May be triggering for some as I mention specific foods…not numbers though!
So this will be short because I have to get to a practice, but I just wanted to share. Tonight, I didn’t plan my fruit or veg for dinner..honestly because I didn’t know what I wanted. Well…my tummy let me know it was dinner time and so time came to choose. I was also in a rush as had taken longer to finish my project than I intended. So I didn’t have the time to sit there and debate with myself higher/lower cal options…and the options in my room were limited.
For fruit..I have to do a different fruit for each of my 5 exchanges (though I can double on scary ones). So my only options were melon, banana, or tangerine. Seeing as I am sick as a dog…an acidic orange on my throat didn’t sound appealing. Melon sounded safer…but honestly…I wanted this cute banana I had found in the dining hall. But this would mean my second banana of the day. In the rush I was in I didn’t care and just ate it.
Then came time for veg. I knew I wanted cherry tomatoes…but I just couldn’t let myself have them. So I sent text to my support. But they weren’t responding. Here I was…stuck. I needed to get started eating so I had to make decision. I realized I had text them just hoping they would say do tomatoes (as I knew they would)…but I could tell myself that. So I took of leap of faith and did….and you know what..
I AM SO HAPPY! Really. I have been in a down funk the past few days. Panicking, grumpy, tired. Yes…part of it is probably because I am sick….but I also threw myself back into the number games these past few days. I still did what I was supposed to..but the numbers were constantly swirling in my mind.
I thought I would get some relief today at my N appt…but she had to cancel for a family emergency. Then I thought spin would help, but it was really lame and I made decision not to workout extra after. I bet that helped this moment of freedom too. It kept me from being in the number game. I just wanted to be normal.
And so it’s weird…but today the lack of support (due to my friends having their own personal emergencies right now)..has almost helped. It has kept me out of the number game. I have just made decisions based on what I wanted or what I knew they would say was right (because I know in my heart it is). It’s hard to trust myself like this…but it feels AMAZING.
Of course….it was short-lived and ED is yelling at me and telling me all the ways I can compensate later. He is yelling about the numbers with me, but the deed is done…and I am going to try and focus on this joy. Because just those brief 30-seconds of a break from numbers. That moment when I was normal and chose what I WANTED…it felt amazing…I felt free. ED always tells me numbers will bring me peace, but again I am seeing the opposite is true.
And I know the numbers have come up because of the blog I wrote saying I wanted freedom from it. That’s how the enemy works. The one place you strive for victory, he will try and stop you. But tonight…actually all of today…God has won. In His strength, He has helped me overcome…and I know He can tonight too. Thank you Lord for your Strength, for this moment of freedom, and for all the moments to come. The Victory is Yours.