Dear my Abba Father—
Thank you for renewing my peace…for bringing back my light. For being my Savior, my Reedeemer, my Father, my Friend. As you know, today didn’t go as I wanted. Or as I told myself you had planned. I received news today that I didn’t receive the fellowship at UTK. The fellowship everyone said I was sure to get. The fellowship people told me You planned for me to get. I rested in these proclamations…and was hit with devastation when it didn’t happen.
I was scared, hurt, confused. Did this mean my dream didn’t matter? Did it mean my dream was all a lie? That I am not meant to do veterinary social work. That I am not meant to help those in recovery? I felt like this was another thing I was taunted with that was then yanked away. Like with Denver. Like with my dad. It just seemed something else was snatched from me.
I wanted to restrict. It just seemed natural. It is how I cope with anger as you well know. I turn it inward. Instead I went to spin. I did do a little extra afterward, but I just wanted to get my anger out. I then realized it wasn’t working. I felt defeated, alone, like a failure, unloved. I felt I was out from Your hold. That I had done something. Hadn’t been good enough, worked hard enough, recovered enough and so you were punishing me.
This feeling persisted. Even as I angrily forced myself through snack. I was confused. Because I was still doing recovery but it didn’t seem to matter. That’s when the Spirit spoke to me. You made me realize I wanted recovery because I am actually starting to enjoy it. I am liking this freedom. I am liking not clinging to a food scale. I am liking the freedom of honoring my cravings. And I am LOVING seeing that ED has only ever lied to me and that I can do this and my body does deserve and need food. Even without UTK….this remains. This motivation for recovery remains…recovering for me.
Still..I felt let down. I realized how on fire I am for UTK. How much I desperately want it. And the hurt of realizing this not be the year. It got too much and I went back to wanting to take easier way out tonight. Still eating…but not pushing myself. Again..You came through as my Savior. My Strength.
In the shower of all places You spoke to me. As the song Jesus, only Jesus played I realized in the end…You are who matter. You are my Joy, my Life, my Song. In my heart, I know I am called to work with girls with ED through animals. And if I am called to it…it will happen. But if I am meant to make real change in this field…the enemy is going to try and stop it. And here I am fighting ED..so he is pissed I haven’t given in to recovery. And here he was again trying to get in the way of recovery. By telling me this was another shut door and that You didn’t care about me. But as I heard the lyrics, as I broke down in the shower letting the water wipe away my tears, I felt Your arms around me. I heard you whisper:
“My daughter. I love you…more than you know. I love you and designed you for your calling. This may seem like a shut door, but it is only because I have something so much more amazing for you. Watch what I will do. Trust and watch. I know trust is hard for you. I know you are scared. But I am here. I am holding you in My Everlasting Arms. Cling to Me my daughter. You are loved.”
I felt these words in my heart. I realized there is still potential for UTK. I could get a second-hand fellowship if someone drops out. I could also get awarded an assistantship through the school of social work, and that is renewable unlike this fellowship. I feel again like You are holding me. I know You have this. I know it will all work out. I don’t know how, I am scared to trust…but I have to.
And I see the doors aren't shut. No..it didn't go how I planned or how I had convinced myself You had planned...but that doesn't mean its the end and there aren't other possibilities. I need to start trusting Your plan...to trust You..and stop trying to figure out or tell myself what You have planned. Just need to trust Your plans are good. They are better than mine. Help me with that Father.
You are all I have. My only guarantee. I know You are good. I know You are for me. I know You will see me through.
So hold me father. Wipe away these tears. Heal this pain. Help me to remain in hope and to continue to fight for my recovery and my calling. Drown out the words of the enemy, and see me through Father. I love You. Thank you for the strength and the cravings tonight….even if they are terrifying foods. I love You God. Hold me close. Never let me go. Let me see it will all be okay.