Sunday, April 13, 2014

Numbers, numbers everywhere (ramble edition)

Had the time and inspiration to write TWO posts tonight. This one is the ramble edition. Just free form journaling because needed to get my thoughts out. The other found here is a short, specific edition with a slight spin from this topic. Happy reading!

Was gonna make another video, but this lovely spring weather got the best of me and I basically have no I’m gonna ramble through words. The events two nights ago really scared me. The fact that I almost threw in my recovery over numbers. It annoyed me. Part of me is tired of being controlled by weight and even still calorie thoughts. I know I could not be obsessed by weight by not weighing. But I would still think about my weight. And calories...I don't seek those out as much anymore..I just know them. 

With calories it’s getting a thousand times better. I honestly feel myself starting to think in exchanges and its come through eating based on exchanges, doing the exchange box, having to do a different fruit for each of my 5 exchanges, and just pushing myself. I have done all this and I didn’t balloon. Heck..if I’m honest I’ve barely gained. But there are still those days or moments when the numbers creep in. When EDs lies become truth to me again and I don’t know how to stop it.

I am a logical person. I have physical proof I don’t need to be concerned with calories. That I don’t need to weigh food on food scale. And yet…those temptations and calorie thoughts are still there. There is still such a large part of me telling me I am somehow tragically unique. That for some reason my body has to be controlled. That I have to be controlled. That I can’t be free out of the “harm” that might cause (in ED’s world this harm being going back to obesity). But that’s not what these past 51 days (proudly smiles and pats self on back) of recovery have shown me.

No. They’ve shown me numbers only control me, I don’t control the numbers. That for some…looking at calories is fine, for me though…it’s obsession. They’ve shown me my body needs food. Even more than I think it needs. They’ve shown me I can look at food for what it provides category wise (ie fruit, fat, starch, dairy, veg, protein) and don’t have to figure out the calories. They’ve shown me I can truly eat like everyone else. That I am not tragically unique. That my body doesn’t need controlled. Calories don’t need to be counted. Food doesn’t need to be weighed. That I can just be free.

So how do I stop the thoughts. That’s what bugs me. I can’t just stop thinking what I think. Or feeling what I feel. I am liking seeing though that I can now have the feelings of fear and push through anyway. But I now fear this won’t last when I graduate. Right now my motivation to push through is so I can get all the freedom my N has to offer me. But come May 9th…that ends. So what then?

And then there is the scale. My biggest frenemy in life. I have begun taking breaks from the scale and on the days when I know I don’t have to weigh the next day I feel so free. Numbers don’t haunt me. The fears don’t come. And yet I don’t feel completely out of control because I know my weight will be checked again. I know in my heart I won’t balloon. That not weighing doesn’t actually change my weight. It just keeps me from having to focus on it.

I so want to be able to get down to only weighing 3 times a week or even just weekly come graduation…but it just doesn’t seem to be happening. But time after time I see daily weighing is a detriment to me. I have a flux like did two days ago, a flux I know can’t all be real weight, and ED finds his path to come back in and torture me. I don’t give in and restrict anymore, but allowing him to steal my joy and freedom is just as bad.
So I am here wondering why? Why do we let these numbers control us? Calories, fat, sodium, weight. Why? I mean I know when I was a binge eater I didn’t think about these numbers…and honestly I was happier. I know the reason I love going to treatment is because I escape these numbers and feel free. So why do I torture myself by bringing them back into my life?

I know the scale is my choice and is a number I could avoid by not weighing. Or only weighing with my team or on session days. But what about the calories, fat, sodium. Those are literally programmed in my mind. I am not slave to them as much any more (though there are days it does creep in and I make a calorie based decision). But why do they still consume my thoughts. I don’t seek them out…but when I see an apple the calories just jump in. When I go to get cereal I know which is higher. I have lived this way for so long, controlled and surrounded by numbers. Comforted by the illusion of control my mastery of them brought, that now I can’t escape. But I am doing all I know to do, feeling the fear and doing what is right anyway. Maybe for now that is all I can do and maybe the numbers will one day fade.

This is the misery of these disorders. If you keep putting off recovery as I have…it only gets harder to truly break free. Numbers become something you can’t not think about, despite your desperation. The disorder becomes such an ingrained custom that it takes such attention to ensure you don’t act in it. I mean…it’s been worth it. The freedom in mind I feel even just from knowing I can have these numbers in front of me, but not let them control me is great. Scary, but great.

So I will keep pushing on. I will rejoice in the moments the numbers aren’t there. Praise God for the freedom. And when they come back in…I will praise God too. I will praise Him because I know He will show His strength by letting me not be slave to them.

Yet I know I am not completely free. I still face the calorie fears, freedom foods, and EDs lies under the guise of numbers. I do it as a test. I tell myself I will give the new life a try and see If I balloon. I don’t know if that is smart, but it is working for me. Because I come to see I don’t balloon. But then if those day happens and the scale goes up too much. Even if its one day out of 50..I all the sudden question the 49 others. But right now…I don’t know what to do any different. I am just so glad God gave me the strength to get through that day. To not let it control me. To rest in the Truth.

Right now my “test” recovery where I look at the choices I make as just testing EDs theories. Meaning I don’t have to commit to them for the rest of my life if Ed turns out wrong. Just have to commit in the moment. It’s working for me. Because everything ED says is being proven a lie. I am continuing to build trust in my body and myself and food.  I just don’t know if it’s the “right” way to recovery. Heck what does that mean anyway ? (I feel another blog post coming on…maybe there is no right way to recover. Maybe the right way is whatever works for you…but I am getting long-winded).

This journey of recovery is a terrifying one. But I am starting to see…it’s worth it. The only way to see EDs lies are lies is to bring them to light by doing the opposite. Just letting yourself test his lies instead of believing them. I guess this is the truth to darkness not being able to exist where there is light. Well…it’s time to go face another one of EDs lies. One I secretly look forward to every week: dessert night!

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