hated people who have told me to “just eat”….that kind of is what this comes down to. I just need to eat and do the plan. Now it’s not as simple as that and there are a lot of emotions and trust issues around this…but when I am in front of my plate or fixing my plate..It comes down to just doing it. Just trusting the plan, praying to God, and pushing through the fear. Not easy...but doable. 

Accepting Responsibility

Now this realization for me is mind-blowing, earth-shattering, and probably life-saving. You see I realized my greatest struggle with weight gain or maintaining a restored weight outpatient is having to feel responsible for the weight gain. Since my ED developed when I was so young and was developing my values system…I literally have a core value that says that I can’t gain weight. That is the epitome of a horrible thing to do. So having to accept that I am eating enough to gain weight…it just makes me feel so wrong. When I am in treatment I always tell myself “they” are making me gain weight and that I will just lose it when I leave. So I avoid accepting any responsibility.

Once I realized this my 1^st thought was I need to learn to change my value and see weight gain as good, but God gently guided me otherwise. Not that it is impossible that I will ever want to gain weight or see it as a good thing to do…but God was showing me if that was going to happen..it probably already would. I have been told by plenty of people I need to gain weight, so if I was going to accept that..I probably would have already. Instead he told me to shift my focus.

God guided me to look at what gaining weight will allow

• Able to date (don’t feel I can till I can love and accept myself)
• Able to go to spin class and run
•  Enjoying senior year (with less wt to gain at school have more free mind space)
•  Being ready to be on my own in Denver
•   Being able to live in Denver and not be the underweight/anorexic girl
• Being able to reach more people with ED in recovery because will have been through the weight gain process
•   Preparing myself for work as ED therapist (I mean I think gaining this weight and recovering is even more important than getting my degree)
•  Deeper trust and relationship with God because only by His strength will I be able to do this

Those are things I want to feel responsible for. I want to be in my spin class or crossing 5K finish line and know that moment marks such a victory. Know that in the end, it was me who gained the weight to get there. I earned that moment. Same thing when I am in Denver getting my MSW, or working every day as an ED therapist…I will know the struggle and strength that it took to get there. I will know that I had to gain weight to do that despite all the fear…and that I am responsible for that.

I can so easily close my eyes and go to my 1^st spin class in recovery. My mind goes to the end of the class…when I am sitting there, smile plastered across my face, because I will know the hard work that went into me gaining the weight to get to that moment. And then my mind drifts to Denver…when I am getting my MSW degree and I remember and appreciate through this process of gaining weight so I could get there..  Knowing that I am responsible for these things. That nobody made me do it. That I put my faith in God and just did it. That it was just me…only me that can claim responsibility for all these victories. It just..it makes me so happy. It’s victories I can hold onto that nobody can take away. Nobody can say I didn’t gain the weight and make the hard decisions to get me there. It something that I can finally be proud of myself for.

So instead of trying to force myself to see weight gain as good and accept responsibility for weight gain. God showed me I should look at all the things that will come from gaining weight and realize that weight gain means I am getting closer to these things and accept responsibility for those victories. But those victories aren’t possible without weight gain…so it just has to happen. Nobody can gain this weight for me..in the end, it will just be me and God’s strength and peace that overcome the fear of weight gain and bring about these victories.

I know I keep making it sound like it’s only me doing this, but it most definitely will be God that gets me through this process. That makes me even more excited. Because it means each of these victories I can be proud of myself in and then turn it over to God and give Him glory. These victories will hold victory in the spiritual realm to. And I hope and pray me conquering this process will allow me to guide people to God and His love and strength. So this weight gain process end in God glorified and me having something to be proud of that nobody can take away (unlike a GPA or unlike detrimental pride like my ED and low wt)...I don’t mind being held responsible for that J