Have you ever been so filled with the Lord’s love you just wanted to shout it from the rooftops…that is me today. But no one is picking up the phone, so I am writing it out and shouting it from the Blogspot rooftop…a rooftop that reaches nations. Hope you all are listening…this is from the Lord!
Well he revealed one thing before bible study and a whole bunch in bible study…so this may be long,but please read it. I will break it up into two “topics.” I must say His love is overwhelming in the second part so feel free to jump there J
Trusting God (from life today haha)=long one
So this morning I woke up and before my feet even hit the ground my mind was swirling about fears of my weigh-in that isn’t even until tomorrow. So I did something my lovely mentor pushed me to do…I turned it over to God. I honestly just told God: “Hey…so I still have to pack for Denver, get through today which includes trying on dresses and eating and all that fun stuff…so I really don’t have time to worry about this weigh-in. So I am just gonna hand it over to you. I just..honestly I don’t have time to stress about this right now.” It wasn’t easy, I was still scared...but I needed so room in my mind for my to-dos.
Of course…the to-do list was a lot of stuff I couldn’t get done till tonight…so I found myself with hours to kill and now no worries filling my head. So like any good OCD/anorexic person who gets bored I decided it was the perfect time to clean and re-organize my cabinets. Yep…I enjoy doing this. I love organizing and cleaning…and let’s be honest…my parents don’t mind that either. So I re-organized all the Tupperware, cleaned the microwave and kitchen, made more list organized perfectly into the different bags I would pack for Denver and grouped by category (ie clothes, fun, necessities, meds,etc). And after all of that I had only killed an hour. All my other cabinets, closets, nooks and crannies were organized because I guess I’ve been bored a lot recently…so then my mind drifted to wanting to do yoga.
That’s right…WANTing to do yoga. Not WANTing to burn calories through yoga…just wanting to feel the movement of my body. How do I know I WANTed it…because I knew if I asked my nutritionist about it she would probably make me add exchanges and I was okay with that. If I am okay with eating more…well…then I really want to do something. So I sent my nutritionist an e-mail and waited…now waiting for an okay to exercise…well it makes for one inpatient Jessica. So after re-organzing another cabinet, re-organizing my list, and re-packing my backpack for the trip to kill time I just couldn’t wait anymore. So I text my N. I didn’t want to bother her…but geez I needed an answer. And she told me I could!
It was interesting. I mean I felt it was pointless of course because at the end I could actually breathe and wasn’t drenched in sweat. In fact it was such a calming yoga that I actually got to talk to God during it. Instead of barely being able to cry out to God (not in a loving way either) in between gasping breaths during Jillian Michaels Yoga..I actually got to have conversation with God. I felt peaceful at the end….calm even…and soon after I felt angry because my mind wasn’t spinning and I didn’t feel my body so sore it could barely move. Yeah..I need progress in the exercise region. So I text my N and told her I didn’t need to add any exchanges because it was the most pointless yoga ever. Her response “I think you do. And you are.” So again my brain went to the weigh-in and now yoga wasn’t going to make me gain, but this extra veggie/fruit serving was. But I knew I needed to trust God..I knew I couldn’t blatantly tell God that a carrot had more power over my weight than Him…so I agreed and moved on with my day.
I was feeling good…feeling peaceful…feeling like I was trusting God. Things were going good…wasn’t feeling too overwhelmed and was planning rest of meals and snacks for day. I could do Quest Bar…and microwave popcorn…screw the fear of sodium…I was trusting God. Of course…when you are feeling a lie…God will shine His nice bright light in your face to show you the Truth…He did just that.
I was trying to figure out what to do for dinner and had NO IDEA (this is why my N has me planning out like half weeks at a time). I figure my mom would have an idea when she came home…and in my heart I hoped it wasn’t Jimmy John’s like she usually does on Saturdays. Well…my mom came home and first words out of her mouth: “So I was thinking Jimmy John’s for girls night tonight.” For serious! It’s a girl’s night…why invite Jimmy or John to a girl’s night let alone both. But I also knew my N had said I had to do JJ whenever my family chose to do it next. In my mind I justified why not to do it: I’m gonna have it in Denver, I didn’t “want” it (but heck I didn’t want anything), I could challenge myself with something else. But when I was honest I didn’t want to do it because I had a weigh-in the next day.
So I had a bright idea…I would text my N and tell her what was going on. She knew how important the weigh-in tom was to me. No way she would make me eat a high-sodium sandwich with a weigh in the next day. I was so confident then. I was feeling good again. Still feeling I was trusting God (I hope you are seeing that was furthest thing from truth). Then phone went off and had text from N: “You will be doing Jimmy John’s. No excuses.” WHAT! Was this lady crazy! Hello! Weigh-in…sodium….my fear….you know that the sodium would make the weigh-in be crazy high the next day putting me in horrid mindset for Denver.
So next bright idea…text my support. Surely one of them would be on my side and say it was okay to not do JJ. Not only were they not on my side but one sent exactly what I needed laid out: “Choose ED or choose to listen to your N…that’s your choice.” This was perfect set-up for God to come on in. In a loving way he said: “Yeah Jess. Trust N or Trust ED. Trust me or Trust ED. Believe my Truth or believe you fear food lies. Choose to believe I can control your weight or believe your control will work this time.” Ouch! Sometimes love hurts. But it hurts in a good way. I LOVE Jillian Michaels DVDs…but trust me they hurt.
And this hurt me to…because I realized I had been telling God with all of my food fears through the years that He couldn’t control my weight. That God was somehow weaker than sodium, fat, calories…or whatever my fear decided to be that day. And now if I chose to not do JJ it would be saying the same thing. You see..I hadn’t been trusting God. Not completely. I was still trying to control my day and make it “perfect” day for “perfect” weigh-in. So I was saying I was trusting in God…letting Him take control…yet I was still sitting in the driver seat. And trust me…God is a big, mighty God…there’s no room for Him in your lap…He needs you to get out of the driver’s seat.
And now…well now I couldn’t not do JJ. I mean…geez I would be choosing sodium over God. Telling God I trusted my own lies over Him and His truth. He also showed me my “control” had gotten me right where I was. Miserable and stuck with fear of tons of different nutritents. Want to know how you get so many fear foods. You try and convince yourself you can control your weight. But you can’t! Why…you aren’t God and nothing you can do can control your weight. We aren’t supposed to be in control…God is. So maybe controlling sodium for a bit works…then one day weight fluctuates…nope new rule. Okay maybe if I control sodium and fat…works a while….then fluctuate. Nope…okay…fat, sodium, and exercise…and so on and so on until you have so many rules and still your weight fluctuates.
My body is His home and temple…it is His…which means He should be in control. I won’t drive another person’s car because I hate trying to figure out how it operates. And my body is God’s…yet my whole life I have tried to drive it. Tried to take the place of God….no wonder I feel my so out of place when I try and control my body…it’s not mine.
His Unfailing Love (from Beth Moore study)
I am in week 8 of the Beth Moore bible study Breaking Free and today was about the riches of God’s unfailing love and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Nice, lovely, soft bricks…but still. I just feel so loved and filled and for once, like I can trust God. This day’s study was filled with verses that so spoke to me. They talked about trusting in God’s love and how that can overcome enemies, is stronger than our heart, and how God leads us out of this unfailing love.
I have always struggled with feeling unloveable because for a long time in my life my parents weren’t in the place they could love me. They were sick and hurting and just emotionally didn’t love themselves enough to show love to me or my brother. They are both healing now and so is our relationship, but a child who feels unloved sadly becomes an adult who feels unloved and that’s where I am at now.But now I see I have a Father who is perfectly capable of love because He is love. Not only that His love is unfailing. Nothing I say, do, think, face, feel…NOTHING can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38-39 if you don’t believe me).
And I also fear trusting God because I am scared where He will take me…or well..I was. But Jer 29:11 tells me His plans are good. And Exodus 15:13 says He leads us in His unfailing love. This love I cannot lose is a light to my feet so I can walk on His path and His path ends in His arms, His light, in a life of joy and righteousness beyond my wildest belief and all I have to do is trust in His love…in Him…in my Father. All I have to do is run into His forever lasting embrace.
Does this not get you stoked? Does not a permanent smile come across your face? Your God loves you. He loves me. He loves all His children and there is NOTHING we can do to lose that love. We may choose to not believe it and thus step away from it, but all we have to do is believe again and claim the might, warmth, comfort, and peace of His love and it will fill us again. Because we don’t lose the love. We just choose to step away from it.
It’s just like if we leave a light on in our bedroom. Even if I got to the bathroom and can’t see the light on in my room…it’s still on. Even if I drive to work and am nowhere near my room…that light is still on. I am not experiencing the light but it is still there. Even if I fly to Denver, heck even if I fly to Australia…even if I take a rocket to the moon…no matter how far from the light on in my room I get it is still on. I am choosing to not experience the light, but it’s still there. It’s the same with God’s love. No matter how far we run, how many wrongs we think we have committed…how deep in sin or addiction we get…God’s love is there. It’s always there. We may choose to not experience it, but it’s there.