Friday, April 25, 2014

It's my recovery...uniquely mine

So just wanted to fill in everyone about my past two days. Basically..I got cornered and was faced with an intervention by my stepfamily and pastors. They were convinced I was relapsing. Why? Because of my appearance and my weight.

It is so frustrating. People tell me not to judge myself on my weight and to learn to accept my body. Then they judge me and my recovery off my appearance and body. The whole meeting was about how sickly and frail I look. And here I was starting to actually accept my body.

I was held hostage for almost three hours in the intervention till I agreed to go to the ER to get labs done. Luckily I go to eat before we left, because we were stuck at the ER for another 7 hours only for the labs to prove what I had been saying. I may be a low weight, but I am in recovery. I am eating, my body is healing, and everything is normal. Yes, I was hypoglycemic, but that’s what happens when you are surprised by an intervention and can’t eat.

Do I still have a lot of progress to make. Yes. But does that mean I am not in recover? No. It just sucks when you think people believe in you, but then they don’t. That they come and force you to prove yourself. I mean, I understand their fear, but it still hurts. Really hurts.

I am finally, truly experiencing recovery and people start questioning me. Does my recovery look typical? No. Yes, I am exercising before what would be considered appropriate, but my team supports it and I support it nutritionally. And for me it’s helpful.

Am I putting on a lb or two a week? No. But again my team is okay with that, because piling weight on me leads me to lose it, because I don’t have time to cope with it mentally. I’ve put on weight 2-4 lbs a week in treatment…and let’s see…how has that worked out for me? Not very well.

But this slow weight gain that allows me to cope with the higher number. It’s helped me. And it’s helped me trust food and my body and see why I need nourishment. To see I need a lot of food just to maintain let alone gain. To me that…the mental healing…is more important. Gaining weight just for the sake of gaining weight, but not healing your relationship with your body and food….that’s what I’ve done in  the past and all it leads to is relapse.

Yes….my recovery looks different, but it’s my recovery. Yes..I’ve slipped up, but that’s part of recovery. IT’s how I learn what works for me. Recovery isn’t one size fits all. I’m sorry I am not recovering how other people want me to, but that doesn’t mean I am not in recovery.

I guess I am just angry. Really angry. I am tired of having to prove myself to others, especially when it comes to my recovery, food, and weight. I am tired of people judging me by how I am not “normal” yet and by how far I have to go instead of how far I have come.

Luckily, this experience has made me see not everyone in my life judges me that way. My mom has supported me and my decision to recover outpatient no matter what. Because she has seen me through treatment after treatment in rehabs and realizes they don’t work. She realizes my life is more at risk through only temporarily recovering inpatient just to come out and relapse, then slowly recovering (weight –wise) outpatient.

It was nice to have my labs justify everything though. To show I am stable and healthy and not in the imminent danger some in my life assume. That I was right in how I was feeling in my body. That I am nourishing it enough and that this recovery is working for me and isn’t hurting me. IT also felt nice to have my mom justified. She has stood by my side even with people screaming because of my weight I should be in treatment and shouldn’t be running or cycling. But my mom has seen how this type of recovery is bringing me to the best place mentally and spiritually that she has ever seen me. And that that is what really matters. That she would rather me heal mentally and spiritually while gaining weight slower than inpatient, than quickly gaining weight only to get worse or not progress mentally/spiritually.

I am just so tired of having my recovery judged based solely on weight. I am tired of everyone expecting all eating disordered individuals to recover the same. I am tired of all the judgment and stereotyping of recovery. Recovery is an individual process and it’s about more than weight. That’s why I want to go into this field. To fight for a new view of recovery. One of trial, error, and individualization. Is slow weight gain appropriate for everyone? No. For some it makes them panic more or there are health issues in the way. Is exercise in recovery good for everyone? No. For some it is just purging their calories whereas for me it is learning what is “normal” and how to rest and the power of my body. This is my recovery. It’s not stereotypical of rapid weight gain and sedentary lifestyle. But I’ve tried that and it didn’t work. And this is. And I shouldn’t be judged for that.

Thanks to all who have been supporting me in my recovery. In the triumphs, setbacks…the whole process. The trials and errors, twists and turns. Who have helped me see what is working and what is ED. Who haven’t judged me and my recovery based solely on my weight. Thank you. And I am happy to report I have a clean bill of health and need not be admitted inpatient, residential, or to hospital.
Hope you all are well.

P.S.—In good news with all this progress when the doctor said I needed to eat something to get my blood sugar up while I waited…I got a snack I wanted to replace my typical one and did it with excitement and only slightly fearful. Had apple juice and jumbo rice krispy. Enjoyed it. NEVER would have been able to do that even a few weeks ago. Progress people. Progress. 

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