Tuesday, January 15, 2013

frEDom Week 1: To be honest.....

Strength in FreedomSo this is a link up I have been wanting to do for a while now. This is from another blogger whose blog I read. Her name is Sloane and she is kick butt. She is so pure, so honest and this link up is a complete blessing. The frEDom campaign is basically a time to just be completely honest about any struggles we are having and there is more about it here. But how I want to use it is to say things that I am holding back, even back from my readers. I also want to do it to make sure I at least post something more often, because blogging is so healing for me and because of that, I easily let it get pushed aside and let homework or regular work take it's place. But I need to put me time and recovery time more towards the top of my list.

Anyway, onto this post. What do I need to get off of my chest....a whole lot, but the main thing...is that I am not this strong, confident, go-hung recovery person I may come across as on this blog. Honestly inside, I am full of fear. The biggest one that keeps on coming up is that I'm scared I can't do this outpatient. A lot of people have been speaking that over me. That I am too sick, too underweight, struggle too much, that I'm not strong enough. What they don't understand is what that does to me mentally.

Tumblr_lj05l0r46p1qdi1q5o1_400_largeMy brain clings onto these judgments and opinions like truth. So in my mind I hear that I have to stay thin just in case I get sent inpatient because I have to thin enough for treatment. That I am a failure because I struggle so much. That I am weak and should just give up because I'm not strong enough. So now when I start to struggle, I just give up. I stop fighting. I just let myself struggle a little here and there with my portions or tearing, because my mind keeps telling me I am not strong enough.

And I'm scared that these people may be right. I mean I have never recovered outpatient, let alone gained weight outpatient, how am I supposed to do this now? I am scared that maybe mentally it is too tough. I struggle most days to get my full portions even of things as simple as vegetables and fruits. I get scared to fill the 1/2 cup all the way to the top and to not tear and leave behind pieces of bread. The dining hall bagels still scare me to death and today was the first day I haven't torn one.

I keep finding myself saying: "I just need one day where someone will make me a tray and put it in front of me. I would eat it then." But guess what I just described? Inpatient treatment. So does that mean I need it? That I should give up my fight to do this outpatient. Just go back to inpatient to make this all easier? I mean recovery is so hard outpatient....I have never even attempted it till now and it is really, really hard. I'm scared maybe I am too weak, maybe mentally I am too much in my ED to do this outpatient....too scared to gain weight to do it on my own.

But deep in my heart I know I need to do this outpatient. As hard as it is, I need to find a way to make it work. I can't live my life in residential and inpatient facilities. Not if I want a life worth living. Not if I want to experience normalcy. To do that I need to show myself I am strong enough. I need to live in the words of my Father....ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH HIM. So even if I am too weak, or scared, or enthralled in this disorder mentally, He is strong enough to overcome if I let Him.

In fact I just realized that today...I have done really, really well. I did the 4 figs my N wants instead of the 3 figs that bring me slight, but not full anxiety. I did the whole dining hall bagel. I finished all my portions at lunch and dinner. And I plan on finishing my other snacks too. Wanna know how? I didn't give myself any other option. I decided this morning to "play inpatient."

I figure if others say I need inpatient and I say I want to do this outpatient we can meet in the middle. I will pretend I am inpatient, but have the freedom of outpatient. What does this mean? No matter what my mind, heart, soul, body says what my nutritionist says I need to eat I eat. No questions, no rationalizations, no compromises,  no trying to get my way out of it. That would NEVER fly in treatment. I mean it would if you wanted a feeding tube, but I don't want that either.

And honestly it's worked. And I've tried to just focus on one meal and snack at a time...because right now a day at a time is too scary. My mind swarms in how good or how bad I did at one meal and lets it affect my next. It jumps to what I still have to do that day and thus I struggle in the moment. But today I was so scared that I just had to focus on what was ahead of me and it worked. At b-fast I just knew I needed that extra fig. At bagel time it was all about not tearing that bagel. Lunch was about full portions as was dinner. But I tried to be in the moment.

So I guess maybe today is my freEDom. I proved to those who told me I couldn't that I can. I can recover outpatient. I may struggle, but that doesn't mean I need to give up. At least I hope not. I don't know. I am still just scared that I am not strong enough. ED is always telling me I'm not enough. Not thin enough, smart enough, fun enough, quiet enough, helpful enough, with God enough, restricting enough, exercising enough, studying enough, and now....now he says I'm not strong enough. But hey...that's what my abusive ex said too. He said I wasn't strong enough to live life without him....well here I am 5 years later and he doesn't cross my mind at all.

That's all ED is though....just another abusive relationship. I've gotten out of one of those before....and completely on my own. So here I am....needing to end another relationship, but I have my team behind me and friends behind me and God with me. So maybe right now....maybe its okay I am not strong enough...because I have a team of people who will fight for me and a God who is stronger than I can ever imagine.

So for today I am scared. I am scared that this will be a one-day thing. That I won't be able to bring this victory into tomorrow. I am scared what this day of victory will do to the scale. I am scared I am not strong enough. But my freEDom...it comes from the fact that I am going to be okay with this fear. I am also going to pat myself on the back, because today by reaching out to others and up to God I was strong enough. It wasn't all my own strength, but it was strength I called on. And how much stronger is a person willing to admit their weakness and ask for support that someone who relies on their own will. So today....today I declare I AM STRONG ENOUGH! I AM SCARED AND THAT'S OKAY! FOR TODAY, FOR THIS MOMENT, I AM ENOUGH!

1 comment:

  1. I AM SO PROUD. I know this is terribly scary for you, and I want you to know that it will take a LOOOOONG time. But do not be discouraged. Do not let the pressure to appear recovered to others let you falter. I know you can do this. It won't be easy, it won't be fun, but GOD will it be worth it. You are amazing for being so honest, and I'm honored to have you link up. Stay strong with me?