Hey anyone who actually reads my blog. I am really struggling right now with ED and part of me wants to share about it so others who relate can see they are not alone...but I wonder if that would really actually help anyone. But I wanted you all to know I am still around and I know I had said originally when I made this blog that I would share the ups and downs. But I opened up to just a few people about my recent slip and have gotten so much grief and attacks from it...that I just wonder if it is even worth sharing.
Summed up though here it is: I have gained weight and am uncomfortable with it because I turned to old behaviors and new rules to try and control the gain and it didn't work. So here I am feeling more disordered and gaining weight and hating every moment of it. I finally opened up to my nutritionist about it and told her I just feel I need to lose this weight I gained and start over and do this the "right way." I have written her the things I really want to do in recovery, the way I wanted recovery to look from the beginning with challenges and cutting back on ED behaviors. But I don't think I can do that from here..I feel I need to lose this weight I gained and start from where it all began. I know it's silly, probably irrational, and I probably should open up about it but my brain is just saying...no one would care. So that's where I am.
Message me or comment below because I would love to hear if anyone is out there and wants me to open up more. Or if anyone has been through this. Love you all...and I will be back soon I hope...just need to screw my head on straight.
Hey girly. My phone is broken, so if you have texted me, I haven't gotten it. :(
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I just wanted to say that sometimes people get so scared that they say things too quickly, so that might be the "grief and attacks" you've been receiving. Try to look beneath their words and see what they really mean. If you still think they mean to attack you, let them go. Your health and balance is more important than their friendship right now.
As far as weight gain discomfort, TRY to let go of the vision you have for your recovery. Take the gain one day at a time. If you try to plan out every detail, something is inevitably going to awry, and that will cause anxiety.
I love you, girl! Message me on facebook if you need to talk. :)
I don't have a blog but have been following you for quite awhile :) I always love to hear about everything related to your recovery journey. Please do open up if you feel it will help you! I will be reading :)
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Yes, Jess open it up. I read ALL of these!
ReplyDeleteHey :) I don't have a blog, but I follow you and check in from time to time. I just wanted to say that (from a further point in recovery down the road from you), it is TOTALLY normal to feel the need to lose again and "do it right." those are TOTAL ED LIES. The thoughts only come to pester you, keep you feeling unworthy, keep the cycle going rather than recover. Let me tell you... until you get a decent way down the road, you WILL feel the need to lose and "start over" but you have to remember... how hard has this bit of recovery been? Do you REALLY want to do all of this AGAIN? Gain the same pounds AGAIN? I mean, I am quite nearly weight restored, and after suffering a little lapse, I am completely overcome with the desire to drop back down and begin again, so that I could "deserve it and do it right." ummm... no? Recovery has no "right" way. That is ED being a jerk. Just continue recovering from where you are, but there is no need to lose weight. You can always continue to make changes in your recovery plan from right here. Dropping down again will only make things 4000 times harder. Anyway.. I'm praying for you and for strength, endurance, and clarity :) xo
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